These are the top 10 things I’m pretty sure someone will NEVER say to me!

10.) “Hi. I’m from Juggs magazine. I’d like you to be our next cover model.”

9.) “Awww. You look so cute when you’re angry.”

8.) “This is Nasa. And we just wanted to let you know… You’d make a fabulous candidate for the space program.”

7.) “Hi, This is the (insert professional football cheerleading squad here). And you’ve been selected to be a part of the squad! You can pick up your skimpy uniform this week. Oh and after we’ve taken a look at your figure, we’ve determined you’ll easily fit into a size 0 uniform!”

6.) “The fact that you flunked algebra, chemistry (by a 10th of a point no less) and geometry in high school is SOOOO sexy!” (And yes, I really did. How pathetic am I?)

5.) “Baby. You were built for speed.”

4.) “Lisa, I think you should apply to Harvard School of Business. With your business know-how, I’m pretty sure they’ll accept you.”

3.) “Oh mom, how will I ever repay you for all of the times you’ve had to put up with my whining, cleaning up my puke, or comforting me for two hours after I had a bad dream? Here’s an island for all of your years of care and devotion, mom. It is staffed by buff young men willing to cater to your every whim. But know that its a small gesture of how much I love you and respect you.”

2.) “Lisa. You’ve always been our favorite child.”

1.) “Honey. Remember how we argued the other day? I’ve been thinking… You WERE right.”