Midwestern Mommy » Ah, "Anger" and "Resentment" -- my old friends

Ah, "Anger" and "Resentment" — my old friends

Posted on February 26, 2007
Filed Under Uncategorized |

There’s a person in my life that’s hurt me often throughout the years. But I know now the pain inflicted? Was a product of stress, exhaustion, loneliness and utter frustration. We’re all human. No one is perfect. Sometimes you inadvertently hurt or disappoint someone you love. And sometimes they are the one to hurt or disappoint you.

This person has had far more of a positive influence in my life than negative. I love them dearly. You know that phrase about not judging someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes? As I gain life experience, I understand this person more and more. But now I realize I’ve only walked about a quarter-mile in this person’s shoes. This person has endured far more hardships than I have and probably ever will. So while it would be easy to judge them harshly, I know for a fact that my life has been pretty comfortable compared to theirs.

But anyway… I have held onto the pain this person has unknowingly (and sometimes knowingly) inflicted.

A big part of the reason I do hold on to the hurt is that, in my mind? The perpetrator doesn’t seem to realize how much they’ve injured me. A slight scratch? No biggie. But if you’ve wounded me to my very core? Yeah, that’s something I don’t forget. I feel vindicated and validated in holding onto those emotions. I feel resentful. Try as I might, I can’t seem to let “it” go. I think a subconscious part of me doesn’t WANT to. If I’m honest with myself, I’d begrudgingly admit that cleaving onto past injuries makes me feel morally superior to that person — especially since they’ve judged me in the past and let it be known that I failed to live up to their expectations.

So today when talking to this person on the phone, this person expressed some regret over some previous incidents. This person isn’t one to dwell on the past. But today, I could tell by the tone of voice, this person has anguished over the many years of hurt they’ve caused. And this person has been beating themselves up for far longer than they’ve let on.

This makes my heart ache. This person is kind, generous, loving and compassionate. And this person is someone I have a tremendous amount of respect for.

So I called them up again — when I knew they weren’t home. I left a message on their machine asking them to forgive themselves. I asked them to not look back on our past relationship with pain or regret. Mistakes were made on both parts. I just want them to be happy. I told them I left a message on purpose — if they need to listen to it 600 times, they can. They need to let go of the pain of regret. They need to stop beating themselves up. We are human. We are imperfect. Mistakes happen. It’s what you learn as a result that counts.

I have acted as if I have forgiven this person. But in reality a piece of my heart has always held onto that hurt and pain. I think this person has sensed this and hasn’t forgiven themselves as a result. So today? I am letting it go. I WILL let it go.

I’m not writing this to say, “I’m a saint — I let this go.” Ha! Far from it. I’m ashamed I’ve held this grudge for so long. Pressing the “publish” button is my way of “letting go” — of letting it fly away. Plus, if I feel tempted to grab onto some of that resentment toward this person in the future? (After all, righteous indignation HAS been my constant companion all these years.) This is my “reminder”. This is my pledge.

Comments

20 Responses to “Ah, "Anger" and "Resentment" — my old friends”

reformattingmybrain on February 27th, 2007 8:40 pm

Oh how I wish I could let things go. I’ve never been good at letting things go. Good for you! I know the few times I have let things go I feel so good about myself for doing so, knowing how hard it is for me.
Stephanie A. on February 27th, 2007 9:08 pm

Letting go can be so hard and I admire you for this. And the message you left to this person is really endearing and makes me proud to count you as one of my friends, Lisa.
Oh, The Joys on February 27th, 2007 9:16 pm

I am a major grudge holder, so I’m impressed.
Becky on February 27th, 2007 10:35 pm

i can totally relate to this. and its such a burden off your shoulders when you let things go
Sandra on February 27th, 2007 11:25 pm

I could really learn a thing or two from you my friend. Sincerely. Letting go is tough. I am slooooowly learning.

Great post.
slackermommy on February 28th, 2007 12:24 am

Oh, good for you, honey! Forgiving and letting go is such a hard thing to do. I’m able to forgive and let go if the person who hurt me is sincerely sorry or did what they did because of their own bullshit. I had a friend that hurt me terribly with her words but later she apologized. It took me a couple months to get over it but I can sincerely say I’ve forgiven her and let go. Our friendship is now as if nothing ever happened. Where I have trouble is with those people who continue wrong doing even if they know they are hurting you.

