The second kid conundrum
I just spent two hours on a post. And then erased it.
Sometimes you start writing about the problem. You pour your heart out. And its only when you get to the end of the post that you realize that the real issue? Is in that final, carefully constructed sentence.
I’ve never seen myself as a mother of an only child. I have always assumed I would have at least two or three kiddos. The hubby and I have been trying for more than two years now with no luck. Part of me has felt sad. But part of me has felt “ok” with it. And therein lies the problem.
Seth was a difficult baby. He didn’t sleep much, had alot of ear infections and had colic. Later, he morphed into a difficult toddler. He still didn’t sleep through the night. He didn’t talk. Several times a day, for not discernible reason he would SCREAM into my crotch. Many days I felt emotionally strung out and exhausted by 10 a.m. I was also battling 15-25 migraines a month. I felt like such a crappy mom. And my husband? Was traveling alot and working 60-80 hour work weeks. When he was home, the last thing he wanted to do was deal with a screaming child — especially one that hardly recognized him. It was a very tough few years. And our marriage barely survived.
It wasn’t until after a year of working closely with speech and occupational therapists that I began to really enjoy my son. He has as a Sensory Integration issue. You wouldn’t know it now though, thankfully. But he needs a bit more attention than your average kid. The migraines are better these days but I do know that every few years, my body goes all spastic and I get 15-25 a month for 9-12 months in a row.
And I wonder, could I be pregnant and care for a baby all over again? And this time with an older child? What if the second child has special needs (more so than what Seth had)? Would we be emotionally equipped to be good parents? We could adopt. That’s not out of the question. But the bigger issue is simply… Can we give a second child the energy and patience he or she would need? Can I be the kind of mother another child would need me to be? And would our marriage thrive or crumble as a result?
There’s NOTHING wrong with having one child. I know alot of wonderful only children. But that adage, “You don’t regret the kids you had, you regret the kids you didn’t have” haunts me.
So the big questions I have for ya’ll are…. How did you know when you were ready for more children? How did you know when you were finished? When you added on to your family, did you think you’d have the patience and energy you’d need? And in having more children, do you now think you have the patience and energy you need? Spill it, lovelies! I am in great need of your wisdom!
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By Alissa, August 22, 2007 @ 11:56 am
Well, I have 2 kids. I love BOTH of them with all my heart and soul.
Now that I’ve said that…
I only wanted one. One was the plan. Number two was, shall we say…unexpected. The result of DH putting off and putting off the vasectomy and some issues I had that made my cycle irregular.
I was so, so worried about having a second child. Like Seth, Drew wasn’t the easiest baby. And besides that, I completely hated being pregnant. I stressed and worried for the entire pregnancy.
Then Nicky was born. And I loved him instantly (I wasn’t sure I would–I was afraid I’d resent him). He was a good baby, and aside from the NEVER SLEEPING I enjoyed him.
It was very hard for about a year, but of course that would be different for you–I was parenting a 2 year old and a newborn, not a 6 year old and a newborn! And it’s still not easy. Of course, I’m not a naturally patient and motherly type–I have to work at it.
Let me say again I LOVE MY BOYS. But, if I had to do it over again? I’d still only have one. I would never trade Nick. Never. But if I didn’t know about him, if he didn’t exist in my mind, I’d stick with one. Just like I always wanted.
By Suebob, August 22, 2007 @ 12:46 pm
I’m sure the advice you get will be all over the map. It seems like you are trying but sort of ambivalent at the same time. So maybe just keep on doing what you’re doing, and if it is meant to be, it will happen.
Or not. IMO the world is horribly overpopulated, so limiting our reproduction is probably a good thing for the planet.
By christina_the_wench, August 22, 2007 @ 1:08 pm
Lisa, I have three daughters. Two with me, one with God. I knew I wanted my girls to be close in age so they could help each other, play together, etc. That was me. That may not be you. You have reason to question all of this given Seth’s past trials and your health issues.
There is nothing wrong with throwing all of your love into that darling little boy you have. He has friends he can turn to for playmates. He will be ok as the sole heir to midwesternmommy.com
You and your hubby need to talk it through. Make the right decision for you and stick with it.
