Word to da motha
(This post is dedicated to Marty, who just gave birth to a little boy as well as Julie, who’s pregnant with a little boy.)
There are certain things about parenting a little boy that you don’t think about when you’ve got one “in the oven” and are lovingly folding little blue onesies in anticipation.
Like how little boy babies smell so sweet. But that scent wears off as they grow. And soon, you find that sweaty little boy smells alot like wet puppy.
Or how a man’s love for the remote control starts as an infant. See this pic? (Click on it to enlarge.) That’s how we got Seth to roll over. Put the remote control JUST out of his reach.
You probably already know that little boys LOVE their wieners. And how as toddlers, if they aren’t playing with it, they are showing it off. A bath for a toddler boy just means quality time with the wiener without impediments. Some little boys, (I won’t mention names) even like to sleep with one hand in their pants. My only guess is that they are trying to ensure their beloved body part isn’t stolen by some hapless creature with penis envy in the thick of night.
And of course there’s that time when those little boys are finally potty trained. A novice mom like me rejoiced thinking this would mean less work. But a mom who’s been down this path knows better. (She might not tell you this but I will.) Little boys have HORRIBLE aim. Actually, alot of MEN have horrible aim. This just means that instead of changing a diaper? You are wiping down walls, the side of the vanity, natches in the trim, the toilet, underneath the bowl, the sides of the toilet, the wastebasket, and the toilet paper holder and the floor. If your child has some serious “water pressure”? You may even be wiping down the sink or mirror. In this case, hardwood floors aren’t really a good idea. Oy.
But those little boys sure are cute. And cuddly. And loving. Be prepared for the marriage proposals your young Oedipus will make as well as the countless dandelions he will diligently pick for you on a summer day. Be prepared for the way he will rush to your defense if you’re pretending to the “the queen” and his dad is “the bad guy” trying to kidnap you. Sure, he might mention your “biiiiiigggg butt” now and again, but he’ll also say things like “You are the prettiest mommy eber” then kiss your nose. What woman can resist that?
And should your son become interested Star Wars? I’m telling you right now… There’s no such thing as “too many” light sabers.
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By flutter, January 28, 2008 @ 6:51 am
I love this. It made my ovaries hurt.
By Alissa, January 28, 2008 @ 1:04 pm
Well, the hardwood in the bathroom is better than carpet
Not as good as linoleum, of course, but at least it doesn’t soak in. I grew up in a house with a carpeted bathroom and 2 little brothers, and let me tell you…ewwww. When the youngest was about 4 my parents finally replaced that carpet with linoleum and when they pulled it up…ewwww.
I LOVE this post.
By NotAMeanGirl, January 28, 2008 @ 2:39 pm
OMG… THE LIGHT SABERS!!! sigh… wait.. just wait till he discovers Lego Star Wars video games. Oh. My. Hell. So sick of hearing them… and about them… and seeing it re-enacted… and… sigh. Boys.
By Nap Warden, January 28, 2008 @ 3:47 pm
Thanks for letting me know what I am in for…The Little Man is well on his way!
By jaelithe, January 28, 2008 @ 3:58 pm
So true!
My boy had already figured out how to turn on the TV and change it to Channel 9 (PBS here, for the non-Midwestern folk passing by) before he could dress himself or even turn on a faucet.
And witnessing how early the obsession with the penis begins has given me deep new insight into the adult male psyche. Heh.
But it’s amazing too how quickly they become their mothers’ little knights in shining armor. Like how my son, who is THREE, will hold open a door for me and say, “Mommy first.” And yesterday when I was getting teary-eyed with frustration over some silly thing I was having trouble with in the context of our week-long bathroom remodel, he said, “Mommy, don’t worry! I will take care of you!” and he brought me a tissue.
By Michelle DePew, January 28, 2008 @ 7:43 pm
Too cute and accurate!
By ~JJ!, January 28, 2008 @ 8:28 pm
And I thought my daughter was tough….
By krissy, January 28, 2008 @ 9:25 pm
Hey there…..
I’m a Midwestern mom too! Because of the harsh winters we are having here in S.Dakota…..I am considering becoming a Florida mom!!!
I think your blog is pretty funny and I understand what you mean about the man and his remote. My hubbys will be surgically removed next month!!!
By Amber, January 28, 2008 @ 9:32 pm
Gee. I am in the midst of potty training hell with my GIRL. This post just makes me soooo excited when it’s boy time….
By Julie, January 28, 2008 @ 11:53 pm
This is hilarious because our friends recently got their little boy to start crawling by putting the remote control JUST out of his reach. It worked!
By Ree, January 30, 2008 @ 1:54 am
Yep. Even when they’re 16, driving, and the stank is 16 times as bad.
By Zookeeper, January 30, 2008 @ 5:09 pm
So true, so true. And, unfortunately, I DO have hardwood floors in my bathroom. Yuck!!
By Lisa, January 30, 2008 @ 9:38 pm
you forgot love notes! I get lots of ‘em!!
By Liz, January 30, 2008 @ 9:53 pm
Okay - I understand, having a boy and all - but, what if I told you that my daughter’s aim is much, much worse…all 3 of them!?!?
Grout is a BITCH to clean!
By becky, January 31, 2008 @ 3:22 pm
lol i’ve heard about boys and their aim. all i have is hannah and so there is never any pee issues and shockingly enough, matt is a pretty good aimer! AND he puts the seat down!
By Anne, January 31, 2008 @ 5:30 pm
I don’t have a boy but I have lots of nephews and have heard the stories. My husband says that men are just dogs in clothes, so you’ll just have to do your best.
Extremely funny post.
By Minnesota Matron, February 1, 2008 @ 2:48 pm
Sooo true. Just wait, sister Midwesterner. You haven’t seen anything yet. My eleven-year old just (genuinely happened just this moment) informed me that he saved the world’s largest poop over (his) for me to “admire.” Showers? They may kill him as hygiene is tool his mother uses for torture. When I was pregnant with him, I cried when I found out I was having a boy and now I know why. Okay - -yes, he’s wild and amazing and I wouldn’t have any other oldest kid but this guy but he is indeed, all guy.
By nan, February 1, 2008 @ 9:55 pm
This just cracked me up! Hi, I just hopped over from Wacky Mommy. I have boys, and a couple of months ago I did a toilet-cleaning tutorial for them. “THIS! Is a toilet brush! HERE’S how you open the childproof cap on the harpic! THIS is cool spray stuff for killing germs! Use THIS for wiping up!”
They said “why won’t you clean it for us?” and I told them that I? Do not pee on the floor! After some practice, all three boys have become really good at toilet cleaning, AND they are more mindful of their sprays! They go in there and spray cleaner about with full battle sound effects, “DIE, GERMS, DIE! KACHOW!” and it is good.
By Anne, February 6, 2008 @ 1:48 pm
Die Germs, Die! Now that’s the right approach. Everybody gets to have fun and you don’t have to clean up!