I’m proud of you, especially the message you left this person.
Nicole on February 28th, 2007 5:04 am

Wow… that was a really nice post and I think it’s a really great thing to be able to let go like you have and let bygones be bygones. I think there’s forgiving someone in your heart and you just knowing it, but taking the time to let that person know is just so nice.
mk on February 28th, 2007 5:23 am

This post really hit close to home. I have a friend that has hurt many times over the years, but I don;t think they even know it. But reading this maybe they do and maybe I need to try and let go of some of the pain and frustrations I hold. Thank you so much for sharing.
carrie on February 28th, 2007 6:25 am

Bowing down to you, oh wise one, and hoping that by you letting go, your friendship will be even better and perhaps there will come a day when it (whatever it is) doesn’t even matter after all.

You are a wonderful friend, I hope this person know that.

Carrie
dodo on February 28th, 2007 12:26 pm

incredible timing. a friend of over 15 years has done exactly that letting me know I’ve disappointed them thing. and whenever there’s boat rocking in our circle of friends, she always assumes I’m to blame or that it’s all just down to me being difficult. Things from years ago with her still make my blood boil. I tried to talk to her about it last week, but she wasn’t really having any of it.

i guess i should give it another try
That Chick Over There on February 28th, 2007 3:31 pm

Good for you! I’m one of the worst grudge holders EVER. I can resent someone like no one’s business. I admire people who can get past it!
Andrea on February 28th, 2007 4:35 pm

I am a huge grudge holder. I’ve been looking for ways to let things go for a long time. Unfortunately, I can’t write about most of it on my blog because I don’t want to drag that stuff out for the public to peruse and judge themselves. And I can’t be as vague about it as you and still purge it. I hope this works for you! If so, maybe I’ll write a post and just not publish it. Or maybe I’ll go to The Basement to air it.
Steven Novak on February 28th, 2007 5:11 pm

If I could let things go it wouldn’t be aover a year since I last talked to my father.

Steve~
Quinn on February 28th, 2007 6:55 pm

What a great post. I am terrible at holding grudges- I just don’t have the energy for it. Although there are a few people in my life who have lost the right to matter so much to me, because of the pain they’ve caused me in the past. I totally forgive them, I just refuse to take them seriously nowadays, thereby stripping them of the power to hurt me again. Hmmm… I wonder if that makes me mature, or totally dysfunctional?
Reba on February 28th, 2007 8:34 pm

I have not spoken to my best friend since before christmas. You may have just inspired me to suck it up and call her. Even though it was her fault. Hmmm…Sounds like I may still have a problem with forgiving.
scribbit on February 28th, 2007 9:38 pm

I love this post. I really admire you for being able to do this, forgiving is so hard to do but I’m convinced it makes us better people. Thanks for sharing this difficult subject.
Lori on March 1st, 2007 2:58 am

I am not a very good grudgeholder. Like someone said before me here, it just seems to take too much energy and focus to stay angry at someone for a long time. I also think that because I’m an agnostic/borderline atheist, I feel that this life is the only shot I’ve got at being happy, so holding a grudge would only stand in my way.

I read somewhere (I think it was in a book called Life 101) that forgiveness is the best gift a person can give to him/herself. If you don’t forgive, you only wind up hurting yourself in the long run. Interesting, isn’t it?
Brown Eyed Girl on March 1st, 2007 3:16 pm

I’ve gotten better about these things too as I’ve gotten older.

For me, I don’t forget what happened but I do forgive them for their imperfections because LORD knows I have enough of my own.

I’ve become more “accepting” I guess of people for who they are and sometimes that means just finding a way to say “you didn’t know what you were doing but this is how I feel about it.” and moving on. Because like you said..people (even me) make mistakes.

Good for you.

I hope hitting the “publish” button worked.
Sandy. on March 1st, 2007 10:03 pm

I followed the link from Petroville to your “perfect post.”

What a lesson for us all.

Sandy.
Chris on March 5th, 2007 2:59 am

Just lurking…What a great perfect post! I came over from Surburban Turmoil.