*big hug*
By Michelle DePew, August 22, 2007 @ 3:28 pm
I happened upon your site, but reading mammalouges. And something about your post, hit me. I am a proud mother of two……who would have been happy with one.
History - my son Rylan (now 6) was born with bi-leral cleft lip/palate. Difficult does not begin to spell out his first 2 1/2 yrs of life. Therapist, surgeries, colic, crying, not sleeping, strained marriage, a husband that traveled 60% of the time. The list seems endless.
I am saddened to say that it seems to be a blurr…I have fond moments engraved in my mind of my son being an infant. But his infant stage has been my least favorite.
Given his clefting and that fact that I always felt as if I was ‘winging’ parenthood, I was left not wanting more children. I never expected that I would not want more children. However, the thought of another baby and the infant stage was not appealing. Plus we ran a 50/50 shot of having another cleft child.
My husband is the youngest of 6, I am one of 3 - we have siblings we LOVE. We have 10 nieces and nephews - no one is an only child. But then again, no one had a baby like Rylan. The rest of my family had ‘wonderful’ babies. No issues, no colic, they all slept thru the night. So as much as they were concerned - they just did not know.
What to do……
Well, needless to say we now have Pyper (18mths). And my turning point was not any pressure from my family, friends, or husband. Mind you, they all pressured me. It was when I attended the funeral of my best friend’s mother. My best friend is an only child. And no one was there to help her thru the pain, the emotions, the arrangements, the paperwork etc. I sat in the front row with her holding her hand and crying at the loss. I thought then and there - Rylan will need someone to talk to, hold, and help him thru a time like this. Rylan is the most important person, and when we are gone what will he have? Perhaps a wife and children, but maybe not.
I ran all of my hopes and fears thru my husband. We are best friends, we had a second child together. Meaning we discussed changing jobs, and finding ways to make this transition a bit easier on both of us. This helped. He understood my fear and concerns and knew the strain Rylan had on our relationship. We were determined no matter what to make it all work out – together.
So now we have Pyper. And it has been a struggle of a different kind. But one I would not change. Wait for your moment. You will know. I love my two children, but still the infant stage is my least favorite.
Funny, my marriage is stronger because of Pyper. My family feels complete. My son has a sister and my daughter has a brother. They are the best parts of me and my husband and now they have each other to play with, look after and fight with.
I hope this helps. I think Rylan would have been just fine as an only child, he would not have known better. However, now that we have Pyper, even with a 5 yr difference, there is an unexplainable bond between the two of them. That is bond is irreplaceable.
Best of luck.
By Jenn, August 22, 2007 @ 3:37 pm
I knew I was done after Unruly was born. Two was enough, I said. No more. Technically, she is my only biological, but her older sister (my stepdaughter) has lived with us since she was four, so she’s “mine” too.
I know myself enough to know that I couldn’t, and wouldn’t want to, have another kid. Well enough to insist that either I was getting a tubal or hubby was getting a vasectomy. He got the vasectomy less than a year after Unruly was born.
I have enough patience and wisdom for two, but no more than that. Some days, I question my intelligence for even having TWO! Maybe it’s me being selfish, but I don’t really want to be 50 years old and still rearing a kid.
It’s a very personal decision. I still get asked when I’m having another and when I say “Never!” I get The Look, like I’m supposed to be desperately wanting to add to my brood and I’m flawed for not wanting to.
