Four years ago to the hour (its 1:37 a.m.) I was doggedly trying to evict a squirming little person from my uterus. I pushed for more than 2 1/2 hours. I pushed so hard I started to literally worry my eyes would pop out. (Can you say, “hemorrhoids from the Netherworld?” I sure can!)
Thank the baby Jesus for epidurals. (And Demoral to “take the edge off” once the epi wears out.)

When I saw my little boy for the first time, (at 2 a.m.) my sole thought was, “Holy shit! There really WAS a baby in there!” I couldn’t stop staring at him and thinking that sentiment. It almost felt like a dream. You mean, I’m a mom? I don’t FEEL like a mom. I feel like a bloated cow who’s been hit by a truck. If this is what “mom” feels like, I am so screwed! I don’t know about this….

After the birth, they told me to try and get some sleep. But I couldn’t. Adrenalin coursed through my veins. My mind was racing. The mammoth mothering task seemed more than a little daunting… What did I get myself into? What if I don’t like being a mom? Is it too late to change my mind?

It wasn’t love at first site like so many moms say. At least not for me. This little person may have come from my body, but really, he was a stranger to me. Luckily, I had read enough to know that if I didn’t feel completely in love with him from the first sight, that it didn’t mean I was a crappy mom. But within days, weeks and months, I fell more and more in love with my little man (who ended up having colic. Gah!).

I love him so much I have often wondered if we should even have another child. Would it be possible to love another child as much as I love Seth? Gee, I dunno. I love him an awful lot…

I still marvel that he’s an entirely separate person from myself and my hubby. I LOVE that he has his own opinions, agenda, hopes, and dreams. He enchants me. He entertains me. He frustrates me. He makes me laugh. He sometimes drives me crazy. But he fascinates me too. I think he’s an amazing little boy.

And I feel so lucky and blessed.

Happy 4th Birthday Big Kid Bun.