I just spent two hours on a post. And then erased it.

Sometimes you start writing about the problem. You pour your heart out. And its only when you get to the end of the post that you realize that the real issue? Is in that final, carefully constructed sentence.

I’ve never seen myself as a mother of an only child. I have always assumed I would have at least two or three kiddos. The hubby and I have been trying for more than two years now with no luck. Part of me has felt sad. But part of me has felt “ok” with it. And therein lies the problem.

Seth was a difficult baby. He didn’t sleep much, had alot of ear infections and had colic. Later, he morphed into a difficult toddler. He still didn’t sleep through the night. He didn’t talk. Several times a day, for not discernible reason he would SCREAM into my crotch. Many days I felt emotionally strung out and exhausted by 10 a.m. I was also battling 15-25 migraines a month. I felt like such a crappy mom. And my husband? Was traveling alot and working 60-80 hour work weeks. When he was home, the last thing he wanted to do was deal with a screaming child — especially one that hardly recognized him. It was a very tough few years. And our marriage barely survived.

It wasn’t until after a year of working closely with speech and occupational therapists that I began to really enjoy my son. He has as a Sensory Integration issue. You wouldn’t know it now though, thankfully. But he needs a bit more attention than your average kid. The migraines are better these days but I do know that every few years, my body goes all spastic and I get 15-25 a month for 9-12 months in a row.

And I wonder, could I be pregnant and care for a baby all over again? And this time with an older child? What if the second child has special needs (more so than what Seth had)? Would we be emotionally equipped to be good parents? We could adopt. That’s not out of the question. But the bigger issue is simply… Can we give a second child the energy and patience he or she would need? Can I be the kind of mother another child would need me to be? And would our marriage thrive or crumble as a result?

There’s NOTHING wrong with having one child. I know alot of wonderful only children. But that adage, “You don’t regret the kids you had, you regret the kids you didn’t have” haunts me. 

So the big questions I have for ya’ll are…. How did you know when you were ready for more children? How did you know when you were finished? When you added on to your family, did you think you’d have the patience and energy you’d need? And in having more children, do you now think you have the patience and energy you need? Spill it, lovelies! I am in great need of your wisdom!