Dear Steve Oedekerk,
Tonight the hubs and I took our son to see a movie you wrote and produced. You know that one called “The Barnyard.”
Don’t get me wrong. I’m no cow expert. But I did grow up in a farming community. I’ve made many a trip to my uncle Dan’s farm. I could never resist an opportunity to stroll through the barns and check out his Holstein cows and calves. Actually, I still love to go to his barns when he hosts a family gathering. And as my high school sweetheart was a farm-hand, I spent quite a few hours hanging out in the milking parlor sporting rubbery work boots. (Aka “shit stompers”.)
Anyways… there are a few things that have poisoned my opinion of the movie. This is where I give you a little “Cow-101″.
BOYS are called Bulls. (One typically has a ring through its nose. There is a reason for the ring but I forget.) Castrated BOYS are called Steers. (If you want me to tell you HOW they are castrated, I can. But I’ll save that for another day.) The GIRLS are called cows.
Also, only females have udders — which nourish the mama’s calf. Cows are like human females — they don’t produce milk until they become mothers. Also? A woman’s breasts will continue to produce milk as long as the milk is expressed. A cow will continue to produce milk as long as it is milked. (Ever hear of the phrase, “Milking it for all its worth?” There you go!)
So why did your steers have udders? Why did the males refer to themselves throughout the movie as “cows?” And why did the full grown steers drink milk when they went for a joyride? Cows, steers and bulls don’t drink milk. Think about it. Would an adult drink breast milk? (If you want to know what they eat and drink, I can tell you but, again, some other time.)
Also, the character “Ben” supposedly protects the other barnyard animals from the coyotes. Steers are typically not aggressive. Shouldn’t the animal with actual male hormones coursing through its veins — the most naturally aggressive animal — get the job?
Oh and when a cow or steer or bull dies? The farmer usually calls a rendering plant to haul the carcass away. (If you need me to tell you what it is they do and why, I can but maybe that’s better left for another day too. Cause that kind of info might make you a little queasy.)
Frankly, after sitting through this movie, I have to wonder. Have you ever SEEN a cow? I’m not talking about a side of beef draped over your plate at a restaurant. Did ANYONE who had anything to do with this movie ever get within 20 feet of a real cow, steer, or bull? They aren’t complicated animals or anything. But I just have to wonder.
I did like the part where the barnyard animals had a wild party. And the butt-kicking scene at the end had most of the kids watching all riled up. But other than that, I just couldn’t get past the feeling that you showed up for the test without ever cracking open the book. You tried to “wing it.” Sometimes that works. But often times? Not so much.
Next time you write a story about an animal, you might want to consult someone who has a fairly decent understanding of that animal. And if you ever do another movie about farm life, you might want to consult, oh I dunno. A farmer? I don’t know if you know of any but the ones I know are really cool. Knowledgeable even! Or if you don’t want to go through the trouble of actual research, you can consult my preschooler. Even he could have told you that steers and bulls don’t have udders and why.
Signed,
MM
P.S. Dude? Farmers ROCK!
