Mrs. G has inspired a whole mess of us to do a post on our favorite things. Being that in the past two days “the boy” cut holes in three of his shirts, used a scissors to carve several vertical and even more horizontal lines in the kitchen table, then scratched a 12 inch vertical line in our new stainless steel fridge AND rolled his eyes at me as I punished him (then spit on the carpet later on) he’s on a much different list today. Today, Abbeydog, our sweet yet sassy pup is numero uno on my favorite things list. So is her new column. Even if she does question my intelligence from time to time.

hotbitch1.jpg Dear Abbey,

You’re my last hope. for the past seven months my humans have coo’d and swooned over my yellowy deliciousness. They have curled on my sofa with me, fed me delicious things, taken me for outings in the car, showed me off to all their friends. I live in doggy heaven. But all that changed today. They brought a puppy into my kitchen. it licked my bone toy. it stood in my water bowl. they picked is up and snuggled it and marvelled at it’s honeycomb glow. They laughed when it jumped up and bit my lip. It followed me into my garden. It snuffled my guinea pig. My life is over. Please help.

Rose (dog of this blogger)

Dear Rose,

I feel your pain. One day AlphaBitch (I say that with love, people. I love my mom. So I let her be the Alpha bitch.) came home with the UGLIEST little puppy I’d ever seen! It was pink and hairless and screamed alot. (Things only got worse once it could crawl.) It is NOT fun when some other critter steals YOUR spotlight.

I keep waiting for AlphaMale and AlphaBitch to change their minds, but its been FIVE YEARS. So I guess this Seth pup, ain’t leavin’. But the newest critter in the clan can bring some unexpected benefits. Like if you’re in a room with him or her? You can fart then nonchallantly walk away. And when one of your Alphas come into the room, they will blame some other critter.

Also? An extra pup around means more food! And extra treats too!

Hopefully this new pup at your house will learn his/her place — unlike the hairless one at mine!

Dear Abbey,

You are such a wise dog. Please tell me - why does Lisa’s site load so slowly? And what can I do about it?

Thanks!

Heidi

Dear Heidi,

I don’t know anything about computers. But my guess is — between you and me? Alphabitch is… well, not the quickest digger in the pack.

One night, I got bored sitting in her office while she was typing. I went into the very dark hallway and sprawled out to make myself comfortable. When she finished her work, she turned off the office light, walked out and tripped over me. Geez! I mean, really… How could she not see me in the dark? What’s wrong with her night vision?

She’s revamped her site, photos, and has taken certain thingees off of her site in an effort to get things to “load” faster. She may be dumb as a cat but unlike a feline, she’s really sorry for the aggravation.

Dear Abbey,

Is it ok to beat my teen daughters with a newspaper if they yelp too much?

Signed,

Tired of the bitches

Dear Tired,

I see what you’re getting at here. Your an Alpha who’s getting tired of trying to keep the pups in line. This is one of those times where I’m thankful I’m I fixed.

You know what I like to do? I take one of Alpha bitch’s favorite shoes out of the closet. And I bring it downstairs into the middle of the living room for her to see as soon as she gets home. The boot is always unharmed. I wouldn’t call this a, ah, threat, per say. I like to think of it more as friendly message. You keep me cooped up in this house any longer? The boot gets it.

Try that with THEIR shoes. Course if they don’t get the message? You can get them one of those lines and tether them outside. Its best to ensure they have enough slack so that they can sit under a nearby tree for shade. Don’t forget the water.

Or if they “bark” too much and too loudly? There’s always those shock collars…

Are you having trouble keeping track of your pack of critters?  DayRunner’s Family Matters organizational system might be just the thing you’re looking for. Check out this site for a review. Or you can even check Parent Bloggers Network for more opinions and insights.