Midwestern Mommy

Dear Seth’s future love interests and future spouse:

I’m sure I will find you adorable, charming, and smart. I just want you to know up front — even if you are a brain surgeon who looks like a supermodel and you spend your vacations in poor countries caring for orphans? There will still be a small part of me that will probably wonder if you love my dear sweet little boy as much as I think you should.

Just know it has nothing to do with you. Its about me wondering, “who else could ever love him as much as his mommy!” I mean, he’s my ONLY baby! And I rather LOVE being his “best lady.” You may/may not understand someday when you become a parent.

And to his future spouse? I am so sorry for the way I may behave. I may get into your business because by then I may have far too much free time. You’d better hope Seth’s father doesn’t kill himself with all of the crap he eats because if that’s the case, there will be NO ONE to tell me I’m behaving like a total pain in the ass. Really! Who will keep me in check?

That is all. Oh and I hope that even if you can’t stand my crazy butt, you will still be ok with your husband visiting me. And I hope you will bite your tongue alot when you have children and I blurt out obnoxious “assvice“. I will try to fight it. But I am my father’s daughter. I stick my foot in my mouth all the time! It may worsen with age. I will probably offend you many times without meaning to. I just hope you will see that the craziness is marbled with love and respect.

Thank you.

Lisa

P.S. If he acts like a selfish jerk or doesn’t clean up after himself, I will adminster a verbal buttkicking for you. Just say the word. I work hard to raise a loving, loyal, compassionate, hardworking, intelligent man with manners who knows how to cook, clean and give compliments. For your sake and his, I hope I succeed.

A few days ago, while tucking “the boy” in for the night, I was bestowed a precious gift.

“Mom?” Seth said in a most serious tone. “You’re my VERY BEST lady.”

I mustered up an equally somber voice and replied, “Thanks sweets. I love you too. Good night.”

Then I ran downstairs and laughed until my sides hurt.

By that statement alone, one may choose to surmise that my son is destined for a career as a pimp. And someday he may have a whole stable of “ladies.” Perhaps, that’s how he’ll “sell” them.

“This one here? She’s my BEST lady!”

No. I don’t think that’s the case. (At least I HOPE not!) While he may worship his daddy, at the end of the day? Its mommy who’s still the person he looks to for love, comfort and snuggles. This fact alone warms my heart. Truth be told, it strokes my ego.

I know that in a few years some young lass will steal his heart and usurped my prestigious position. So for now I relish those hugs, smiles, kisses and compliments. For now he’s still “my sweet little bunny.” I know that someday I will have to “let go”. But I often wonder aloud: How exactly am I going to do that?

When Parentbloggers asked for interested reviewers to test-drive the 2007 Saturn Vue Green Line (a four-wheel drive hybrid), I was all, “Oh! Oh! Pick me! Pick meeeeee!” We plan to buy a new vehicle soon but were unsure as to what exactly we wanted. But with gas price soaring, we (like tons of other people) are seriously considerating a hybrid. And besides, I really like Saturn’s “no haggle” sales policy.

When the Green Line Vue was delivered to our front door and we were told we could “treat this vehicle as you would your own”, I felt a bit sorry for Saturn. They obviously don’t realize we have a spastic dog with a shedding problem who LOVES to go for car rides. Nor did they realize how many meals we actually eat in the car while on the run.

We did treat the vehicle as our own. (They are probably still finding cookie crumbs and dog hair in the seat creases weeks later.) But as a result, we drove the vehicle everywhere we needed to be (even took it on a few date nights). And by the end of two weeks, we were sad to bid our peppy little friend farewell.

What I liked:
First off, it felt like such a luxury to drive a vehicle that doesn’t smell like vomit. (Our son threw up in our current vehicle three times in the first 6 months of ownership. What didn’t help was the summer heat that baked in the smell. So even after almost two years of ownership, there’s still a lingering scent.) We loved the hybrid’s leather seats. The temperature controls quickly heat or cool to one’s liking. Plus? The interior seems surprisingly roomy for a mini suv. And the radio/cd player sound is great. Just those basics were enough to keep us happily reaching for the Vue keys.

The Green Line Vue arrived at our house with a full tank of gas. Since the vehicle boasts a fuel efficiency of 27 city miles per gallon and 32 highway miles per gallon, I was eager to see how far that amount of gas would take us. I usually need to fill the tank of my 4-cylinder Honda CRV once every five days. With the Vue’s hybrid engine, I was able to extend that by an extra two days!

And speaking of the engine – it is fairly quiet at faster speeds. When the vehicle stops and energy is drawn from the battery, the hybrid is so silent, some reviewers have thought the car stalled! (But it didn’t. The hybrid is as eager to get moving as you are!)

