“Only” ain’t always “lonely”
We returned home last night tired but happy. Our trip to Louisiana to visit the hubby’s maternal and paternal sides of the family was a whirlwind of food, laughter, hugs, and car rides. T’was fun to see people we haven’t seen in years. Plus? Seth and I met some of Marc’s cousins for the first time. (Hi Cindy! Hi Ashley!)
I was going to gush about how great both sides of Marc’s family are. And seriously? They are! But I scraped it because the aforementioned Cindy and Ashley (as well as Marc’s aunt Marsha) gave me something this weekend that’s been sorely needed. And they don’t even realize it.
Cindy is the proud mother of a darling little girl. (She rejoined the ranks of full time working women this past Monday!) Ashley is the proud mom of an adorable little man named James. Ron (Marc’s uncle) and Marsha, (Marc’s aunt), are the proud parents of Carly, who’s finishing up college and looking at law schools. No other children are mentioned because like me, they each have just one child. It was fulfilling to talk to three women who are are varying stages of mothering their only children. More often than not, if I’m with a group of women, I’m the only mom with one child.
Shortly after Seth’s birth, I started getting the “So when are you going to have another child” inquiry. For the first 30 months of his life, when asked, I told people I didn’t know if I’d have another child. I felt so overwhelmed with all of his needs. I often got a quick, “You shouldn’t think that way! You’re going to regret having only one child when he’s grown. Besides, he NEEDS a sibling!”
This made me feel like shit. So when Seth got older and grew more independent, we began trying to conceive another child. This hasn’t worked, obviously.
We’re no longer actively trying or planning to add to our family. (Some of the reasons “why” are unbloggable, sorry.) It isn’t as if we’ve decided that we will absolutely never, ever add to our family. It may happen naturally or through adoption. But it may not. For now? Our little family of three feels complete. Seth may not have siblings, but he has cousins and lots of friends. There is no shortage of love, attention, or fun in his life.
But unfortunately others don’t “feel” the same way. And sometimes they can be rather vocal about it. (Typically these people have been ones who hardly know me or even strangers.) So at times there are comments about how Seth needs a sibling so he doesn’t turn into a spoiled brat. There have even been a few times a talker has hinted at my “selfishness” to stop at one child because, “when you are old, the burden of taking care of you will be on HIM.” Of course there have also been comments that insinuate my stopping at one means I value our disposable income and free time far too much.
Fortunately I don’t get those comments often. But I admit, they do send me into a panic to where I seriously question this decision for weeks. Because like all moms, I want to give my child my everything. I want to do right by him.
So this weekend, while hanging out with Cindy, Marsha, and Ashley, I saw how happy and satisfied they are with being moms to their only children. I witnessed the close bonds each mom shares with her child. I saw how these “only” children are like Seth in that they aren’t “lonely” children at all.
Cindy, Marsha, and Ashley? You helped me to toss aside some of the guilt and worry that’s eaten away at me over the years. If years from now, we become a family of four (or more), we’ll rejoice. But if that doesn’t happen, I know I will still be happy. And Seth will be too.
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By Heidi, November 27, 2007 @ 8:40 am
I’m so glad you had a good Thanksgiving!
Good families come in all sizes - it is silly to presume that one size fits all.
Heidi
By Alissa, November 27, 2007 @ 1:02 pm
Hey, it was my plan to only have one
You totally have to do what’s right for your family. I know plenty of well-adjusted, happy onlies.
By Rebekah, November 27, 2007 @ 2:46 pm
Yea for you! Glad you have found peace about the baby issue. Peace of mind can sometimes be the greates gift
By Farrell, November 27, 2007 @ 4:37 pm
Um, okay. Whoever is making those comments? We need to think of a really good comeback. Because THAT is ridiculous and totally insensitive.
Also, I’m an only child. I (and my parents were gracious enough to oblige) bascially brought my “best friend” with me wherever we went. I also learned to play on my own (esp. because my mom sucked at playing pretend, though she tried!) and that meant I had a really active imagination. I never wanted a sibling. I was glad to send my cousins/friends home:) For me, being an only child just makes me treasure the friendships I DO have that much more because I don’t have that “sibling bond.” It is O.K.! There can be “issues” with anything: only children, oldest children, middle children…I think you need to stop paying attention to what other people may be thinking and/or are rude enough to actually say, and focus more on what YOU want for your son and your family (Advice I give to myself as well!!)
By Christina, November 27, 2007 @ 5:46 pm
I was an only child, and my parents were divorced, so it was just me and my mom. Was I ever lonely? Sometimes. But did I like being an only child? Yes!
