Just say "No" to crack
Posted on October 24, 2006
Filed Under Uncategorized |
A few weeks ago, while transporting Seth to a birthday party, I thought, “Hey, its been a few weeks since I’ve last felt humiliated. Yeay Me!”
You know what I’m about to say here, don’t cha.
We arrived at the birthday party with me thinking we were late. Turns out, Seth and I were there 25 minutes early. Once I realized this, I apologized profusely to the birthday girl’s parents for infringing on their prep time. The mom of the birthday girl was very sweet and gracious. She said it wasn’t a big deal that we were early. But I wanted to crawl under some chairs or the closest rock I could find.
But this was nothing compared to what I did later on.
As the guests arrived — we moms and dads sat on the floor talking. (This wasn’t a house party. It was hosted at a kid’s fitness facility.) While listening to a fellow mom, I looked back and realized there was a rectangular mirror about (2 ft x 16 in) in back of me on the wall. But it wasn’t where you’d normally put a mirror. It was located an inch from the floor. At this point, I remembered how I had on low-slung jeans. And how, because I had no clean underwear, I was going commando. I glanced over my shoulder toward the mirror. My t-shirt had been riding up my back as I sat there. A gap in the waist of my jeans exposed something no one should ever have to see — two inches of my asscrack.
I then realized that the dad of the birthday girl and another guy were situated catty-corner to me. Odds are they got an eye full of the only kind of “cleavage” I possess. These poor women probably did too.
Words can not describe how horrified and humiliated I am. Now if I had the hot body of Seth’s swim teacher? It wouldn’t have been all that bad. But no. I have a “baby got some SERIOUS back” butt that hasn’t seen the inside of a gym — or the sun for that matter — in a long, long time. Think JLo with 15 extra pounds, on a diet comprised of ice cream and ding dongs, three years after she’s fired her personal trainer.
What sucks is that I see these people quite often as our kids are all friends. Now, every time they see my face, are they are going to think of my ass crack? And then will they throw up a little in their mouths? Or maybe they’ll try to find a horse to kick them in the head in hopes of getting that mental picture out of their mind?
I emerged from that experience a bit wiser. I realized two things: 1.) I need to expend more effort to ensure I always have clean underwear 2.) that the scorned “mom jeans” have a definite place and need in not only society’s wardrobe but mine as well. And maybe, just maybe, I need to respect the “classics”.
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26 Responses to “Just say "No" to crack”
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Low rise jeans are exactly why I am so thankful for extra long tank tops.
Just think, it can always be worse: I once went commando out of necessity, entertained acquaintances for a few hours, then realized after they left that my fly? Open. Gaping, in fact.
Girl, you are so silly. You don’t have a JLo booty, you’re tiny.
That is too funny. Embarassing for you, I’m sure, but certainly you can laugh a little about it now? At least you weren’t wearing embarassing underwear that they could see.
Just think how happy those hubbies were to see you smile!
I’ll bet you made their day!
I see ass cracks all the time. I’d rather be caught with no undies than big ugly ones.
I can lend you some of my granny panties? Will that help?
Just get a belt!!! That’s what I had to do because this was constantly happening to me. Under no circumstances should you go the “mom jeans” route.
well in our family we refer to it as ghetto bootie when there is a substantial amount of it. im sure every one will forget about it soon!
How funny. My sister always wears low ride jeans and her but is always hanging out. I always tell her when by yelling plumber butt.
Now see it could have been worse for you. I could have been at the party and announced to everyone that your buttcrack was hanging out. Then everyone would have known, not just the ones with a view of the mirror.
Damn. Poor you. Yikes.
I was just lamenting how my new jeans from LAST YEAR are already out of style for this year. Jeans should be a Fashion Staple, not a Statement. Grrrr……
NO! Say NO to Mom Jeans! They have Just Below Waist jeans that don’t have tapered legs that are full coverage, yet NOT MOM JEANS. Check out JC Penney’s website, or Kohl’s.
That said, Karma seems to be walking behind you kicking your feet out from under you the last few weeks. Kick her back. Or growl at her. Maybe shove a Peppermint Patty up her who-ha and she’ll go away wide awake and looking for someone else to pester. Between the flashing and the food poisoning and the thumb smashing and the minty who-ha and the headaches and the sleeplessness, I’d say you could use a serious break.
