Midwestern Mommy

A few months ago, when Seth started singing, “Bow Chicka, Bow Woooowwww.” I laughed out loud.

He has no idea what that means. But he learned it on the bus. (And now every time he does that I think of Jess and her park ranger fetish.)

The other day, he came home with a new one…  At dinner he referred to some other kid on the bus (a 5th grader) as being a “bad-ass mofo.” Stunned, I asked him to repeat what he’d just said. Stoically, he obliged.

He’s five.

I tried not to laugh. It was difficult. He knows what curse words are. He hears me swear like a trucker (when I’m in traffic) quite frequently. But he knows that as a kid, he’s not allowed to say those kind of words. (Ah yes, the “do as I say and not as I do” parenting method.) He also didn’t understand what he was saying were curse words, (as ”badass” and ”mo-fo” aren’t a part of my repertoire) nor does he know what “mo-fo” means.

But I can’t help but wonder… How can the boy learn so much from one 10-minute bus ride, yet struggle so much in a three-hour kindergarten session? Maybe I should hire a 5th grade boy to teach him how to read? You know, one of those “bad ass mofo” ones.

 So… Let’s talk about sex. Or more aptly a book called Sex Detox. A review of the book, on behalf of PBN can be found here.

(This post is dedicated to Marty, who just gave birth to a little boy as well as Julie, who’s pregnant with a little boy.) 

There are certain things about parenting a little boy that you don’t think about when you’ve got one “in the oven” and are lovingly folding little blue onesies in anticipation.

Like how little boy babies smell so sweet. But that scent wears off as they grow. And soon, you find that sweaty little boy smells alot like wet puppy.

Or how a man’s love for the remote control starts as an infant. See this pic? (Click on it to enlarge.)  That’s how we got Seth to roll over. Put the remote control JUST out of his reach. 

You probably already know that little boys LOVE their wieners. And how as toddlers, if they aren’t playing with it, they are showing it off. A bath for a toddler boy just means quality time with the wiener without impediments. Some little boys, (I won’t mention names) even like to sleep with one hand in their pants. My only guess is that they are trying to ensure their beloved body part isn’t stolen by some hapless creature with penis envy in the thick of night.

And of course there’s that time when those little boys are finally potty trained. A novice mom like me rejoiced thinking this would mean less work. But a mom who’s been down this path knows better.  (She might not tell you this but I will.) Little boys have HORRIBLE aim. Actually, alot of MEN have horrible aim. This just means that instead of changing a diaper? You are wiping down walls, the side of the vanity, natches in the trim, the toilet, underneath the bowl, the sides of the toilet, the wastebasket, and the toilet paper holder and the floor. If your child has some serious “water pressure”? You may even be wiping down the sink or mirror. In this case, hardwood floors aren’t really a good idea.  Oy.

But those little boys sure are cute. And cuddly. And loving. Be prepared for the marriage proposals your young Oedipus will make as well as the countless dandelions he will diligently pick for you on a summer day. Be prepared for the way he will rush to your defense if you’re pretending to the “the queen” and his dad is “the bad guy” trying to kidnap you. Sure, he might mention your “biiiiiigggg butt” now and again, but he’ll also say things like “You are the prettiest mommy eber” then kiss your nose. What woman can resist that?

And should your son become interested Star Wars? I’m telling you right now… There’s no such thing as “too many” light sabers.

And wants to let others know (in a brightly colored way) their behavior is quite borish. http://www.glarkware.com/productcart/pc/viewPrd.asp?idcategory=&idproduct=2096

 Also, speaking of links… And stuff… Do your kids love Barney? Well, he’s got a new dvd out. Click HERE for the deets. (The review is written on behalf of Parents Blogger Network.)

Today Whymommy is in surgery to remove the aggressive cancer she discovered last year.  

Years ago when Susan and WonderDaddy married, my mom cut out their wedding announcement then taped it to the fridge for me to see the next time I visited.  (For those who don’t know, WonderDaddy and I grew up in the same small town and were in the same grade school class — a class comprised of 26 kids. So when a former classmate has a baby or gets married, I usually find out through mom.)

I remember stopping by the fridge when I caught a glimpse of a familiar last name. I remember reading the write-up then taking a minute to examine the black and white photo.  While the couple’s picture was small, it was obvious that the love and happiness felt by the two was vast and deep. I remember seeing an enormous amount of pride in WonderDaddy’s eyes and thinking, “she must be an incredible woman to have captured his heart like that!”

I never thought I’d get a chance to get to know this bride with the beautiful smile. But I did, as have many others.  Susan has managed to give so many of us a precious gift while she battles cancer. Time and time again, she’s given us a glimpse into who she is. She’s given us the gift of perspective, wisdom, hope and humor. Time and time again, I think of my old classmate and can understand how he fell so very head-over-heels in love.

