There’s a person in my life that’s hurt me often throughout the years. But I know now the pain inflicted? Was a product of stress, exhaustion, loneliness and utter frustration. We’re all human. No one is perfect. Sometimes you inadvertently hurt or disappoint someone you love. And sometimes they are the one to hurt or disappoint you.

This person has had far more of a positive influence in my life than negative. I love them dearly. You know that phrase about not judging someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes? As I gain life experience, I understand this person more and more. But now I realize I’ve only walked about a quarter-mile in this person’s shoes. This person has endured far more hardships than I have and probably ever will. So while it would be easy to judge them harshly, I know for a fact that my life has been pretty comfortable compared to theirs.

But anyway… I have held onto the pain this person has unknowingly (and sometimes knowingly) inflicted.

A big part of the reason I do hold on to the hurt is that, in my mind? The perpetrator doesn’t seem to realize how much they’ve injured me. A slight scratch? No biggie. But if you’ve wounded me to my very core? Yeah, that’s something I don’t forget. I feel vindicated and validated in holding onto those emotions. I feel resentful. Try as I might, I can’t seem to let “it” go. I think a subconscious part of me doesn’t WANT to. If I’m honest with myself, I’d begrudgingly admit that cleaving onto past injuries makes me feel morally superior to that person — especially since they’ve judged me in the past and let it be known that I failed to live up to their expectations.

So today when talking to this person on the phone, this person expressed some regret over some previous incidents. This person isn’t one to dwell on the past. But today, I could tell by the tone of voice, this person has anguished over the many years of hurt they’ve caused. And this person has been beating themselves up for far longer than they’ve let on.

This makes my heart ache. This person is kind, generous, loving and compassionate. And this person is someone I have a tremendous amount of respect for.

So I called them up again — when I knew they weren’t home. I left a message on their machine asking them to forgive themselves. I asked them to not look back on our past relationship with pain or regret. Mistakes were made on both parts. I just want them to be happy. I told them I left a message on purpose — if they need to listen to it 600 times, they can. They need to let go of the pain of regret. They need to stop beating themselves up. We are human. We are imperfect. Mistakes happen. It’s what you learn as a result that counts.

I have acted as if I have forgiven this person. But in reality a piece of my heart has always held onto that hurt and pain. I think this person has sensed this and hasn’t forgiven themselves as a result. So today? I am letting it go. I WILL let it go.

I’m not writing this to say, “I’m a saint — I let this go.” Ha! Far from it. I’m ashamed I’ve held this grudge for so long. Pressing the “publish” button is my way of “letting go” — of letting it fly away. Plus, if I feel tempted to grab onto some of that resentment toward this person in the future? (After all, righteous indignation HAS been my constant companion all these years.) This is my “reminder”. This is my pledge.