Edited to add: Some people have remarked on the name of the place I talk about here. Yes, indeed, the place is called Woody’s Cafe. It was named after a man who had been very active in the church — named Woody. I’m guessing though that the church didn’t think about the other connotations the name carries. And I do giggle every time I blurt out “Oh Seth LOVES Woody’s!” Oh and also, this woman had the “landing strip.” Is that a part of the Brazilian wax family? I’m obviously not up-to-date on the waxing styles and names. And I promise you I didn’t not spend alot of time staring at her crotch. Ok. I probably did stare alittle. But I was more than a bit shocked and freaked. Not something I see everyday. Thankfully!

Dear Woman In White Capris,

The other day my son and I were at Woody’s in Sunset Hills. Now as you know, this is a fun little kids’ place (sort of like a McDonald’s playplace only much bigger, cleaner and without the general riff-raff) housed in a wing of a ginormous Christian Church.

So you can imagine how surprised I was to see you in some very TIGHT white capris made of very thin, thin fabric. Now this really isn’t the problem. I don’t generally care what people wear. The problem? Was that you weren’t wearing any underwear. And I honestly DID NOT NEED TO KNOW that the “curtains match the drapes.” Those pants were so tight and thin I now have a pretty good idea that you seem to prefer some sort of Brazilian wax-type of care for your privates. It was difficult NOT to notice.

You must be awfully proud of your hoo-hoo as you didn’t stop parading back and forth, back and forth in front of the play area. I hate to be all snarky and judgmental. I typically seek to understand. But the only reasons I can come up with for this sort of attire are the following:

1.) You are a prostitute who specializes in men with “mommy” fetishes. You’ve decided to try to drum up some new business at this particular establishment because you won’t have any other competition and the chances of getting busted by the cops there are nil.
2.) You got dressed in the dark and before you left, you did a final look-see in front of a mirror in a pitch-black room. And you didn’t think there would be so many fluorescent lights at Woody’s.
3.) You were formerly a man who has recently gotten his final sex-change operation. Now that you’ve got a hoo-hoo, you can’t wait to show it off as if to “prove” you really are indeed a woman.
4.) You are a stripper for a new “Naked! Live! Mommy bodies only!” club in Centreville, Il. And you are looking to recruit/drum up some business.

My guess is on the getting dressed in the dark thing. But if that was the case, how could you not notice this faux paus if you spent even a millisecond looking down at your shoes or shirt? And although we all hate panty lines — maybe they aren’t such a bad thing? Especially when you are in a room filled with kids under the age of 10?

On the upside, at least you have a nicely-shaped butt. Still, if you want to show it off, I suggest a different color choice in capris. Maybe some white or nude thong underwear too.

Signed,

MM
(A woman who hasn’t worn white pants or shorts since the summer before her 8th grade year… Because, duh!)