My "How-to" plan for getting pregnant
Posted on May 2, 2006
Filed Under Uncategorized |
The hubby has been trying to “knock me up” for quite some time now. And despite all of the tryin’ — the peeing on sticks to determine when I’m ovulating, and loading up the hubby with vitamins — we’ve yet to “hit the jackpot.”
For a while, I was ok with this. I kept telling myself there was a perfectly good reason for this and in the grand scheme of the universe, everything would work out. I also told myself that next year at this time, I would probably be so sleep-deprived from taking care of a screaming infant that I wouldn’t even remember my first name.
I’ve been repeating this mantra for more than a year now. Even last month, I was still whispering these words to myself. But only half-heartedly.
When an acquaintance or close friend announces a FIRST pregnancy, I’m thrilled for her. Really! But over the last two weeks, I’ve noticed that when I hear that a person is pregnant with her second or third child, I act happy but secretly seethe inside. I go into a funk for a few days.
So I’ve decided that I need to take more action. Buying the type of thermometer my doctor suggested is only one thing. Hog-tying the hubby and getting him to make love to a cup is another. But these sorts of things take time. And frankly, I’m running out of patience.
But I think I’ve got a plan that will net immediate results…
How to get pregnant within a month
*Buy a bunch of really expensive clothes in my current size.
*Make plans to go on an extravagant vacation filled with beaches and plenty of free booze. Schedule vacation to be six weeks from now.
*Find my dream job. Promise boss that I won’t be getting pregnant anytime soon so hey, don’t worry, I’m going to be here for a llllooonnngggg time!
*Drink the water of my two neighbors who have suddenly and surprisingly found themselves “knocked up”.
*Around the time I ovulate and afterwards, go out and get sloppy drunk at least 10 times.
*Have sex with random men while drunk.
*Smoke some crack on the days I’m not drinking…
*Sell our current house and buy a dilapidated trailer. (As the saying goes, “New house, new baby!)
*Start a meth lab in said trailer.
Maybe I should combine a few of these ideas. That way I’m SURE to get pregnant in May! And if I don’t know who the father is? We can all have a fun time guessing! It could be the start of a whole new family tradition.
Oh and just so you know, those little ovulation sticks LIE! A good friend of mine who’s been trying to have her first baby told me that. And she is very, very smart and very, very, right. Just thought I’d pass that along…
Comments
32 Responses to “My "How-to" plan for getting pregnant”
Leave a Reply
Archives
- January 2009
- December 2008
- November 2008
- October 2008
- September 2008
- August 2008
- July 2008
- June 2008
- May 2008
- April 2008
- March 2008
- February 2008
- January 2008
- December 2007
- November 2007
- October 2007
- September 2007
- August 2007
- July 2007
- June 2007
- May 2007
- April 2007
- March 2007
- February 2007
- January 2007
- December 2006
- November 2006
- October 2006
- September 2006
- August 2006
- July 2006
- June 2006
- May 2006
- April 2006
- March 2006
- February 2006
- January 2006
- December 2005
- November 2005
- October 2005
- September 2005
- August 2005
- July 2005
- June 2005
- May 2005
- April 2005
- February 2005
- January 2005
Awesome plan. Maybe I should try that… just wait until you hit the 2 year mark with no bun in the oven..then it gets depressing. Good Luck
Wow. I didn’t know you guys had been trying for that long!
I think of you often with all of this. And I know this has been a very, very heartbreaking time for you guys!
Oh and did you get that you’re the friend I mentioned? Whenever I see a box of those things, I think of you.
Don’t forget the West Alton, Missouri boys!
And god, don’t tell me the ovulation sticks lie. Really? What’s up with sticks? I must know.
Ok, I can’t say much because I’m pregnant with #2 at the moment.
However, I can empathize because the first one took a decent amount of time to get. I had to do the basal body temp thing and once we figured out the issue, I had to supplement with drugs/witch doctor medicine both times in order to get and stay pregnant.