By MK, August 22, 2007 @ 4:16 pm
wow - that wa great raw post. I am only child and I think turned out to be a pretty good adult - I have my issues, but I am a nice person that contributes to society and has built a wonderful family. That being said, if Abbie ende dup being an only child I would still be hoppy as I have her in my life. I have no idea what it is like to have siblings or deal with sharing attention. But I always nknew because I am only child and felt the budon of it at times (especually now with parents that have medical issues) that I never wanted Abbie to be an only child. I want her to have someone to share life’s rough spots with and the burdon of aging parents. I know that it doesn;t always work out the way think it may with siblings, but I at least want the option there. My husband has 3 siblings and they are all close- I want that for her. I was very scared about having a small toddler and a nother one, but one day I just came to teh realization that no time is the right time and it would be ok. Abbie had horrible issues with her eays and has a bone condition. we have a 50% change that our next one will have the same bone condition, but we know we will just deal with it. We worked through it with Abbie and we will be the same with two or 3 or 4- what ever we end up having. My husband is very very hand son and that helps, but it isn;t always easy, but the good times out way the bad. Now with all that being said - it sounds like you really did have a rough time with the first couple years of Seth’s childhood and I htink I would be nervous too of repeating or worse. I hostly think that one day you just know and everything happens for a reason. i don;t know if that helps you at all. Hugs!!!!
By Rebecca, August 22, 2007 @ 4:27 pm
Lisa,
Considering I don’t have any kids yet, I’m afraid I have no read advice or wisdom to give you. What I can say though, is what I know from knowing you: you are a fantastic mother. Seth is one lucky boy. Any other child would be lucky to join your family. You and Marc would thrive, because you have more experience to fall back on this time.
However, let me just say something as someone who is an only child herself. My mom always wanted many children. My dad had other plans. And I think there is such a special relationship with your mom that comes from being an only child.
But… on the other hand… I kind of feel like, from my experiences with my friends and family, when you are finished having babies, you just know it. That seems to be the common thread, that you just know it.
By becky, August 22, 2007 @ 4:40 pm
i’m struggling with this issue now. hannah’s not been a special needs child but we still toss and turn on if we really NEED to have another baby. we’re trying right now and the more the mos go by w/o being pregnant the more i start to think that i could handle only having one kid and hannah would be fine. its a HUGE step—especially in our situation where our kids, seth and hannah both, are older. its hard to picture going back to the beginning. we decided it was tiem to start trying again because hannah was starting school. thats when we said we were ready
By Rebekah, August 22, 2007 @ 4:47 pm
My first child has a hearing problem. He was very stubborn as a child and when I later learned he couldnt hear me as well, I felt super quilty. He is 13 now, has issues with ADD and is anal-compulsive. He has been more difficult to raise than the other kids but we work through it.
My second son was a breeze, and aside from the pre-teen attitude, he is very well manored.
My 3rd was a girl who didnt sleep and had an ear infection every month. she is 3 now and makes me laugh every day… she can also be quite moody.
My 4th is another girl, 1 yrs old. She had ear infection, colic but she sleeps pretty good.
I guess my point is each child is different. I grew up the youngest of 5 so I always wanted atleast 3 kids. I didn’t plan any of them really but one thing I noticed was that it wasnt any more difficult with two than with one. I was already making lunches, cleaning up toys, giving baths, ect… I found that I didn’t have to ‘entertain’ just one child, they entertained each other. They all get along for the most part, there is some sibling stresses, but nothing out of the norm.
I guess the good comes with the bad, but it’s all love and I love it. My ears turn red daily, but I laugh daily, love daily, learn daily. Being a mom, especially of 4, has brought me to a better person in myself. I’m not perfect and I make sure I tell my kids that when I screw up. We make our way each day as a family
By Oh, The Joys, August 22, 2007 @ 6:26 pm
It all happened to us so quickly. We were slow getting pregnant with The Mayor and then were pregnant with The Rooster when he was only five months old. When Roo was 3 months, K went RUNNING to the snip snip man. We were just too tired to even consider another.
In response to what you wrote… I don’t know what you deleted, but appreciate what you posted. That is hard stuff. Thinking of you…
J
By Carrie, August 22, 2007 @ 6:30 pm
Sometimes when the decisions are made for us, that is easier than actually making the decisions ourselves.
That being said . . . I always knew I wanted 3 kids - but the timing was less in my control. I got pregnant with Wyatt when McRae was 9 months old and I was still breastfeeding, still on a mini pill. I had my 1st period and I went to the Dr. to see if that meant I was ovulating - which she assured me I wasn’t, and I was still protected. Silly her. It wasn’t horrible news or anything for us, because we’d always anticipated having the first 2, 2 years apart. We were just off by 9 months!
