Seth could easily be a superhero. Well, actually more like one of the villians the superheros encounter. His name would be “Destruct-O Child” or “The Tornado Kid”. And he’d really give Superman or Wonder Woman a run for their money.
His powers? Lots of energy and the ability to undo 8 hours of cleaning in 2 minutes. He can also piss off the dog in 10 seconds flat.
He’s like the Marines. Only he can do more damage before 9 a.m. than most kids do all day. And honestly, I think the kid has accomplished alot today. Before 2 p.m. he:
1.) Dumped about 5 oz of apple juice on the carpet in the living room. Then he slapped his hands in the puddle and rubbed it all over his face, shirt, and hair. This was done 5 minutes before we were to leave for a playdate with my friend Becky and her kiddos.
2.) Dropped potato chips on the kitchen floor then decided to stomp on them until they were in teeny-tiny pieces. Half of them stayed on the ground and a few are still in his socks. But the rest reveal the trail he took throughout the rest of the main floor. This was done while I was checking the mail.
3.) Decided to see what happens when you put several pieces of Cracklin’ Oat Bran in the sink and let the water drip over them. He learned it makes a mushy mess that stops up the drain. And it also pisses mommy off. This was done while I was getting ready for said playdate.
4.) Shredded a hot dog bun all over our bed while I talked to my husband on the phone regarding some house-hunting logistics.
5.) Ripped ultrasound photos out of a scrapbook. He then decided to destroy those photos. I guess he didn’t like the way they made his butt look or something. (Actually, I guess he didn’t like how I was on the phone with the contractor for a remodeling project we are working on.)
6.) Got the dog so pissed that she gave him a sharp warning bark — twice today. (Both times while I was on the phone.) First she’ll issue a little noise that says, “Ok. You need to stop this please.” And if that’s not heeded, she gives him the full on, “If you don’t stop pulling my tail and ears, I’m going to bite your head off you little motherfucker!” I can’t say I blame her for that. I want to give him that same bark sometimes too.
7.) Wiped his runny, runny nose all over the couch, leaving a stringy trail of snot on one cushion and an arm.
It’s 2:30 p.m. now and he’s zonked out. I guess it takes an enormous amount of energy to be Destruct-O Child. And this is fairly normal day!
Now you know why mommy needs to hire a babysitter on a Saturday night and have a few stiff drinks. Now you know why I want to cry when his Children’s Day Out program closes down for winter, spring, and summer vacations. And now you know why Seth doesn’t have any siblings.
These are the days I mutter the “They grow up so fast ” mantra to myself a million times. And then I think of Seth, 30 years from now, probably with children of his own. And I find glee and comfort in the ole saying, “Karma’s a bitch.”
