(First off? Some background.)

You know how baby experts love to say, “Sing to your baby. Even if you are off key, its ok. Your baby will LOVE the sound of your voice?” Well, when I sang to my baby. He’d cry harder. When he was old enough to speak, he’d scream, “Noooooo, Maaa-eee. Noooooo”. (In fact if the boy is meandering around and I’m running low on patience? All I have to say is, “If you don’t get going, I’m gonna start singing…” And it always makes him pick up his pace.)

In other words, I am a sucky singer. And the last thing I want to do is subject society to me croaking along to “Barbie Girl.” SO without further ado…

 Things I would do before I EVER sing Karaoke

1.) Attend six back-to-back catholic wedding masses without a bathroom break.

2.) Have sex with our creepy mailman.

3.) Package, produce and distribute my own homemade sex tape (with creepy, old mailman).

4.) Give said sex tape as a Christmas gift to my husband, parents, siblings and in-laws.  

5.) Make it my life’s work to convince every person on the planet that Tom Cruise is, indeed, straight.

6.) Become Ann Colture’s presidential campaign manager consequently, spending our life savings trying to get her elected.

7.) Lick my dog’s butt (Oh wait. Let’s rethink that… Nope. I’d lick my dog’s but before I’d sing karaoke or even become Ann Colture’s campaign manager, now that I think about it.)

8.) Pick someone else’s nose.

9.) Swallow the clumps of used chewing tobacco my husband likes to occasionally leave in various cups around the house. (Gag.)

10. Become a proctologist and offer free exams to close relatives.