After being blessed with 2 boys, my husband decided he was done. Totally not fair. It’s not that I wanted to try for a girl (which is a saying that makes me want to shoot flames from my eyes), but I was still thinking along the “3 kids” idea and I knew that I wasn’t done. This knowing thing is difficult to describe, but I knew.
Deciding when to have our 3rd was easy, for me. I didn’t really think about it too much, it just happened. My pregnancy with her was fine, and I had the energy to deal with 2 active boys, along with migraine relief (my migraines stay away when I’m preg.) but afterwards, there were a heap of complications, a fussy, colicky baby and the discovery of some weird blood (E antigen) that would only get worse with more pregnancies, so those reasons alone told me that physically, I was done. And it hurt a little, because I feel like I could never really know that for sure on my own.
I hope this helps. I know how you must be struggling with this and it is easier for others to say “what will be will be”, I know. Listen to your heart, and between you and your hubby, you will figure this out. There are a lot of ways to grow your family. And it is always okay to CHANGE YOUR MIND. No decisions are that final, unless of course you go the surgical route!
Hang in there Lisa!
By jaelithe, August 22, 2007 @ 7:32 pm
I was going to write a post very much like this today. Now what will I write?
Having had one child with sensory issues already, I often wonder if I’ll have the strength to be a good mother if I have another child with the same condition, or a worse condition.
The sleep deprivation I suffered when Isaac was a little baby nearly killed me. Literally. My husband worked so much he was never home. For the first three months of his life, my child never slept for more than two hours at a time. There was no one else around to help me with the baby, or the housework. I was hallucinating from exhaustion.
I know it would be better the second time around; we have more money now, and my husband doesn’t have to work as much– he would help me more– I would DEMAND that he help me more.
But, yikes. I still get the chills when I think about those first few months.
But, I want my son to have a brother or sister.
But I want to go back to school to get a graduate degree, and I can’t if we have another baby now.
But, my husband wants to try for a daughter. Etc., etc. . .
I think you’ll be a really good mom no matter what, though, Lisa.
By Momish, August 22, 2007 @ 7:37 pm
I know so many people that struggle with this decision. Since I didn’t even have my daughter until later in life after thinking my chances of ever having a kid were none, I never questioned having another one. I was just grateful I had this one.
Still, my daughter Piper (how funny Michelle!) has two teenage step daughters, so I don’t feel the “guilt” of the only child thing so much. I know I couldn’t image life without my sister, so it would have been an issue with me on some level. But cousins, friends and such easily fill that need. Sometimes siblings don’t up being best friends
However, I don’t really think you need to worry about needing more patience or such. From all I have seen and heard, having one, two or three is more or less the same (except for financially, of course). Each kids will take their toll on you, but each will also fill you right back up. More anxiety, but more love too!
By Andrea, August 22, 2007 @ 7:42 pm
This probably won’t help, but I always knew I wanted two or more. It was never a question to me. When I started feeling the urge again when Gabe was 2 1/2, we put it off for financial reasons. We made some irresponsible decisions and were in the process of making things right with those mistakes. Once we thought they were under control, we started trying for #2 and quickly got pregnant, and now things are very out of control again because of some unforeseen backlash from Mike not getting paid from that sales job for three months. But we already have #2 on the way and it really scares me. I understand your fears, even if my situation and yours differ in the reason for the trepidation. There are legitimate concerns about being available for two kids when one can be so demanding.
I can’t tell you what to do or how it will be. Not only because our #2 isn’t born yet, but because your situation would be different than anyone else’s. All I can say is that for me, it was just a feeling of readiness (and I’ll have to have a chat with that feeling since it led to a pretty scary conundrum for us) and I know that when #2 is born, I’ll cope somehow with the changes much as I did when Gabe was born. It’ll take some getting used to and all I know is I’m willing to give it the ol college try.
By Raquita, August 22, 2007 @ 8:01 pm
Honestly I thought Cammy would be an only until the line turned blue on the stick that told us Gabby was coming.
