What kind of a moron goes to Walgreen’s to get cough syrup for herself, sees a big-ass box of Russell Stover’s chocolates, spends 10 minutes staring at the box trying not to buy it, then breaks down, buys it, gets home and realizes, “D’oh, forgot the cough syrup”. This moron ends up eating the entire box in three days, feels all bloated, gross and promises herself that she won’t ever do that again. (Ok. She won’t EVER do that again until Easter.)

And then? A week later? She goes to Walgreen’s again for cough syrup. Again, this moron stops at the candy aisle — the siren song of the Russell Stover’s candies impossible to resist. She stares for another 10 damn minutes. She buys the same big-ass box she bought last time. She goes home, starts eating and realizes, ”D’oh, forgot the cough syrup”. AGAIN! (cough, cough)

050207_230400.jpgThis would be that moron.* If you see her wandering around your neighborhood, DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT. She may seem normal enough but DO NOT let her in your house if you are harboring any sort of chocolate candies (or cosmopolitans). She’s had PMS for two weeks now. Her will power ain’t that great. Fortunately for you, she’s not dangerous. And she’s not real bright. She is easily distracted. If you find her in your home, mention that your family is still highly contagious after a violent bout with a stomach bug. Or ask if she could babysit your six kids for a minimum of 12 hours tomorrow. You’d be dropping off your kids at 5.a.m. She will most likely run out of your house so fast, you’ll just see a blur** of blond hair*** and track pants.

*Last summer, this moron took 25 pics of herself before she got a pic that made her big nose not seem so ginormous. This was that ”lucky shot.” She usually looks sort of scruffy and homeless. 

**Ok. It won’t really be a blur because she’s a slow runner.

***Partially blond. The woman REALLY needs to make an appointment to fix the old highlights.