A few other mentions:
While the engine is peppy enough for city driving (going from 0 to 35 mph within a short distance), the biggest complaint for us was how sluggish the vehicle was when on an interstate going uphill. While there were no problems reaching a speed of 65-70 miles per hour on a flat stretch of interstate, the vehicle couldn’t maintain that speed while driving up a fairly steep incline. (If you don’t do much highway driving — especially in hilly regions – this is probably a non-issue. But being that grandparents live on the outskirts of the Ozarks, we tackle hilly terrain at least once a month.)

Also, while I found the steering to be very responsive, the turning radius wasn’t as tight as the vehicle we own now.

And another thing…
The Green Line Vue (which starts at $22,370 standard retail price) got a lot of attention wherever we drove. Our son’s preschool teachers, other preschool parents, neighbors, family members and friends all asked about the vehicle. (You wouldn’t believe how many times I was stopped in parking lots or even at a traffic light and quizzed about the hybrid’s handling, gas mileage and price.)

All in all, we did enjoy our stint as Saturn Vue Hybrid drivers. And by the overwhelmingly positive responses we received, I think a lot of people are looking upon the Saturn Vue Green Line with great interest.

This review was written for The Parent Bloggers Network. If you have a product you’d like PBN to review, click on this link for more info.

Last summer our usually sweet, shy, mild-mannered boy morphed into a character he calls “Tweed”.

“Tweed” is a super-squirrelly, larger-than-life, hyper-spaz from some far off land. “Tweed” has a few good points – like being outgoing and friendly. But that’s pretty much it. It is as if this “Tweed” character kicked the little man’s butt then inhabited his body. All. Last. Summer.

Seth is a gentle little soul but “Tweed” was destructive and obnoxious. And of course, Seth blamed any broken rules, or transgressions on “Tweed”. (Seth spent a lot of time in “timeout” when “Tweed” emerged.) While I love my sweet-tempered, little Seth, “Tweed” got on our nerves somethin’ fierce.

As the morning air grew crisp and cold, “Tweed” ran off. We had our charming boy back. Oh happy day! But now that the first signs of summer are upon us, “Tweed” has returned. It may be Another. Long. Summer.

I blame it on the fact that the boy was born a Gemini. No, he doesn’t have multiple personalities, he’s a Gemini! Don’t get me wrong — there’s lots of crazy in the family — on both sides, even. But not THAT kind of crazy.

I’m thinking maybe parents of Gemini children should be able to get an extra tax break. With all of that duality, a parent DOES get more “kid” for the money.

(P.S. I’m not saying Geminis are crazy. At least no crazier than any other sign.)

Remember being in 8th grade? And one day the “cool kids” invite you to their table. On one hand, you’re super nervous but also excited. But on the other hand you can’t figure out for the life of you WHY they’ve asked you to join them. So you assume it must be their good deed of the day to suffer your company. And you’re scared they’re going to see what a dork you truly are and then ask you to leave?
No? Just me? (Awkward pause. Blushes. Ah, ok then.)

Friday night I had the great fortune to met up with the supercool St. Louis blogging babes Dana, Reba, and Jaelithe. I was so nervous, that first martini was imbibed in less than 10 minutes. (And it was awfully gracious for the ladies to pretend not to notice.)

But my nervousness quickly faded. These women are warm, witty, sweet, smart, fun, fascinating and so very, very pretty! Jaelithe is a soft-spoken, gentle soul who’s compassionate and very articulate. Reba is lively and enthusiastic with a wonderful sense of adventure. Dana is very animated, energetic, feisty and charismatic.

And all three have such pretty, pretty hair! I felt like I was busting up what could have been a shampoo commercial. I wish we could have talked for six more hours — I found myself on the edge of my seat the entire time.

There is something amazing about getting together with fellow bloggers — especially if you read them on a regular basis. You get to know their sense of humor, interests, and where they are in their life journey. So when you meet them you can jump right into topics that you know are of interest to everyone. You can discuss issues you don’t feel comfortable blogging about. You can ask the questions you’ve been dying to ask.

What’s great is the (in my experience thus far) unspoken understanding that conversations about the unblogable stuff are confidential. So you are able to speak freely and the experience feels more like catching up with old friends than meeting up with new ones. And the bonus? When you read their posts later, you have a voice to put with the written words. And you can picture their gestures or facial expressions too. How cool is that!

All in all, a fabulous night. Hope we can get together again soon. And hope Raquita, Stephanie, Melissa, Michelle, Linlee, Jenn, Kristie, and Andrea, Nancy can join us next time!

Is it just me or do ya’ll roll your eyes at most of the fall previews for new comedies? Oh look! A tubby, bumbling, clueless guy and his hot, good-natured wife. Ohhhh. There’s the single guy who’s always got an angle and his one friend with a conscience. Gag.

(Thank you God for “The Office”.)

