Midwestern Mommy

Seven years ago, after we’d just brought our sweet Abbeydog home, I discovered a book that explained why puppies did all sorts of puppy things — like eat their own poop and destroy expensive shoes. It was very informative, entertaining and insightful. I reasoned that if I understood WHY she did some of the things she did, perhaps I could be a few steps ahead. An ounce of prevention, you know. The theory worked. And life was good.

A few years later, on a summer day, I entered the house with a tiny pink, squirming, screamy force of nature we like to call Seth. Before the birth, I searched high and low for a book comparable to the one I found on dogs for pretty much the same reason. I never found it. Until now.

Jennifer Margulis, author of “Why Babies Do That“ has written a book unlike a lot of the works inhabiting the Parenting Section of Borders/Barnes&Noble. She gives plenty of insights into the baby brain, broaching all sorts of behavior — from baby head bangers, and baby acne, to baby babble.

The only bone I have to pick with Ms Jennifer is, WHY DIDN’T YOU WRITE THIS BOOK SOONER?!? I could have used this book about a million times during my first year of parenting.

For example, most people know that repetitive movement typically soothes a crying infant. But did you know that researchers also believe that the movement itself helps to improve an infant’s sense of balance and his vestibular system? And that the bouncing could improve gross motor skills? Suddenly, you realize all of of those hours of simultaneous pacing and bouncing were satisfying a much higher baby need. Meeting that need could be why you’ve got an all-star athlete with great balance on your hands!

What I really enjoyed about the book was that Jennifer explained these mysteries in a friendly, gentle, confident tone. Her writing isn’t preachy or condescending. She knows her reader is most likely the new, nervous parent or prospective grandparent. She has three children. She’s been through this battle.

Oh and a bit of a warning — the photographs of babies are SO adoreable, you could very well catch “baby fever.”

So to sum up: “Why Babies Do That“ by Jennifer Margulis is a quick, enlightening read — and would make a great baby shower gift. So go out and buy a copy already.

“Why Babies Do That“ is currently out and can be found in the parenting sections of major bookstores.

Tomorrow I hope to post a short Q&A session from Jennifer the mom, author, and wife. So stay tuned…

Seth and I were in the kitchen Saturday and he asked me a question…

Seth: “Mommy are you happy?”
Me: (Smile at Seth. Give him a hug.) “How can I not be? I’m with my wonderful little bunny. “
Seth: (Smiles back) “Mommy are you happy?”
Me: (Smiles back again) “Yes Seth, I am.”
Seth: (Decides this isn’t enough) “Mommy are you happy?”
Me: (Look at him quizzically because, haven’t I established this already?) “Ye-ah.”
Seth: “Mommy are you happy?”
Me: (said with irritated, curt tone) “Yes Bun. I’m happy.”
Seth: (pauses a few seconds then ventures yet again) “Mommy are you happy?”
Me: (Growing more irritated. WHAT is he trying to do to my sanity? I’m trying to do four things at once here!) “Yes Seth, now stop asking me that question. I’m HAPPY, I’m HAPPY! For the love of all things holy, I’m HAPPY!”

Yeah, I’m HAPPY dammit! (Pauses. Breathes slowly for 5 minutes. Then whips out candy bar — the one reserved for “emotional emergencies” — and slowly eats it. Whew. )

Ok, NOW I’m happy again….

So we rented Chicken Little from Netflix a few weeks ago. We’ve yet to send it back as The Boy LOVES, LOVES, LOVES this movie.

He loves it so much I’ve discovered that if he’s being a total little shit, I can threaten to send the movie back. He’ll flail and yell, “nooooooooo.” But then he’ll fall right into line. Now THAT’S the sort of currency I’ve been looking for with this whole parenting/discipline stuff.

If you haven’t seen the movie yet, you should. Its really, really cute and fun. As Seth has insisted on watching this movie almost every day, he now can and does quote various lines any time and any place the urge strikes.

At one point in the movie, Runt (the pig with an inferiority complex) exclaims, “Deploy ladder, Fish!” At any given time in the day, Seth will (out of the blue) emphatically yell, “Deploy ladder, Fish!” But it comes out sounding more like, “Depwoy yadder, Bitch!”

Looks like another “he’s really NOT cursing although it sounds that way” talk to his teachers at his United Methodist Children’s Day Out is in order.