I was given opportunities that I wouldn’t have been able to do if I had a sibling. It would have been too expensive if there were two kids. And I liked having my mom’s attention when I needed it.
Looking back, I enjoyed being an only child, and only rarely wished for a sibling. I think there’s nothing wrong with only wanting one child, and you’re not hurting him by refusing him a sibling.
By becky, November 27, 2007 @ 7:14 pm
omg i struggle with this constantly. matt doesn’t want anymore kids. i sorta dont want anymore but every now and then i think i want more. my reasons being that i want hannah to have a sibling and yes i’ve even thought about when we’re old and who will take care of us. but NOTHING bothers me more than when OTHER people judge us for saying we dont want anymore. or saying hannah NEEDS a sibling…that irritates me so much. its no ones business. seth is plenty for yall and thats great.
By VirtualSprite, November 27, 2007 @ 7:22 pm
I’m so glad you found other moms to bond with. We have a 8-year gap between children, and my older two are stepchildren, so we only have them on alternating weeks or weekends. As such, the Ubergoober is largely an only child.
We got the “When are you going to have another? Doesn’t Goober need a sibling to play with? One that’s closer to his age?” At this point, I usually go into why it’s medically impossible for us to have another child (with gory details, because if they’re insensitive enough to as, I’ll be insensitive enough to tell.)
So instead we make every effort to make sure that Goober has friends, goes to places where he can play with other kids his age, and generally just deal. It works. He’s pretty well adjusted. And, like Farrell said, there are issues with any number of kids.
I’m guessing you’re doing all right with one and you’ll do well with two or three, too. Just do what you feel is best. It’ll all work out.
By Ree, November 27, 2007 @ 8:17 pm
Another mom of an Only here. (Athough my husband is dad to 3.)
There’s nothing wrong with being an only child. Or the mother of an only. Or the mother of 6. There’s only personal choice. With an emphasis on the personal.
I used to get those questions, too. From my parents and my siblings. After my sister popped out her 5th in 8 years? Those questions stopped. They suddenly all “got it”
By Lisa, November 27, 2007 @ 11:44 pm
Sounds like an awesome weekend with some great people. Families come in all shapes, colors and ways. You just never know. And people don’t know what the “parent” is going through so they should just STFU and MYOB!
Love ya!
By Rebecca, November 28, 2007 @ 12:22 am
I am an only child; and while I wanted a brother or sister when I was young, I also really enjoyed coming back home to my small family after having played at the houses of my friends who had many siblings. Also, there is nothing I detest more than the ’spoiled brat’ attack on only children. I always respond that I may have been (quote/unquote) spoiled, but I was not a brat. Yes, I received more Christmas and birthday presents; yes, we went on nice vacations; yes, I had my own room. . . but I was not a brat. I was told no; I was appropriately disciplined; I was taught to be considerate of others. If Jeff and I have kids, I would have no problem having only one. I also wouldn’t mind having three. But some things are out of our control. And even if they’re in our control, there is nothing wrong with choosing to have just one child. A good friend of mine had her first son a year ago, and he will be an only child. That was her husband’s and her decision, and nobody else’s. You are a great woman, wife, and mother; in the face of all the haters, repeat this like a mantra.
By flutter, November 28, 2007 @ 12:46 am
It’s all about your own skin, love.
By jaelithe, November 28, 2007 @ 3:47 am
It seems to me like three quarters of the time I am getting rude people asking me when I am having the second one, and going on about how selfish it would be not to provide my son with a sibling, and then one quarter of the time I am getting people telling me it would be incredibly selfish to have a second one because the world is overpopulated.
(I think my frequent exposure to the latter sort of comment has a lot to do with my being in my twenties. A lot of people in my age group are really anti-child sort of people. However, I fully expect most of these people to change their tunes in ten years or so when biological clock alarms start ringing. And then I will laugh.)
I want to tell both groups to stuff it. Seriously, people, stuff it. MYOB.
BTW, as another mother raising a child with sensory issues, HOLY MOLY do I understand why you sometimes have felt too overwhelmed by Seth’s needs to even think about another baby. When I think about how poorly Isaac slept when he was a baby, I start shaking at the very thought of having to go through that type of sleep deprivation again. I have pretty much told my husband that if we DO have another baby and the baby sleeps like that, he is doing nights, because otherwise I will die.
By Carrie, November 28, 2007 @ 4:01 am
It never ceases to amaze me just how “vocal” (& OPINIONATED) people can be regarding other people’s personal decisions. I am so sorry that you’ve had to endure ANY amount of that - and I wish there was a way to make you a special cape that would just let those comments roll off your back. But, we’re human, and it hurts. I know it does.
