*During my freshman year of high school, I wanted very much to be on the school’s softball team. The morning of that first day of practice, I stuffed my mitt and clothes into my locker. But by the end of the day, I’d convinced myself that I’d never make the team. So I didn’t even attend the first practice.

*At 18, I wanted to go to Mizzou to study journalism. But I was too scared I wouldn’t be able to afford out-of-state tuition and living expenses. So I went to a college I wasn’t interested in because it was cheap and close to home.

*During that time, I landed a job where the boss made my life miserable. But instead of leaving, I endured the verbal jabs and soul-sucking games. I was miserable but too frightened to take a risk and change jobs.

*Since high school, I dreamed of becoming a television news reporter. But I knew the competition was fierce. I was too scared I’d be rejected — that I wasn’t talented, intelligent, or attractive enough. So I didn’t even attempt to ask about an internship.

*I’ve even stayed in long-term relationships that weren’t very happy or healthy purely because I was too scared no one else would want me. (I know! How pathetic! But I’m going somewhere with this. Promise!)

After graduating college, I got my first “big girl job”, then broke off an unhappy relationship. I was alone for the first time in four years and so terrified. I was navigating through an unfamiliar city and living in an apartment complex that contained more people than my entire high school. I was working for a company that employed more people than inhabited my hometown. For an insecure girl with a humble, working-class upbringing, the whole experience was overwhelming and scary. It took about a year of me working there to feel comfortable. But once I did, it was exhilarating, fulfilling and very enjoyable.

With that experience under my belt, I took a few more risks. One big risk didn’t pan out so well. And not only did it drain our marriage and finances, but it drained my feelings of confidence and competence.

Overall, I thought I’d left alot of that fear-driven, decision making behind me. But as I look at my life, I realize I’ve deluded myself. The painful, ugly truth is that I’ve been too scared of rejection and failure to seize opportunities. I’ve even censored myself in this blog. I haven’t written about some of the more painful, personal experiences because I worry about who will find what I’ve written. I worry I will shame my parents and siblings. I worry you all will form a negative impression of me. I am fearful of angering someone. But if I’m not “showing” you the real me, then you might as well be reading the words of a complete fraud. And that’s just a waste of everyone’s time, isn’t it? Plus? I’ve cheated myself out of what could have been some really great experiences all because I am a giant wussy who’s scared of almost everything but her own shadow.

I kept hoping that one day I’d awaken with courage and confidence. But I’ve come to realize that’s an absurd idea. The only way I will aquire courage and confidence is if I force myself to take more risks – in blogging and in life. I am 34 years old. I’ve wasted enough time cowering in a corner. Its time to “grow a pair.”

But the biggest motivation behind this is my son. I don’t want him to make the same mistakes I’ve made. I don’t want him to see his mother as a woman steeped in fear. Life is a gift. And a life lived in this sort of fear is a life squandered. It is potential that can never be reached. It is a bloom that will never open.

That’s not the kind of life I want to lead. And though I can’t change the past, I can change the present. There is a wealth of opportunity in this world that’s up for grabs. And instead of shuffling off with my head hung, I’m going to run full steam ahead.

Was the ever a time where you took a big risk and failed? How did you deal with it? Did it affect the way you saw yourself? Basically what did you learn from these experiences? Please share!

P.S. There’s a new show currently broadcasted on several PBS stations called The Zula Patrol. Its a super cute show. To find out why The Zula Patrol goes where no show has gone before, click here. (This is a PBN review.)