Thank you everyone for listening to my “plan” for pregnancy. It means alot to me.

I know there are couples out there that have had years of heartbreak and frustration in the baby-making arena. I truly feel for them. I can’t imagine how much anguish they’ve endured in their quest. If one of those women were to read this post, she’d probably kick my butt. Because hello! At least I have a child. There are alot of couples that would contemplate chewing off their own arm for the one healthy, happy little man I have.

But what can I say? I’m a greedy bitch. I want another little person — you know to help Seth rule to roost. Someone who will knock down his blocks and break his toys. Someone he’ll have to SHARE with. And compete with for mommy and daddy’s love. *

One of the ways my siblings and I have bonded over the years is to laugh over the oddities of our parents. It sounds horrible to admit that we’ve become closer by making fun of the people who raised and sacrificed for us. But its true. Our childhoods were sort of stressful. (A little Prozak and some sort of anti-anxiety drug would have gone a llllooonnnggg way with the mama and the papa.) So when looking back, we laugh about the truly ridiculous things our parents did, the attitudes they had or the nonsensical things they said. What else can you do?

Seth needs an audience for his future impersonations of us. He needs someone to laugh with. Someone who will help him make sense of his childhood. Someone he can help as well. And who else would understand as well as a sibling? (Ok or a therapist.)

Also, when Marc and I get old, someone is going to have to take care of us. If there’s two children, the burden is lightened. But the plan is if we find we have two ungrateful children, then we’ll dangle the estate’s worth in front of them and watch them hustle. THAT should get things done!

But seriously…. I love my siblings so very much. They have brought so much more depth and love into my life. I love them more now that I don’t have to live with them but still… Lots of good life lessons… And I would love to give Seth a sibling because of this. Plus, as parents, we have alot of love, time and energy to give to another little person. We’ve learned so much from Seth. He’s brought us alot of joy. I’d love to see life from yet a new perspective. So in short, its about the love, people. The love, the laughter. And stuff.

*Just KIDDING on the competition thing. Well, sort of.

The hubby has been trying to “knock me up” for quite some time now. And despite all of the tryin’ — the peeing on sticks to determine when I’m ovulating, and loading up the hubby with vitamins — we’ve yet to “hit the jackpot.”

For a while, I was ok with this. I kept telling myself there was a perfectly good reason for this and in the grand scheme of the universe, everything would work out. I also told myself that next year at this time, I would probably be so sleep-deprived from taking care of a screaming infant that I wouldn’t even remember my first name.

I’ve been repeating this mantra for more than a year now. Even last month, I was still whispering these words to myself. But only half-heartedly.

When an acquaintance or close friend announces a FIRST pregnancy, I’m thrilled for her. Really! But over the last two weeks, I’ve noticed that when I hear that a person is pregnant with her second or third child, I act happy but secretly seethe inside. I go into a funk for a few days.

So I’ve decided that I need to take more action. Buying the type of thermometer my doctor suggested is only one thing. Hog-tying the hubby and getting him to make love to a cup is another. But these sorts of things take time. And frankly, I’m running out of patience.

But I think I’ve got a plan that will net immediate results…

How to get pregnant within a month

*Buy a bunch of really expensive clothes in my current size.
*Make plans to go on an extravagant vacation filled with beaches and plenty of free booze. Schedule vacation to be six weeks from now.
*Find my dream job. Promise boss that I won’t be getting pregnant anytime soon so hey, don’t worry, I’m going to be here for a llllooonnngggg time!
*Drink the water of my two neighbors who have suddenly and surprisingly found themselves “knocked up”.
*Around the time I ovulate and afterwards, go out and get sloppy drunk at least 10 times.
*Have sex with random men while drunk.
*Smoke some crack on the days I’m not drinking…
*Sell our current house and buy a dilapidated trailer. (As the saying goes, “New house, new baby!)
*Start a meth lab in said trailer.

Maybe I should combine a few of these ideas. That way I’m SURE to get pregnant in May! And if I don’t know who the father is? We can all have a fun time guessing! It could be the start of a whole new family tradition.

Oh and just so you know, those little ovulation sticks LIE! A good friend of mine who’s been trying to have her first baby told me that. And she is very, very smart and very, very, right. Just thought I’d pass that along…