Thank you Canape for inspiring me (as well as a bunch of other women) to write about Susan on this day.

“He has a difficult time concentrating.”

“He’s having a hard time completing his schoolwork during class time.”

“He has a hard time remembering and following directions.

I’ve been hearing these sentences alot in the past few months. At first, I assumed it was the newness of kindergarten as well as a change in his routine. When it persisted, I chalked it up to him being the youngest in his class. I thought I’d give him some time to settle down as well as settle in.  We started working on extra projects to reinforce what he was learning in class. We’d work each day in a quiet place, free of distractions. And yet, amongst optimal conditions at home, Seth has had trouble finishing worksheets that should only take 10 minutes to complete.

We also started taking morning walks or playing games like “red light, green light” in hopes he’d burn off some of that extra energy before his afternoon school sessions.

I started buying organic, thinking his lack of focus and constant movement might be due to the plethora of preservatives found in food today.

There have been days he’s done well at school — completing tasks and keeping focused. These good days gave me hope and caused me to wonder if my worrying was for naught.  But at this point, I can no longer deny — even with a “good” day thrown in here and there? I’m still  hearing the same types of sentiments from his teachers. He’s progressing but not nearly as quickly as his classmates, and that’s with extra help provided by the school. I still see alot of the signs at home. Seth is very social. He’s very sweet. He learns quickly — when he really listens. But… he’s struggling. 

It is time to admit that something is “off.” He definitely needs to get tested for learning disabilities. Kids diagnosed with Sensory Integration Dysfunction typically have other issues that surface over time. So I’m not surprised we’re traveling this path of speculation, research, and testing again.

Is it ADHD? Is it an auditory processing issue? Is it something else? Is it a combination of issues? I don’t know. I have some ideas. But I’m not certain.

This period of limbo conjures up many memories. I remember years ago, feeling intimidated by the various channels we’d have to go through in order to get Seth testing and treatment. I remember setting up occupational and speech therapy sessions and asking therapists countless questions on how I could reinforce their efforts. The task seemed daunting. My biggest fear was I’d fail him. But day after day, month after month, this little boy progressed. Within a year’s time he had vastly improved, catching up developmentally to his peers. (In many aspects, he was even well ahead of his peers.) He was a much happier child. I was a much happier (and thankful) mom.

I now know that the unknowns are much scarier than getting a diagnosis. This quest will require more work on Seth’s and my part. There will be more power struggles and expressed frustration. There will be more meetings with the people who can help him as well as more trial and error. But there will be good days too. We may get through it clumsily, but we WILL get through it.

We’ll just have to tackle it the same way we did before — one day at a time.

Today I’m thinking of Wisconsin babes Cheryl, Ree, Dana, and Virtual Sprite. Go Packers!

Apparently some art school student is selling off her school project on Craigslist. Wow. Craigslist really DOES have everything. (To see various pics go HERE.) Here’s the ad write-up. Don’t know if she’s found a buyer.

“For Sale - beautiful pink “vagina couch” that I made in art school and no longer have space for. The couch is large: measures 5′ 3 long, 3′ 3 wide at the middle, and stands 2′ 3 tall (and is heavy like a couch). The pics are from my portfolio and are several years old; as a result, the couch has some scuffmarks and stains around the bottom from being moved, but otherwise is in excellent shape. A professional upholsterer helped me build the couch, so it is also functional and durable as a piece of furniture. The couch must be picked up in Mendocino, a 3-hour drive north of SF. I am asking for $600 and a loving home!”

Wow, that vagina couch would go GREAT in our living room. Now, to find a penis-shaped entertainment center and end tables shaped like testicles! (I would buy it just to make my parents and siblings squirm.) But alas, San Fran is a bit too far… (Maybe Fog City Mommy will buy it? Suebob, are you a few hour’s drive away? What about you? heehee.)

I can’t wait to hear what everyone has to say on this! No pressure er nothin’.

Need some advice? Abbeydog answers all sorts of questions posted by a myriad of mammals.  So if you (or the critters within your household) have a question, ask away in the comment section.

Dear Abbey,

How do I find a stylist that’s right for me?

– N in FL 

Dear N,

This is a tough question indeed. I always say a good stylist is worth their weight in bacon. When I leave the PetCo salon, I am shiny, sassy and ready to take over everyone’s back yard. A good stylist should have some experience caring for your hair type. She should also be able to take your lifestyle into account as well as examine your scalp and make product recommendations.  She should definitely provide a free bandanna afterwards. Nothing makes me feel more prancy than wearing an adorable bandanna.

Love and cold puppy noses — Abbey

Dear Abbey,

My husband and I have decided we don’t want any more children. A vasectomy has just been scheduled. Do you think this is a good idea?