Just having to try is a bitch. I always thought I’d just magically get pregnant. And what really frustrates me is the “oops” pregnancies that many of my friends have had. Why couldn’t it be that easy for me??????
Anyway, I know it’s not much, but I’m keeping you in my thoughts and if you haven’t used BBT before, email me and I’ll be more than happy to fill you in. I charted for nearly 2 years.
By the way, I got loaded with both pregnancies before I knew I was pregnant. I never used OPKs because I figured liquor consumption was a better indicator.
Hugs.
Here’s hoping you’re fully knocked up by June! Practice, practice, practice….
I’ll write from the point of view of the “oops” person: we feel guilty. Well, I know I do.
I have a cousin who has been trying with his wife for years, YEARS. And they just can’t get pregnant. Then *pooof* one day my husband and I were when we weren’t trying (even using protection at the time) and I honestly felt guilty. I didn’t want to share the “good news” because I knew how sad it would make them. I wish it would be EASY for everyone. I wish that you guys didn’t have to take temperatures and pee on sticks and start meth labs
Maybe everyone who is trying should start using condoms because that seems to work for my family. Who knows…
I just wanted to say that I truly, honestly feel for you. Not because I understand but because I wish I could and then somehow be able to help. And then such a joyous part of life could actually be joyful.
Sorry to hear it’s been tough; one of my best friends has been trying to get pregnant for some time as well. Wishing you lots of luck and a pregnancy soon!
Book a really fun vacation too. Right when you would be due. That should work wonders.
*here’s hoping*
now that plan is one in a million! HOP TO IT! lol and what are you doing posting? shouldn’t you be doing it?
You don’t have to mess with the meth lab in the trailer bit. Just sleep with Kevin Federline and you’re golden. I think Britney’s second is something like his 12th…
If that’s not an option then the vacation idea sounds good. And good luck to you. Here’s hoping you have some news in 4 weeks!
Yea! I agree with Jennster……GO!! BEDROOM!! NOW!!!
Yes Andrea, you are right. I need to “git with” the ickiest, dumbest, piece of crap I can find (aka a Federline) He’ll knock me up good and proper!
And sorry to do the whining. I know that I’m actually fairly lucky. At least I have one child. There are tons of people out there that would give one of their kidneys for a healthy little boy like the one I have.
But what can I say? I’m greedy. I want another one. Seth asks EVERY DAY for a little sister. Several times a day. And I would like to give him a sibling. (Not that having or being an only child is a bad thing. Not at all.)
sticks never work for me…coming from your cuz with 2+ years of ttc. Yeah and we are on our 3rd year trying…time to mortgage the house and get this show on the road with a good doctor…lolol Keep your fingers crossed we have an appt in June.
By the way, Seth needs a brother or sister being an only child has it’s advantages trust me but I would die for a sister or even a sister in law would do.
I think the expensive clothing in your current size or planning an awesome vacation sound like surefire ways.
Sorry to hear about the troubles. I am fairly sure I will have trouble too (family history). I just wish I knew for sure, so that I could stop taking the pill!
Good luck!!!
I’m gonna have to second mommy@home regarding that unplanned pregnancy guilt thing. My pregancy with Isaac was totally unplanned, completely a surprise, happened while using prophylatic measures, etcetera . . . And at the time, I was working with lots of 30-something women, all of whom wanted babies, some of whom were actually trying. I had a really hard time telling the people at work I was pregnant. I felt awful about it.
I think the reason that accidental pregancies seem to happen more often than planned pregnancies, though, is that most people are not planning to get pregnant most of the time. I mean, I was not planning to get pregnant for years before I actually accidentally got pregnant while not planning to get pregnant.
I’m sure I probably would have been planning to get pregnant at some point in the near future anyway. But if you think about it, most people probably only spend like a tenth of their sex lives “planning” to get pregnant.
Still, all those ideas sound awesome. Except for the crack smoking and the meth lab. Cuz then the state might catch you at some point down the line and take your 10 kids away, you know.
