Dear Abbey
Posted on November 15, 2007
Filed Under abbey, humor |
Mrs. G has inspired a whole mess of us to do a post on our favorite things. Being that in the past two days “the boy” cut holes in three of his shirts, used a scissors to carve several vertical and even more horizontal lines in the kitchen table, then scratched a 12 inch vertical line in our new stainless steel fridge AND rolled his eyes at me as I punished him (then spit on the carpet later on) he’s on a much different list today. Today, Abbeydog, our sweet yet sassy pup is numero uno on my favorite things list. So is her new column. Even if she does question my intelligence from time to time.
Dear Abbey,
You’re my last hope. for the past seven months my humans have coo’d and swooned over my yellowy deliciousness. They have curled on my sofa with me, fed me delicious things, taken me for outings in the car, showed me off to all their friends. I live in doggy heaven. But all that changed today. They brought a puppy into my kitchen. it licked my bone toy. it stood in my water bowl. they picked is up and snuggled it and marvelled at it’s honeycomb glow. They laughed when it jumped up and bit my lip. It followed me into my garden. It snuffled my guinea pig. My life is over. Please help.
Rose (dog of this blogger)
Dear Rose,
I feel your pain. One day AlphaBitch (I say that with love, people. I love my mom. So I let her be the Alpha bitch.) came home with the UGLIEST little puppy I’d ever seen! It was pink and hairless and screamed alot. (Things only got worse once it could crawl.) It is NOT fun when some other critter steals YOUR spotlight.
I keep waiting for AlphaMale and AlphaBitch to change their minds, but its been FIVE YEARS. So I guess this Seth pup, ain’t leavin’. But the newest critter in the clan can bring some unexpected benefits. Like if you’re in a room with him or her? You can fart then nonchallantly walk away. And when one of your Alphas come into the room, they will blame some other critter.
Also? An extra pup around means more food! And extra treats too!
Hopefully this new pup at your house will learn his/her place — unlike the hairless one at mine!
Dear Abbey,
You are such a wise dog. Please tell me - why does Lisa’s site load so slowly? And what can I do about it?
Thanks!
Dear Heidi,
I don’t know anything about computers. But my guess is — between you and me? Alphabitch is… well, not the quickest digger in the pack.
One night, I got bored sitting in her office while she was typing. I went into the very dark hallway and sprawled out to make myself comfortable. When she finished her work, she turned off the office light, walked out and tripped over me. Geez! I mean, really… How could she not see me in the dark? What’s wrong with her night vision?
She’s revamped her site, photos, and has taken certain thingees off of her site in an effort to get things to “load” faster. She may be dumb as a cat but unlike a feline, she’s really sorry for the aggravation.
Dear Abbey,
Is it ok to beat my teen daughters with a newspaper if they yelp too much?
Signed,
Dear Tired,
I see what you’re getting at here. Your an Alpha who’s getting tired of trying to keep the pups in line. This is one of those times where I’m thankful I’m I fixed.
You know what I like to do? I take one of Alpha bitch’s favorite shoes out of the closet. And I bring it downstairs into the middle of the living room for her to see as soon as she gets home. The boot is always unharmed. I wouldn’t call this a, ah, threat, per say. I like to think of it more as friendly message. You keep me cooped up in this house any longer? The boot gets it.
Try that with THEIR shoes. Course if they don’t get the message? You can get them one of those lines and tether them outside. Its best to ensure they have enough slack so that they can sit under a nearby tree for shade. Don’t forget the water.
Or if they “bark” too much and too loudly? There’s always those shock collars…
Are you having trouble keeping track of your pack of critters? DayRunner’s Family Matters organizational system might be just the thing you’re looking for. Check out this site for a review. Or you can even check Parent Bloggers Network for more opinions and insights.
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Dear Abbey,
Your AlphaBitch got an award over at my AlphaBitch’s site. Mine’s eyesight isn’t the greatest either, but she likes what she sees here.
-Poopy Puppy
Oh how I love me some Abbey.
You know, your site loads just fine for me. I haven’t noticed any delay. I am using Firefox, though. Could it be the problem is confined to Explorer?
I also use a thingy called NoScript to keep me computer from accidentally downloading Javascript that I don’t want it to. I have blogrolling.com and widgetserver.com showing up as script sources on your site that I currently have turned off. Could either of those be the source of the slow-load problem?
Dear Abbey-
Do you want 2 siblings (dog-lings?)? We are 6 year old yellow labs and we drive our Alphabitch crazy…
Dear Abbey,
Our alpha-bitch recently went back and read all of your alpha-bitch’s posts from the very beginning and she think yours has changed….she used to cuss a lot more and seemed to be a lot more risque. Does she need to get out and drink more? If so, she knows who to call!!! Also, her migraine issue seems way out of control. Our AB’s Dr. readily acknowledges that sinus issues CAN and do contribute to migraines. A little over a month ago, (After 10 years of other treatments methods) she finally caved and got put on a daily preventative called Topamax. Drop her a line if you want to know more about it. She is much nicer to us now. She pets us, and takes us for walks again. If we weren’t so fat, we might even chase the balls she throws for us.
Take care,
Kaira and Maggie
Dear Abbey,
I thought I looked pretty hot for a 12-year old red-haired beyotch, but apparently not. My owner just made me get an eye lift. I’m not happy about this at all, and frankly, I don’t think I look any younger.
What’s a pooch to do?
Signed,
Adelaide Dynamite
Think my mom would ground me into paste if I called her that.
Does the Family Matters also translate to organizing children?
Shock collars. I’ll keep that in mind when Hailey becomes a teenager.
You are killing me! That is too funny!
I think you’re on to something here! LOL!
Does Abbey get paid per post or per question?
Abbey needs to be published!
Oh. My pup is so going to be pulling the “poot and walk away” trick on the baby.
She already tries it with us, but we know her stank too well.