I figure some decisions are not really in our hands. I find that the fears that ou mentioned are still apparently even now as Gabbys arrival is pending. and I don’t expect that they will wane until i’m knee deep in two kids.
By mommy~dearest, August 22, 2007 @ 8:02 pm
I have a 5 year old who is ASD. I truly wanted more children, but once hw was diagnosed, I thought I would be okay with only one. I thought it would allow me to focus that much more on him, give him the things he needs, and the time to bestow the extra attention that he needs.
Yep- that’s when I got pregnant with #2. A part of me was thrilled, but a part of me was worried. Would my son be accepting of a baby? Would his behavior be an issue?
Well, all of those worries were in vain. My son is the best big brother I could ever have asked for. He loves his little brother completely.
As far as the parenting? Yes- it is difficult. I did not get any help the first time around, but I handled it with a smile. This time, it’s much rougher, and I do have help. My body can’t do in it’s 30’s what it did in it’s 20’s.
But- I think it’s a small price to pay for the bond that siblings can have. I just wish I hadn’t waited so long- I would have preferred a 2 year age gap to a 5 year one.
By Carrisa, August 22, 2007 @ 8:27 pm
This is the kind of post I could see myself writing years down the road. I’ve always seen myself as a mom and wanting kids. But the longer it takes for me to get pregnant, the more I appreciate my freedom. Because I know at any moment it could go away. And I feel so selfish so much of the time I wonder how I could even be a good mom to one kid let alone two or three. Of course in my head I still see me having 3 kids. Oh the frustration!
Michelle commented that the funeral of her friends mother is what made her decide to have another child. I totally hear that. No one wants to think the “what ifs”… but you just never know.
I think about what might happen if I only had one child and then I lost them somehow. How do you go on after that if you have no other children to care for?
But ultimately, you do what’s right for you. And if you only ever have the one child, then that’s ok. And he will be totally loved.
By MammaLoves, August 22, 2007 @ 8:45 pm
I’m sorry I didn’t see this earlier. I’m sorry you’re struggling with all of this.
I agree with the others who say you have to do what feels right for you. That said I feel I need to add just this thought.
One of the first things that struck me upon giving birth to our third (my second biologically) was how different a baby he was from his brother. I couldn’t believe how two children born of the same parents could have such different personalities. Number 3 was not an easy baby. But believe it or not, I would go for four. It won’t happen, but I wouldn’t be sad if it did.
Knowing your own capacity is important and you are so brilliant to even be considering it out loud. Your honesty makes me love you even more–as if that was possible.
I wish I could offer helpful words. Know that I’m here to lean on any time my friend.
By Julie, August 22, 2007 @ 9:09 pm
I can’t answer any of your questions, but I think that the “regret” adage isn’t very fair or, for that matter, very accurate. All I can say is to listen to your gut. If you keep thinking maybe it would be OK to have just one, then maybe that’s the right thing. If you and your hub make the decision not to have more but you still can’t stop thinking about it, then maybe the right thing is to keep going for it.
Usually when I make a decision and it can’t stay made, that’s when I know I probably need to re-make it in the other direction.
By Lori, August 22, 2007 @ 9:59 pm
I’m an only child! Most of the time I’m OK with that, although sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have siblings.
The weird thing is that Brian is also an only. Makes me kinda sad to think that I will never be an official aunt.
You have to do what makes you happy, Lisa. Take it as it comes.
By MamaLee, August 22, 2007 @ 11:39 pm
Bottom line, you do what’s best for you. If you are religious at all, you give it up to God.
When my hubby and I got married, we knew we wanted children. We were already in our 30s, so we got right to things! After 2 devastating losses and docs telling us that we probably wouldn’t be able to have any children, we got a dog. And we started talking about adoption.
And then came 3 blessings, all in a row, all within 3 years. It was hard, wonderful, exhausting and downright scary. And I’d do it all again.
If it’s meant to be, it’ll be. Sometimes the good things in life can be the simpliest. Don’t overthink it. Just enjoy your husband!
