I don’t remember how I found my way to this article: http://www.glamour.com/features/sexandlove/articles/060501kristin

It really struck a cord with me. Because I was once this wife to a much greater degree than I am now. And I kept thinking of some of my childhood friends. I know alot of women who scurry to pacify their hubbies’ needs. Not just women of past generations with no education but women my age with respectable academic accomplishments.

Years ago, I set up a night out with a good friend to gossip, dine and see a flick. At the last minute she called to cancel. Why? Because she found out her hubby, just hours prior, had just invited a bunch of guys to play poker at their house. She had to make food for them, clean the house, and watch the kids. She added, ‘Well, he HAS been working really hard lately, so I guess he needs some time to relax.” I wanted to slap her. What about YOUR time to relax? You work hard too.

Recently, I invited another childhood friend over to catch up. She never showed. Days later she e-mailed me and told me why. Her hubby was in a parade. He decided to change his costume at the last minute. So who felt compelled to step, fetch, and fix? Her!

I love my oldest and dearest friends but it drives me crazy to watch some of them drop everything for their hubbies — not just once in a while but on a frequent basis. And later, these smart, capable women complain that they feel exhausted and “stepped on.” Well, duh. They are.

I think alot of women want to please because they reason a “good wife” makes her hubby happy. But WHY is it so important to be “a good wife” if you’ve lost your sense of self and continually feel like a doormat? What happens when you realize, like Kristin did, that you don’t even resemble the person you once were — the person your spouse fell in love with? What happens if you realize he’s happy in the marriage but you often aren’t?

Sometimes I feel stepped on. And when I do, my hubby hears all about it. (He does, just ask him.) It would be easier to be a “good wife” — to just smile and nod. There would be less arguments that way. But I know myself. When I do that, I seethe. I get angry at my hubby when I feel taken for granted. And I get even more angry at myself when I realize I’ve let it happen. My anger and frustration come out in other ways. Anger cuts both ways. It hurts everyone.

I don’t have an answer on how to improve any person’s marriage. I can only work on my own. I have no idea how any other woman can reclaim her sense of self. All I know is that its been a work-in-progress for me. But I think Kristin is on to something in this article. And I think its an article I need to save. Because in such a busy world, I need a reminder. (I think alot of women do.) I need to remember to cherish and nurture the “me.”