Dear DCFS….
Dear Department of Child and Family Services,
Just in case you read my most recent post about what was in my purse please know this: I don’t really own a crackpipe. My mom doesn’t own one either. If you ever met “General Joyce” and watched her buzz around her house you would probably wonder where she gets so much energy. This would cause you to ponder whether the aforementioned crackpipe is indeed hers. But after you talked to her for a minute you would realize this is a woman who has never even smoked a cigarette much less a mind-altering, illegal substance. This is the woman who unknowingly bought a BONG from a church garage sale! So while she’s held illegal drug paraphenalia in her hot little hands many years ago - it wasn’t on purpose.
As for me, I’ve seen those movies about drug addiction. People vomit in those movies. And I don’t care how great the high is — I have a serious vomit phobia. So there’s no freaking way I would ever try those sorts of things. Because I’m too scared I would barf. Even in my early 20’s I would only allow myself three alcoholic drinks an entire night. Because I knew if I let myself have more, I would lose track and my dinner would end up all over someone’s lawn at 1 a.m.
So the crackpipe in question? Actually doesn’t exist. Sorry to lure you here on false pretenses but I’ve never even seen a crackpipe. And I don’t think anyone in my family has ever seen one either. We’ve all lived a fairly sheltered life in that aspect. Frankly, I’m thankful for that.
Sorry to disturb you.
Lisa B
P.S. I don’t even spank the boy, although he probably deserves a swat now and again — depending upon who you talk to. There was a young woman in Target Sunday night who was screaming at her child (who looked to be about 10-12 months old) to “stop the attitude”. She told him if he “didn’t shut up”, she would “spank” him “right then and there”. You may want to talk to her. Personally, I think that’s a mite too young to start the whoopins.
P.S.S. I was surpised to see this woman at Target — as this sort of “mothering” can quite easily be found in Wal-Mart after 10 p.m. most evenings.
Dawn on 01 Mar 2006 at 12:44 am #
You ain’t kidding about the Wal Mart. I saw some of that at 9 a.m. this past Sunday. Next to the display of Easter Crackpipes.
Mom101 on 01 Mar 2006 at 5:26 am #
we call thalia “crackbaby” all the time, due to her bizarre (lack of) sleeping habits. guess I should start composing my own dcfs letter, huh.
consise10 on 01 Mar 2006 at 8:10 am #
Yea I have also seen such parents who feel ’shamed’ by their childrens public displays of ‘frustration’if I can call it thatand choose to handle things violently. It`s a real shame.
Rude Cactus on 01 Mar 2006 at 2:53 pm #
Just covering all your bases there, huh?
Mabel on 01 Mar 2006 at 3:05 pm #
I don’t think I have ever laughed so hard in my life. Too funny! Thanks!
quinn on 01 Mar 2006 at 4:02 pm #
You can find the “tough love” caretakers at Wal-Mart, but the vomit-across-the-cosmetics-aisle kiddos can be found at Target. I have been an unlucky witness to this, and quite possibly am scarred for life.
(thanks for your comments on my site. Speaking of crack, and should you be wondering, last night we learned that “ass crack” is also called “the valley of the buttocks,” which I can’t seem to say without a Forrest Gump-like inflection.)
Kev on 01 Mar 2006 at 9:17 pm #
The crackpipe and beatings they could care less about. Now, if you had two bottles of cough syrup, that would be a different story …
Contrary on 01 Mar 2006 at 10:04 pm #
You should have gone up to that mother in Target and explained that getting real close to the kid’s face and growling out threats of death to Elmo is not only more effective, but much less likely to draw disapproving glares.
Also, it doesn’t work on babies. Nothing work on babies. They’re babies!
Save the growling and death threats till the kid is at least 4.
(Thanks for the blog-by! I’m enjoying your site as well.)
charles blunt on 01 Mar 2006 at 10:07 pm #
Very funny . I will have to remember to visit your blog when I need cheering up .Do you think they will let you post to it from jail .
Nap Queen on 03 Mar 2006 at 5:20 pm #
I’ve seen the frightening 10pm Wal-Mart parenting. I’m always like, “You know you wouldn’t be having these problems if your kid was in bed like they’re supposed to be!” I’m with you on the vomiting thing too. No way, no how. I hate it.