By angela, August 23, 2007 @ 12:47 am
I am one of two children in my family, and we have a happy and very fulfilled family. My husband, on the other hand, is one of twelve kids in his family. They also are a very happy and fulfilled family. What I mean to say is that I don’t think size really matters, because your family will be completely perfect either way.
By Christina, August 23, 2007 @ 2:43 am
I remember wondering if I wanted a second child or not. It was a tough decision, possibly tougher than deciding to have children at all. I was an only child, so I had no idea of how I could deal with siblings.
My youngest is 12 weeks old right now, and I’ll be brutally honest: it’s been hell. It’s far harder than I expected, and it seems like there is never enough time to get things done anymore. My oldest is nearly three, and may have sensory integration problems, too, which makes her very hard to deal with. However, it is getting easier, and I’m starting to learn how to function with two kids. (First lesson learned - sometimes you just have to let them cry.)
If you feel the urge to have another, consider that urge strongly. You might regret never having a child - few people regret having a child.
But I’ll also add that I was happy as an only child, and I got to experience some opportunities that I wouldn’t have had the chance to if I had a sibling.
No matter what choice you make, everything will be OK. I adore my new daughter, and after 12 weeks, I can barely remember what life was like without her. Had she never come into our lives, I think we’d still be doing fine, also.
By Crabmommy, August 23, 2007 @ 3:43 am
I agree with Julie that the regret adage doesn’t stick. There’s always a counterpoint to these sayings…though I can’t think of one right now in my late-night post-toddler tantrum fog.
I’m a chick that’s sticking with one. My husband really wants one only and i just needed my arm twisted to arrive at the same conclusion. That said, while finances, age, environmental degradation etc. etc. all factor into my logic, I still feel a little sad about it. I think I’ve made the right call for me but the point is, whatever you decide, the grass is always greener on the other side. There’s no perfect magic number of kids. You can be as glad or sad with all or none of them, in the end.
So following your gut is probably best because arguments can be made pro and con more kids. In the end I think your own personality and state of mind will measure your regret, not the size of your family.
By Mozzy, August 23, 2007 @ 9:41 am
I’m struggling with this now too. And to be honest? My first was a breeze. He’s easy and sweet and funny… My husband keeps saying “they’re all different. We might not get another Tom.” I’m older and had a lot of complications with the pregnancy. I still have about 30 pounds of extra weight too. It’s a tough decision.
By Zookeeper, August 23, 2007 @ 1:03 pm
We never really had a definite number in mind, but we always wanted our kids to have siblings close in age so they could grow up together. Our daughter was born 10 years ago, and that was it for pregnancies. We tried for many years to conceive again, and made the decision to adopt when Miss M was four years old. It was the best decision we have ever made. Big D came home and changed our lives for the better. Miss M had a little brother, and a real baby to love. There were no issues with bonding. That boy was definitely OURS! We had such a wonderful experience with adoption that we did it again…and again. We now have four beautiful children, and I certainly have enough love to go around. And as far as energy and patience goes, I think I got a bit more of each as another child was added to the family. I also felt like it got a little easier each time because of the wisdom and experience I gained with the previous child(ren). Don’t get me wrong, there are days when I feel like a failure because I totally “lost it” with the kids. But I truly believe that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. Good luck, Lisa.
By Pattie, August 23, 2007 @ 1:28 pm
Lisa,
I am sorry you are struggling with this. I have 3 kids, and all of them were aggressively planned for. I had infertility issues and had to take drugs to get pregnant with all of them. It was a decision I never regretted. However, that being said, I found having two kids to be ok for me, and I easily managed. Like you, I have a husband who works long hours, and has a job that requires 100% of him. When I had my third, I had a breakdown of sorts. It was hard. Just going through that awful first two years of her life, that was enough for me. I knew I was done with three, even though I had always thought I would have at least four. You are probably never going to know how you feel for sure….now that you have had one child, and you went through a very bad time, you may be more prepared for what is to come. One thing I can tell you, is each child is so different. So different. Now that mine are older, I look back and despite going through the worst two years of my life after my last child was born, I am thankful for what I have. I know you are, too, even though the bad times. Good luck with whatever you decide. I’m thinking of you
By Liz, August 23, 2007 @ 2:18 pm
Holy crap, Lisa - you’ve got me sniffling into my morning coffee - this is one of the deepest, loveliest postiest, posts I’ve read in a very long time.
