Dear Assclown who decided to come up to me at Mobile this a.m. to lecture me:

I highly doubt you will really see this letter. After all, I know your type all too well… The only thing you like to read is your Rifleman’s Digest or the owner’s manual to your lawnmower while sitting on the toilet. I would bet my life that you don’t even know what the internet is, let alone a blog. But nonetheless… I need to vent.

You came up to me and asked, “Do you like your car?” Most normal people who want to get the attention of a stranger will address them as “M’am” or “Sir”. I smiled and said, ‘Yes I do.” Because I LOVE my Honda. And I thought you were asking because you are in the market to buy. You then started lecturing me in a “you-are-the-most-incompetent-female-I’ve-ever-met” tone about how I took a few steps away from my car while refueling… And how that is illegal. And blah, blah, blah. I didn’t know taking 5 steps away from the tank to throw away a water bottle is THE perfect way to blow up my car. I was just trying to clean out my vehicle. I have a three-year-old. I have to do this often. I understand that you were trying to tell me that what I had unknowingly done was a safety hazard. Thanks and all.

But there are plenty of other and much more polite ways to do this… Lie and say, “I just don’t want to see you get hurt.” Or something. Talk to me in a polite tone. I treated you with respect (even though I wanted to rip your head off) so I think I deserve the same sort of treatment.

But I shouldn’t blame you for being a social caveman. I watched the way you walked, your mannerisms, and your dress. And you? You are the kind of guy I was surrounded by while growing up. You are the kind of man I SWORE I would NEVER marry. I knew your type before you even stepped out of your gas-guzzling, four-door truck and adjusted your camo-colored trucker hat. I live in the suburbs for a reason — because guys like you typically don’t live there.
I can tell you right now… You? Get laid like twice a year…. Once for your birthday and maybe Christmas or your anniversary – depending on how well you treated the “little woman” that night.

You are the man whose idea of fine dining is TGIFriday’s. You own a clip-on tie that’s 10 years old. You are the man who thinks a deer head on the wall adds class and interest to the décor of a room.

And your wife? She resents you. That’s why you never get laid! She’s tired of laying on her back in the dark with her flannel nightgown hiked up to her chest. She’s just saying the occasional “Ahhh” or “oohh” in hopes that it’ll turn you on and you’ll finish already. And when she gets super-pissed at you? She goes shopping or she eats an entire pie. Because she KNOWS she can not talk to you or remotely reason with you. She has tried for years and you are too damn stubborn.

You’ve been working for the same place since you got out of high school. You’ve carried an NRA card in your wallet for almost that long. You have the same ideas your parents had. That’s not a bad thing. But you’ve never questioned those ideas. And you’ve never had an original thought in your life. You would never say this around anyone but your buddies but you hate gays, blacks, hispanics, democrats, and any person who isn’t your religion. You think any man that can’t rebuild an engine is useless. You think there is only one way to live life and that’s YOUR way….

Ya know what? There’s nothing wrong with being an outdoorsman or driving a truck. I’m not a big fan of using animal carcasses as decor but whatever… And if you aren’t a considerate lover, I really don’t care but I feel bad for your honey. I have a deep respect for people who have an unwavering belief in God. And if you don’t want to expand your skillset, that’s ok. I just don’t want to hear you bitch about how you can’t find a job when your employer realizes he doesn’t need you.

But it really pisses me off that you think YOU’VE earned the right to tell ME what to do… In your world? You’re the smart one. In reality, you’re a social moron and you’re as big a cliché as I am. It didn’t occur to you that people may actually listen to you if you are NICE to them.

STOP thinking everyone else around you is insipid and you’re the only one with any brains. It’s a big world — filled with different cultures, cuisines, lifestyles, ideas, music, art, literature and religions. There are plenty of smart people out there. YOU aren’t what I would consider to be one of them. Keep your mind open to growth and change. Expand your comfort zone beyond the size of a quarter. And for christ’s sake, stop treating your wife like she’s a loon.

Hey, I KNOW I’m not perfect. But at least I don’t pretend to be.

That is all.

Signed,
A woman who appreciates her wonderful hubby even more because he? Is not like you….

P.S. Stop bitching about the price of gas, already. Do you really need that gargantuan truck for ONE person? You weren’t even hauling any damn thing!