I’ve often thought, if scriptwriters want some fresh, funny, material they should check out the mom blogs. With moms living out loud, there’s tons of funny antics and shenanigans in the blog-o-sphere.

Well, some wise person figured this out. And they put a cool plan in motion. That plan is “In the Motherhood.” We? Supply the stories. Professional screenwriters develop the characters and story lines. The final product? Some pretty funny (and highly-entertaining) webisodes.

Typically, the site will have a featured topic like “child’s worst meltdown” or “funniest mother-in-law childcare advice.” Moms write their stories in paragraph form. The on-line mom community votes and nominates the best entries. And Viola. Your story could be brought to life! But at least this time, that horrifying/humiliating/unbelievable moment isn’t happening to YOU again.

Leah Remini stars and if you check out the YouTube on their site, you will see that it IS hysterical. (And I’m not even a big fan of Leah. But I DO like her in this venture.)

So go check it out and have some fun!

So I owe ya’ll some “super cool news,” eh?

Well… My “big news” as you’ve surmised from the title of this post fell through. (It’s like I’m a mom version of Chicken Little!)

A tv producer from New York contacted me through my blog a few weeks ago. She liked my writing/blog! She said they wanted me to appear on their nationally syndicated talk show. I was superexcited.

They wanted me on a plane by that Sunday so they could tape the show on Monday or Tuesday. The weekend they were wanting me to fly out was packed with plans. Many phone calls were made giving people a “heads up” that I’d have to cancel plans due to this cool endeavor. (I can’t cancel on a person without giving them the truth so I ended up telling the story and “outing” my blog.) Since the show peeps wanted my husband to appear on the program with me (at one point) he had to “out” my blog to get approval to take that Monday and Tuesday off.

And then the “powers that be” at the talk show changed the plans. And although this new idea would make for better tv, it also meant more work and stress for the hubby and myself. It also meant changing the original childcare arrangements I’d scrambled to make.

The booking agent told me they’d let me know the concrete arrangements after the producers had finished their meetings. It was Friday and I still didn’t know what was happening. Not once did I hear an “if” in their plans when they talked to me. It was all about “when”.

But they never called back. After the weekend passed I wondered if they meant the following week. But nope. They just dropped me. Now, I look like a tool in front of alot of people. I’m in my mid-30’s. I thought I could spot sincerity by now. Obviously not.

But ’twas not meant to be. That’s ok. I’m perfectly content in being an anonymous nobody. I LIKE being an anonymous nobody. All these years of practice? I’ve become pretty good at it.

P.S. It’s not Oprah. She’s in Chicago.

Her name is Helen. She has a quick wit, a vivacious personality, and a gentle strength. And when you first meet her, you can’t help but notice her bright eyes, her lovely smile and her energy. (Oh and? She’s alot of fun on a bachelorette party.)

“I’m not sure how she went about starting the school,” Becky continues. “But I know that fundraising was a major part of the job. There also was some state money. Money was donated by many, and it required a lot of volunteers to help with the school on a daily basis. They did pay one teacher throughout the time it was open.”

Mother’s Day is a mere two days away. And the brilliant moms behind Parent Blogger’s Network posed an interesting question: “What Makes You a Mother?”

I could joke about what makes me a mother is the stretch marks, extra weight that won’t budge, the cluster of toys hap-hazardly strewn about near the stairs, and how I can hear the tv blaring a kid’s program. But honestly? I’m too freaking tired to come up with something clever there.

But I guess what makes me a mom is realizing motherhood isn’t just a job — its like a state-of-mind. It is knowing your child so well, you can often predict what he’ll say next. What makes me a mom is understanding there’s a certain method to the mothering madness. It is marveling at how the chaos of the days — present and past — mesh together forming a beautiful collage of memories, kisses, and defining lessons.

What makes me a mother is also how I end each day. I sneak into my son’s room, marvel at his long, lean limbs, then whisper in his ear, “You are the most wonderful boy in the whole wide world. You are the most wonderful boy there ever was. And I love you more than everything. Even chocolate milk shakes.” (And I REALLY, REALLY love chocolate milkshakes.)

The question, “What makes you a mother” was posed by Kevin, the dad/Light Iris founder who has been wearing a Preggo Suit all month long. Apparently, he’s started asking himself some interesting questions. Is being a mom just about the actual having of the kids? Or the raising of the kids? Or maybe both?

That’s why his company, “Light Iris and Parentbloggers are sponsoring a “Blog-Blast. You can win prizes like a $100 gift certificate to a SPA FINDER to be announced on Mother’s Day. To enter, write a post on your blog about what makes you a mother. Post your entry at any time on Friday May 11. Don’t forget to send it to parentbloggers@gmail.com so they can enter you into the drawing and give you a bit of linky-love. A random winner will be chosen on Mother’s Day.