The decision to have a child is such a complicated one (or, at least it should be) and writing about your deepest fears and insecurities isn’t any easier.
Lisa, it’s very obvious to me (and perhaps the bazillion other people who’ve shared their thoughts with you, here) that you have a rather large capacity for love in that pretty little heart of yours - theirs plenty of room in there for more.
I don’t believe that there’s a woman out there that does not, or has not, considered whether or not they’ve made the right choice, about having children.
Putting the world’s population aside - some of us are raising little souls for good, and not to be a burden, or waste of oxygen, by the way - no, having four kids is not cheap, easy or quiet on the migraine, either.
But, I’m here to tell you, that I believe there’s a lesson to be learned in the every day and, more often than not, it’s my children who end up teaching ME a thing, or two.
And damnit if I can’t predict the future, either - so, I just try and stay open to any and all possibilities.
Good luck, sweetie!
By mayberry, August 23, 2007 @ 3:48 pm
Here’s one thing: If you have another, you won’t ever spend two hours on a post again!
Kidding…sort of… you know I’ve written about my version of this conundrum before. It’s really thorny and I wish you luck in pruning your way through!
By Amber, August 23, 2007 @ 4:23 pm
We are supposed to have three. I have always known this, even when I was in denial during my daughter’s colicky, miserable months. After my son was born, there was that nagging feeling that I wasn’t done…just the feeling you want to have just after giving birth.
That said, nothing else has given me more confirmation and peace than prayer. In doing it, everything seems clear and new strength is given.
By dana, August 23, 2007 @ 5:01 pm
You and I are in the same boat navigating the same waters. I desperately want another baby, and I knew the time was right until, well, I don’t really know. Dawson is going to be three next month and the first two years of his life, I wasn’t ready to add another baby to the mix.
Now, it’s all I can think about, and it’s discouraging when each month I’m not pregnant yet. My poor husband thinks I’m losing my mind. He’s not as anxious as I am. He’s ready, but he doesn’t lose sleep over it.
I keep thinking it will happen soon, maybe I’m putting too much thought into it. I just don’t know if I’m ready to give up trying.
By Dawn, August 23, 2007 @ 10:20 pm
You know - until Emily was 6 I kept saying “Maybe this year” for another baby.
And then I went to my therapist and had a series of very difficult discussions with her about Why I wanted another baby.
And my answer? So I could do it better with another one. I felt like I had screwed so many things up with Em - that her SI and ADD and everything else was somehow MY FAULT. That if I hadn’t been depressed she would have been an easier baby.
And after I came to understand that wanting another baby so I could prove that I was a good Mom was not enough of a reason to really have another baby. That I needed to simply make peace with being the Mom to the child I have - That being the best Mom I can to Her was most pressing.
And I find that I like her - I enjoy her - much more as she gets older.
Occasionally, I still get the twinge. The desire to feel a baby kicking around in my womb - The raw pleasure of holding your infant - smelling that infant smell. But then I remember that I LIKE that my kid can get herself a partial breakfast without me getting up - or that I can send her into the bakery on her own while I wait in the car. And that I don’t have to wipe a butt everytime she uses the toilet.
I think the question Lisa is Why. Why should you have another? And that, of course, is something only you can decide.
By VirtualSprite, August 24, 2007 @ 1:27 am
I’m not sure I could say anything better than these lovely people have. They’ve written more than I could ever hope to share.
I’ve never planned a pregnancy, so I don’t know what that’s like. I wasn’t supposed to be able to get pregnant in the first place, so the Ubergoober was a gift. Due to medical problems, I can’t have anymore, but I look at my two stepchildren and know that we’re doing just right with the kids we have.
Personally, I think things will just happen and what happens will be for the best, whatever it is. You’ll do better than you think you will no matter what you end up doing.
By mothergoosemouse, August 24, 2007 @ 3:23 am
Hey, I’ve got an IUD I can sell you. Cheap.