After nearly two years and bawling everytime someone else got pregnant, I finally did!! Imagine how I felt when one of my aunts wound up pregnant with twins! After all, all I wanted was one baby, and here she was getting two! (By the way, I’m no longer envious of that!)
I had nearly given up when I went to see my doc for a check up and to make sure all the gear was working. He gave me a chart to follow, which I figured must be a total crock. Well, it wasn’t and I got pregnant within about two weeks. It didn’t require any extra vitamins, strange foods, trying to do it while stretching my legs above my head and not moving for ten minutes afterwards, or sleeping with Kevin Federline (shudders).
If you’re interested, I’ll share.. Best of luck anyway!
We’ve been working hard without success on our second for a loooong time. I LOVE your plan. Smart. Practical ..oh and damn funny.
But seriously, hoping that you get knocked up soon
I hope it works out for you! And your ‘plan’ sounds brilliant. You might also try getting that trailer in an area with a really bad school district. Oh, and no toy stores or parks within 50 miles. You’ll be ‘with child’ in no time.
Brilliant plan! Good luck to you guys, too.
I’m sending you baby vibes! So sorry it’s taking so long! “The Plan” is genius. I’m going to forward it to my friend doing in vitro - I know she’ll get a kick out of it.
I think your plan sounds full-proof. My husband and I laugh at this stuff all the time! Seriously, I am hoping the fertility gods/goddesses smile down on you soon.
oh and such a pretty blog!!!
As the couple with the most well publicized Vascectomy in history, we send our best wishes for a speedy knocking up. And getting drunk helps - I always say Emily must have implanted because of the 5 carafes of Chianti I drank.
Hee hee! I think the meth lab should be #1 on your list. I’m sorry it’s been hard to get pregnant. Since I’m waiting so long to have the first one, I’m terrified I won’t be able to get pregnant when I want to
wow good luck. i know i’d feel the same way if was trying right now. my 1st pregnancy took me 2 tries to get pregnant. and we’re gonna start trying in september and if it takes me long i will be the same way–hating all women that got pregnant so easy. and seething about it. good luck. it’ll happen soon. that list is hilarious!
I always heard..regular or not regular….ovulation was 14 days after the 1st day of your period, counting the day you start as day 1. Sperm stays active within the body for 72 hours…try that for a few months
The ovulation sticks worked well three times over here. I’m a late ovulator.
Oh, and stocking up on feminine hygiene products could be added to that list!
Oh, AND you can go here http://www.futuremoms.com/
to oder pg and ov test strips. They’re just the littls strips the drs office uses, which is why they’re so cheap. I’ve used them myself.
Great blog and I love your plan. I tried the ovulation kits too but actually got pregnant a week later after getting blotto at a gay nightclub. Only remember part of that night where supposedly a girlfriend & I claimed to touch a dancer’s boob. It is still under debate whether the dancer was a woman or man. I got so sick that my hubby (anesthesiologist)had to hook me up to IV fluids for dehydration. Good times. The girlfriend mentioned previously got pregnant after a 7 day cruise and lots of alcohol. So it must work.
Purchasing clothes in your size sounds like it’d work. Seems to work for my friends!
Other than that, I’m sure the BunWrangler wouldn’t mind trying as hard and as often as it takes to get you “in the family way”
Good luck with this. I really wish you and your husband well and I hope the pattering of another set of little feet isn’t too far behind!
As I read through your “plan”, I just had to nod my head. Because seriously….this will work.
It’s how I found myself knocked up….
We went to Mexico and Europe while I was pregnant. And sold our house and moved into the tiny one bedroom arpartment while we build our own house.
All because of one Sunday morning when I was SURE I was NOT ovulating.
(Good luck to you guys!)
Hilarious ways to assure pregnancy.
Here’s how I got Tukey, our third–forced my husband to have sex (with ME!) thirteen (yes, 13!) days in a row.
He was begging not to have to do it and I promised him that if he were to knock me up, I would never make him have sex with me again. Tukey is 4-1/2 and so far, I’ve made good on that promise!