A letter to my sweet, sweet boy…
Dear Seth,
You are a charming, adorable, smart little boy. But like your father, you can be a bit clueless. So I’m gonna fill you in on a little bit of info.
Mommy is NOT a morning person. Neither is daddy really. Waking up before 7:30 a.m. is TOO EARLY. And when I say, “Seth. Its too early. Go back to bed,” this means you need to play quietly in your room for least 15 more minutes — but preferably for another hour or so. I know you are awake so its not like I really let myself fall back to sleep. But I still need some time to psyche myself up to get out of bed. Because most days it feels like as soon as my feet hit the floor there’s a mess to clean and someone or something needing, whining and wanting something from me. This chaos doesn’t typically stop until I go to bed at the end of the day.
So if I don’t get this time to wake up, I get insanely bitchy. And the next time you, your father, or the dog want food, attention, clean clothes or for me to find something, I fear I may scream, “Here’s a piece of my f*cking soul. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!?”
Crawling into the bed with your daddy and me is cute, as long as you fall back to sleep. Trying to engage in conversation, whining for food or toys, and driving over my face with Hotwheels isn’t wise. And it sure ain’t going to net you that little sister you’ve been begging for.
You see, mommy might look all peaceful on the outside when you see her sleeping. But that’s just a ruse. Mommy is really a cranky troll on the inside — at least in the morning. And if you poke or prod, or try in any way to aggravate the troll, you will either get roared at or eaten.
I could set the bed on fire and your father wouldn’t wake up. So don’t count on him to protect you.
But just so you know… that’s the way it works with me. I curse your maternal grandparents each morning for the “early bird” gene you mistakenly aquired. If I could get into your body and mess with your DNA you’d better be sure I’d yank out that strand.
Love you sweetpea — but remember, I love you lots more after 9 a.m.
Mommy
jennster on 19 Apr 2006 at 3:26 am #
lmfao- yell at him and tell him that his waking up in the morning is why he has no little sister! make him cry too.
Kristen on 19 Apr 2006 at 4:09 am #
I’m a fan of the “I will love you way more ater 9am”
And if you shit roses too…and not try to fight me when I change the said “roses.”
Cagey on 19 Apr 2006 at 5:02 am #
“I love you lots more after 9 a.m” - Amen to that.
When my son started finally napping and sleeping well, I kept telling people how much “more I loved him”. Unfortunately, some people just don’t have very good senses of humor and looked at me like I was a terrible mother.
But damn - it was TRUE. I DID love him more.
Ranger Tom on 19 Apr 2006 at 10:18 am #
I hate morning people…
And I’m not a complete human being until I’ve consumed at least half of the Columbian gross national product of coffee.
God help us all when Juan Valdez finally dies.
Christina_the_wench on 19 Apr 2006 at 11:30 am #
“Driving over my face with Hotwheels”…priceless. At least it isn’t one of those big yellow metal Tonka trucks we had as a kid. Remember those? Damn those hurt. I miss my gravel-hauling days ~sigh~
Jennifer on 19 Apr 2006 at 1:37 pm #
I never thought of that prospect… but now I think my worst fear will be that I have a child that is a morning person.
Well-intentioned family members often suggest that I should take naps, since I am always so tired. What they can’t understand is that waking up is truly the worst part of my day. Why would I want to do it twice?
Jaelithe on 19 Apr 2006 at 2:18 pm #
I, too, love my son much more after 9 in the morning.
But when he was younger he used to wake up bright, chipper, and ready for the day every morning at 5, that’s 5:00 A.M. (after going to bed at 9 pm, no less), and now I can often get him to sleep until 7:30 if I let him come in the bed with us at 5 a.m., so I am counting my blessings . . .
Jenn on 19 Apr 2006 at 3:22 pm #
LOL That’s hysterical!!!
“Here’s a piece of my f*cking soul. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!?”
It’s nice when they are still in the crib, cause you can kinda just leave them in there…..
melissa on 19 Apr 2006 at 5:17 pm #
Ha! This is so perfect.
Nancy R on 19 Apr 2006 at 5:45 pm #
Amen! We got E1 a clock radio and taught her not to leave her room until “there’s an eight on the clock”.
movin'mom on 19 Apr 2006 at 6:21 pm #
I bet you could sell that letter out. Make sure you copy-write it.
Heidi on 19 Apr 2006 at 8:54 pm #
Oh dear god…I would KILL for 7.30. Mine is generally up by 6.30. BUT, he takes a LOOOONG nap in the afternoon, so I won’t complain until he starts cutting that back.
Terrific post. I laughed out loud.
sunshine scribe on 19 Apr 2006 at 9:13 pm #
Funny letter. Can I give this one to my son too?? I so get that loving you “lots more after 9am”.
But when they are teenagers and sleeping until noon we’ll be complaining about that too
Stephanie A. on 20 Apr 2006 at 1:05 am #
Why do they get up so darned early? There’s nothing to see. Nothing to do. I seldom get to sleep past 6am through the week and 7am on the weekend.
Praying for your Prodigal on 20 Apr 2006 at 1:24 am #
You speak for every mother…..every where around the globe!
Diane
MrsFortune on 20 Apr 2006 at 3:14 am #
A lot of kids grow out of that get up at the ass-crack of dawn thing, so there’s hope, but not for another 8 or 9 years. Sorry.
Romancing Simplicity on 20 Apr 2006 at 8:20 am #
Reading the comments on this post is just hilarious =)
I’m definitely a morning person. But I can’t imagine what it would be like to have a kid who woke up a little bit earlier than I do. I may be awake and alive and raring to go at 6am but that pretty much means…not a moment before!
This is a great letter, by the way, you could definitely publish it if you wanted!
Nap Queen on 21 Apr 2006 at 12:23 am #
OMG, that last sentence almost made me pee my pants. This is so going to be me when I have kids. Luckily my husband is one of those once-he’s-up-he’s-up kind of people which I am not. I can ALWAYS go back to sleep.
consise10 on 02 May 2006 at 12:29 pm #
Every time i visit here I’m cetain to get smiling.This post made me laugh like hell!I think most of us relate!! You have such a way with words Lisa. I also like the new look here in your space.