Light Iris is also running another Mother’s Day contest. Go to their site to check it out.

Dear Cardinals Management,

This past Sunday the hubby and I went to one of your games. T’was fun! We had some sweet seats that were free (thanks to Marc’s work!). And as usual, the stadium beer tasted like a magical elixir. And we were even treated to a sight we’ve never seen before — a man had poorly, but surely, spray-painted his bald spot! (Dude! You fooled everyone. No. Not really. But we laughed alot over this — especially after imbibing said elixir.)

But anyway… I digress. I’m here to offer my services to your organization.

What could I bring to the table, you may ask? Simple. I noticed your players do alot of butt patting. Now this sort of work requires effort — effort your players should conserve then unleash when it comes to hitting or fielding.

From the games I’ve seen over the years, I understand butt pats can mean a number of things — like “go get ‘em tiger” or “good job” or “yeah, tough break.”

For some weird reason I give baseball butt pats to my son and hubby several times a day. And have been doing so for years. So you see, I not only understand the meanings and importance behind the butt pat but I’m pretty experienced in the delivery.

Plus? I have the tired, harried “mom-next-door” look going on. The players’ girlfriends and wives wouldn’t think me a threat. Hell, they’d probably start going to more games just for the sheer entertainment of watching some crazy woman (in desperate need of some highlights) running amok, trying to “feel up” all those young bucks in rotation.

Now your mamas have probably taught you that nothing is free in life. But in this case? They are wrong. I would be happy to offer my services for free. Well… almost free. I would need free parking, drinks and a little air-conditioned room in which to hang out… You know, in between butt pattings. Oh, and a 401 K would be awesome but not necessary. We could talk about that.

Just something for you to think about.

Love and warm fuzzies,

Midwestern Mommy

P.S. On a completely unrelated note, Suebob asked peeps to link to her column. Dollar Rent-A-Car did her wrong. WRONG! Read about it here.

Remember digging in the dirt in hopes of discovering buried treasures? Or finding yourself mesmerized while watching the various insects scurry for cover after you’d pick up a rock? Remember those long summer days when your parents would force you outside, “to let the stink blow off ya.” (Or was that just MY parents who said things like that?)

Well, brothers Conn and Hal Iggulden do. And they used those childhood memories to write The Dangerous Book for Boys – a tome that could soon be considered the bible of boyhood.

The brothers leave no stone unturned when it comes to topics of boyhood interest. And there’s a plethora of tips and “how-to’s” as well. Want to know how to fine tune your paper airplane design? It is in the book. Want to know how to build a supercool treehouse? Again — in the book. There are even lessons on correct grammar usage, a list of books every boy should read, and advice on how to talk to girls. But if grammar and girls aren’t of particular interest? A boy can always read about pirates, how to hunt/cook a rabbit or even learn the finer points of poker.

What I liked about the book:
The book has a very easy-going, enthusiastic feel to it. The chapters are short so you, or the kids in your life, won’t feel so overwhelmed. And the brothers’ endearing sense of humor shines through. (The way they write reminds me of my father-in-law — an incredibly intelligent, loving man whom I dearly admire and respect.) And you get a sense that the brothers have a great relationship. It is obvious — creating this book was a labor of love.

And they do offer some very cool tips. The book isn’t limited to just boys. Anyone can read it. And regardless of age or gender, there are chapters of interest to everyone. And although, growing up, I wasn’t into “Famous battles” or “The rules of soccer”, I still would have loved this book for the chapters like “Dog tricks” or “Growing sunflowers” or “Insects and spiders”.

My little man takes the business of being a boy VERY seriously. Most boys inherently do. I know that as he gets older, he and his friends will delve into this boyhood manual — especially when they find the chapter on how to build a go-cart! (God help our neighborhood when THAT happens!)

What you should know:
This book is best for boys about nine and older. Also, with some of these projects I would highly recommend adult supervision, lest you WANT to spend a few hours at your local emergency room. But the sorts of projects that require supervision are obvious. People with common sense (and are majorly paranoid like me) won’t allow ‘tween-age kids to try to make a tree house or build a workbench completely on their own.

This book is perfect for:
Boys (and many girls) of all ages will find something to love about this book. And it would make a fabulous Father’s Day gift — especially for grandfathers. It might spark some wonderful boyhood memories for the dads and grandpas to share with their young-uns. And for those fathers or grandfathers who find they have a hard time relating/connecting with their boys — reading this together may inspire some spirited discussions or interesting projects.

TO WIN A TWO-MAN TENT by NORTHFACE go to Parent Bloggers Network and leave a comment on The Dangerous Book for Boys campaign post.

This review was written for The Parent Bloggers Network. If you have a product you’d like PBN to review, click on this link for more info.