In all seriousness, I have to believe that we handle what we are given. That’s probably the most spiritual statement I’ll ever utter, but in my experience, it’s true.
By Nap Queen, August 24, 2007 @ 4:22 pm
I don’t have kids, but that’s because I’m scared to death I can’t handle one. But, I truly believe that if you can handle one, you can handle two. And I think having an older first child helps because you aren’t changing two kids’ diapers all the time. I’m sure what is supposed to happen will happen. I’ll be thinking about ya!
By Nancy, August 25, 2007 @ 1:01 am
J and I pretty much always felt we’d have two — perhaps because I’m one of two, and he’s one of three (but we feel like the logistics of 3 would change life exponentially — new car, more bedrooms, etc.) We were lucky that once we decided, we were able to conceive quickly (with both girls.)
That said, I unexpectedly have baby pangs now that we’ve got our two kids. There wasn’t a plan for another — and there won’t be, because we’ve gotten that taken care of medically — but it doesn’t stop me from wondering what it would be like to have another.
(And some days I shake my head wondering why I’d be insane enough to even consider having one more!)
It’s tough, but I think you have to go with your gut. And if your gut never makes you feel compelled to have another, that’s definitely your answer.
By Dana, August 25, 2007 @ 7:10 am
I think you know you’re finished having kids when you can look at a baby and not yearn for the responsibility that comes with it. There’s feeling sentimental and there’s wanting another baby. I don’t know where I’m at with those two right now. Mostly agree with mothergoosemouse.
You’re a good mama!
By Liz, August 25, 2007 @ 4:45 pm
What a great post. Thanks for sharing it all. I don’t know what you wrote before, but this is pretty well-said.
We’re in the 2nd kid conundrum right now. I can’t pinpoint what it is EXACTLY that is telling me that RIGHT NOW is the time for another baby. I mean, the universe has sent so many messages to the contrary (massive debt, unemployment, soul-crushing COBRA payments, a tiny 2-bedroom apartment, a tiny car, etc…).
But, we’ve pulled the goalie and we’re actively not trying not to get pregnant.
By Chas, August 26, 2007 @ 3:08 am
I know I want more kids…or should I say, I know I want at least one more kid. We weren’t lucky enough to get pregnant the old fashioned way the first time, so I knew that we’d need to started on that road fairly soon. We’ve tried it once and that resulted in a “biochemical” pregnancy, so I guess it wasn’t the right time after all. Sometimes things just don’t work out the way you hope they will, and I guess in the end, if we are blessed w/ another baby, I’ll probably be glad they worked out however it is that they end up.
By Alex Elliot, August 27, 2007 @ 12:44 am
It is such a personal decision and thus a hard one at that. My older son was originally diagnosed with sensory issues although later we were told that he didn’t have it. He was in Early Intervention for a while and I have to admit the idea of going through all that again really stressed me out. I had a miscarriage between my two boys, and I realized then that I felt our family was complete the way it was.
My older son is still quirky, but my younger one, at least for now, is so laid back.
By mamatulip, August 28, 2007 @ 12:20 am
I’ve had this post bookmarked for a time when I could come back and read it, really read it, and that time was just now. I really can relate to what you’re feeling because I am on the fence right now myself. I have always wanted three kids and Dave and I agreed that we’d go for three…and then we had Oliver, who is pretty much a two-for-one combo. We didn’t go through nearly what you went through with Seth, but Oliver was quite a difficult and needy baby and he still is now, as a toddler. While there is a huge part of me that still wants that third baby, there’s also a big part of me that wonders if I could do it, because I’ve had many moments in the last two years when I wondered if I could keep on doing this with the two I have.
So…yeah. I understand your feelings. And thank you for sharing them.
By Ruth Dynamite, August 30, 2007 @ 11:51 am
Wow, Lisa. I had no idea. Only you, ultimately, can answer this for yourself, and ‘you’ll know when you know.’ I held a flicker of “maybe” about a third for a few years, and then I realized I already had everything I wanted. Don’t fret, dearie. Give it time.
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