– N in New Jersey 

Dear N,

You know what they say, if you don’t want any more baby critters running around (whether they are of the two or four-legged variety) it is always a good idea to get your “pet” fixed. Plus, according to certain websites, neutering males makes them more affectionate companions. They are less likely to roam, get into fights, or run away with that slutty bitch (who ALWAYS seems to be in heat) a few doors down. But the downside? He may gain some weight afterwards. In that case, you may have to change how often you feed him.

Love and cold puppy noses — Abbey

Dear Abbey,

My teen loves to blast that god-awful rock music. It is horrid. What do you suggest?

–A, Michigan

Dear A,

 I feel you on that one. Some of that stuff is just painful to listen to — especially for those of us with finely-tuned hearing. Have you ever heard that adage, “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em?” The next time you hear all of that loud noise? Start howling along. The louder, the better. And if your beta pup has friends over? Sit outside his door and howl. He might yell at you but don’t be deterred. (But if he throws an old shoe at you, you have every right to leave a nice, steaming present outside his door, if ya know what I’m saying.)  Eventually, he WILL “get” the message.

Love and cold puppy noses — Abbey

Last night a bunch of us girls went to the Alton Belle to see these guys.

How was the night? Let’s put it this way… None of us have to worry about taking calcium supplements for awhile — in a few short hours, we got enough CHEESE to last us at least twelve months.

Being that I despise casinos and these sorts of shows, I wasn’t originally going to go. But at the last minute I realized that this sort of opportunity makes for blogging gold people, GOLD!

The highlights:The nine chicks I was with were alot of fun and feeling pretty sassy.  If you happened to be at the show? I was with the rowdy wimmins who kept chanting, “Take off your pants! Take off your pants!”

Note to the Chippendales:We paid $21 a ticket. Less crappy dancing! Less singing from that one guy who thinks he can sing! And less lip-syncing. MORE TROU DROPPING. There was one time you all actually dropped your drawers. And then you turned around so we could only see your (covered) butts. TURN AROUND NEXT TIME. The women are there to see what kind of heat you’re all packing. Why do you think there were a bunch of chicks shouting, “take off your pants!” 

Second note to Chippendales:You’ve underestimate us women. It is totally fine to not be 6 feet tall. Wearing Tom Cruise shoes (the kind with soles that are at least three inches thick) doesn’t make you look taller. It makes you look like a dweeb. Plus, we are women. Who told you we wouldn’t notice your stupid shoes?

So funny, yet incredibly gross moment: Watching these guys stick their faces in womens’ crotches. And they didn’t discriminate. They were even seen on the balcony level sticking their faces in the crotches of women far, far beyond the age of 65.

What I learned: Even women far, far beyond the age of 65 like having the face of an oily beau-hunk up against their crotch.

What I also learned: Apparently to these guys? A dollar’s a dollar, no matter WHO it comes from. Ick.

New business idea of the night: While a few of us were waiting in line for beers, two of the girls in our group got to talking. If they owned a bar, what would it be called? “The Fun Hole” of course.

To sum up the evening? Mixing booze with oily “cheese” should be tried once. But odds are, you probably won’t want to repeat the experience. But if you find yourself in such a situation, grin and bear it, then blog about it!

 (Click on the pic to enlarge)

While I celebrated Seth’s first day back at school by putting away Christmas decorations and reading blogs the boy’s brain was hard at work. Apparently his brain got NO “exercise” while on Christmas vacation and that first day back was a rough one. The little man fell asleep in a shopping cart at the grocery store. (He used my purse as a pillow.)

 I would have gladly forgone the trip but we were out of a whole slew of stuff. So I just got the essentials and tried to stack them around him. Hey, at least I tried to keep any corners away from his face.

(Note: This is what your grocery cart looks like when you have a husband who travels alot and only one child. Frozen din-dins for everyone! Oh and eggs and brownie mix too.)

(Now I can’t get that Aerosmith song out of my head. I’m BACK! I’m BACK! I’m BACK in the saddle agggaaaaiinnn.)

The holidays were great. We kept busy with playdates, family get-togethers and even a trip to Miami for new year’s. But that child has energy. Let’s put it this way — picture six monkeys on meth. Pour that energy into one child.

 Is it so wrong that I can not wait for this child to go back to school? Is it so wrong that I’m fantasizing about making a few pitchers of margaritas and throwing a “the kids are back at school” party with the other moms in the ‘hood? I’m pretty sure at least a few are up for it.

How did you lovelies cope? When do you expect to regain your sanity?

Pssst! Want to “boost your metabolism, shrink your appetite and kick-start remarkable weight loss”? Click HERE to find out if the promises The Ultimate Tea Diet makes can deliver. (The review was written for Parent Bloggers Network.)