Woo hoo, I hope you fly commando and wear those jeans tomorrow!
If it makes you feel any better everyone at Hugo’s daycare has seen my boobages in their GRANDMA bra. Yes, holding a squirming one-year old while wearing a v-neck sweater and granny bra? Oh, so sexy and classy. I’m totally THAT mom. I’m just glad I’m not alone.
Metro mama’s right! No undies is better than granny undies stick out of the top….TOTALLY!
You will always be remembered as the Yummy Mummy…
Ohhhh, Lisa… I am howling… and I wish we lived closer as I would not let you live it down…
Mirrors no less!!!!
Cleavage and mirrors!!!!
And no underwear!!!! HAHAHAHAH!!!
I wonder how many google searches are going to find you today!!!!
You just know that the men were impressed with your J.Lo booty. The women? They called you a ho behind your back. Oh well. They’re just jealous they can’t live off ding dongs and ice cream and still look fierce.
I totally blame the low-rise designs of today’s jeans. They give even thin women love handles and ass cleavage. WHY OH WHY Don’t the bring back the classic cut?
The closest I found were Lucky jeans. Ugh. It was like a months long search.
Lisa
I won’t make fun of your mom jeans if you don’t make fun of mine.
I’m feelin’ you on the ass crack thing. I was at my husband’s work function a couple weeks ago and I’m pretty sure I flashed his male boss a couple times. The worst part was that I KNEW I was having cleavage issues, but I couldn’t do anything about it b/c I was chasing after little guy and every time I would have to bend over, WHAM. Ass crack in your face. My shirt wasn’t long enough to cover it. Oh, the humilation!
LOL- my nickname in high school was “butt crack girl” and I have to say, I still live up to the name LOL. Dont’ feel bad- it happens to the best of us!
Crack is whack, but that doesn’t mean you should wear mom jeans! I agree with Andrea, check out the low-rise at Kohls.
If it makes you feel better, I showed butt crack at parent/child night.
Lisa, your butt sounds exactly like my butt. “J-Lo with 15 extra pounds, on a diet comprised of ice cream and ding dongs . . .” Yeah, that’s my butt all right. Are you sure we weren’t twins separated at birth? And then, you know, they put me in a cryogenic chamber for a few years? (Cryogenesis– That would explain my memory problems . . .)
I have to say, I have glimpsed women’s thongs, granny panties and bare butt cracks on a number of occasions when sitting on the floor/ground due to low-rise pant slippage, and I’ve never thought much of it. I certainly wouldn’t hold it against someone, assuming she was wearing reasonably modest clothes for whatever event we were attending. Slips happen. And it’s not like I’ve never seen another woman’s butt before. Hello, locker rooms?
Honestly, I don’t get people getting so skeeved out by non-Hollywood nudity. We’re all naked under our clothes, and every body is somehow imperfect. I think the world would be a better place if clothing were optional. (I, however, would still go around wearing long pants and long skirts in the summertime to hide my thighs).
Lisa,
I am starting to think you are an exhibitionist. Was the pizza guy lurking around by any chance? Hmmm? *LOL*
Oh, I know how you feel. That has happened to me before. I do love the low rise jeans, but my butt has been known to make an unneeded appearance at such inopportune times as well.
Although I remember seeing your vacation pics, and something tells me your butt isn’t as awful as you think!
I think seeing a butt crack is much better then the butt floss peeking out. So many times I see women bending over at a store with the panties way on there hips and the jeans way low…therefore exposing the boomerang shape of THONG underwear fully exposed!!
YIKES…
Sounds like every time my sister comes over and gets on the floor to play with her baby. She actually prefers going commando, much to the horror of my two children.
Ha! so funny.
Things I’ve learned today: When wearing low-rise jeans, be aware of all mirrors at all times.
As a guy, I’ve been struggling with this problem all my life…my butt crack always finds a way to show when I sit down. I tried for a long time to fix it but nothing seems to work, so I’ve sort of given up. The people I care about accept me for who I am, butt crack and all…