I remember seeing these ugly-ass shoes last summer and thinking, “Who would buy these stupid things?” I figured they wouldn’t be around for long.

Alas, I was wrong. I saw them on all sorts of people. I even saw someone wearing them while walking into a store this past Christmas eve to buy a last-minute gift. Two days ago? While walking past a shoe store, mine eyes beheld a rainbow array of these stupid, horrid creatures.

I just don’t get the appeal. Am I alone? They aren’t flattering. They aren’t cute. Are they so comfy, the wearer is blinded by love and doesn’t mind wearing the ugliest shoes on earth? Do they have special powers? Do they make your teeth whiter, your hair shinier, or your bank account fatter? Do they make people like you? Do they make your children behave better? Do they make your hubby less gassy?

Whenever I saw these things last year, for some inexplicable reason, I used to get a flash of anger. I would have this compulsion to knock the wearer of such shoes over, then take the shoes off of their feet, and finally beat the wearer in the head using these shoes. Am I alone here?

Looks like I’ll have to quelch such compulsions for another year, as apparently, these damn shoes are here to stay. But if I get pregnant anytime soon, I won’t be in such control of my hormones or my reactions. So all of you people in West County who possess such atrocious footwear — you’d better watch out. Consider this your warning.

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