Its that age-old dilemma. You and the honey are both “in the mood” but you don’t want 10-15 minutes of fun to turn into 21 years of responsibility and expense. Birth control pills give you migraines and/or nasty mood swings. Condoms dull the sensations. And that whole rhythm method? Got you “in trouble” the last time. If you utter the word “vasectomy”, your man accuses you of being a terrorist.

I have an idea for a new method of birth control.

A doctor places a tiny television into the woman’s cervix. This tiny tv (an LCD with high definition, of course) would serve as a big screen and would broadcast sports, science fiction shows, or “Baywatch” 24 hours a day.

Typically as sperm enter the cervix, they’re all gung ho shouting things to themselves like “Come on boys, she’s not a monster. She’s just an egg. And we be egging sperm!” (Do you like the Moby Dick reference? heehee)

But once they’d see the big screen, they’d stop in their tracks and watch the TV. And watch and watch and watch. When a few spermies would die, a few thousand others would happily trample over them to get a better view of the TV. (The Ultra version — for those seriously fertile gals would also include free sperm-sized servings of beer.)

As for the “girl” spermies, I suggest the doctor also add a teeny, tiny shoe/purse store with the word, “FREE” written in its window. Because what woman (sperm or actual woman) could resist? (The “Ultra” version of this birth control would also include a small store next to the original one featuring free chocolate and salty snacks.)

Either way, NONE of the sperm would ever make it to the egg. Viola! Both parties get lucky. Plus, no weight gain or ugly side effects for the women.

I’ve got to get my hubby working on that… Or someone…