I am so happy that you found support and encouragement for where your family is right now in the forms of those other wonderful women and their kids.
And just for the record, my Dad was an “only” and he’s perfectly fine. And my cousin also “gave up on another” after a stressful first adoption and then guess what? she conceived (after YEARS of fertility treatments). So you just never know - what you do know is that you’re a great momma, and you know what is right for your family.
By abunslife, November 28, 2007 @ 4:03 am
I’m glad you found some peace this weekend. It’s funny, people are going to give you pressure one way or the other it seems. My SIL (who has 1 child) is relentless about us having a 3rd. They are not having another one, but really want us to for some reason! She kept bringing up that I wasn’t drinking any wine, only water, etc. and that I lied and acted weird the other times I was pregnant. She just didn’t believe that I didn’t feel good and was fighting a migraine. I’m sure I will hear it all again at Christmas. Just like last year.
You know what you can handle and what is best for your family and if a surprise happens, then that will be ok too. Seth will not be a spoiled brat because you have not raised him to be that way, and I know plenty of people who, unfortunately do not have good relationships with their siblings which opens up a whole new can of worms. We all are going to need therapy for one reason or another. 
BTW, Jake wants to know when he can play baseball with “Seft” again.
By Eau'Flynn, November 28, 2007 @ 6:32 am
I’m an only child..didn’t love it growing up, but now I do. I have such a special bond with my parents. ADORE them!
Everyone has to make the best choice for themselves. Having said that, I too struggle with what other people think. Am learning to muddle my way through…
By Mommy off the Record, November 28, 2007 @ 7:01 am
I know more than one person who is an only child and feels incredibly lucky to be an only child so don’t let anyone make you feel bad. Seth has lots of love from you - what more could he need?
By Sarah, November 29, 2007 @ 5:37 pm
I can’t believe that people say some of those things! I know people who have only one child and I cannot even fathom telling them that their decision not to have anymore was the wrong one. I also know people who have eight children or ten children and I wouldn’t ever tell them that they made the wrong decision by continuing to add to their family. At the end of the day, people make those decisions for many reasons, and none of them are the business of anyone else. Until I were THE PERSON who had made THAT DECISION, how could I ever judge them or form an opinion about it?
Seriously, some people, eh? I’m really sorry you have to put up with that, but I’m glad that you have been able to find a community of parents to reassure you that your choice is just fine for your family and those judging people?
Are full of rubbish. And, you know, other unsavory things.
By slackermommy, November 29, 2007 @ 6:33 pm
I’m guilty of asking people if they plan to have more kids. I try not to. I know it’s rude but it I still slip up every now and then. Maybe I just don’t know what else to say. I really don’t know why I’m so curious about other people’s family planning. It’s not that I think everyone should have a bunch of kids because I do. In fact I’m often envious of those who have one or two. Those moms have more time for themselves and are way less stressed than I am. I also worry that I’m spreading myself too thin with my four and that they are not getting all their emotional needs met.
I’m asked a lot also if I plan to have more. People seem to think since I’ve got 4 then I must be the type who can’t stop having babies. What’s one or two more if you already have four?! Most of the time it doesn’t bother me. It really depends on who is asking.
You are a great mom and Seth is a great kid. Tell the naysayers to F off.
By AbsolutelyBananas, November 29, 2007 @ 7:28 pm
Ohh! As a mom on an only I LOVE this post.
By Dana, November 29, 2007 @ 7:56 pm
Good for you! Tell everyone to mind their own damn business. What’s best for YOU and YOUR family is all that matters.
Sorry, I’m cranky. We need to swap “unbloggables” in real time again soon.
By Sabrina, November 30, 2007 @ 7:15 pm
My husband was an only child and I had 2 sisters. My dh said he didn’t really care much being an onlie but I loved having sisters and always playing barbies, etc. with someone. We ended up with 4 kids. From a different point a view, we always have people ask if we’re done yet! lol
By bellevelma, December 1, 2007 @ 4:59 pm
I enjoy hearing positive stories about onlies. My son is an only and even though he is six years old, people continue to ask when we are having another, and when they aren’t asking they are going on and one about how we need to have more. Funny how they never offer any real incentives for us to do so - they don’t offer to raise them, to babysit, potty train them, or pay for college. I’m happy with one. I don’t know why others keep thinking it’s any of their business.
By Kirsten, December 3, 2007 @ 3:44 am
I have several friends in your position. Very happy with their family of three but daily questions about when they’ll start working on the next one. Now that I think about it, I am probably too quick to ask women I don’t know incredibly well when they will have number two. Thanks for the post to remind me that not every woman wants or needs or is able to have a gaggle of kiddos.