Because I’m a mean, ugly bitch.
My heart is so heavy these days.
I have a difficult enough time sleeping. But when I travel its far worse. I’m really weird about noise, pillows, texture of blankets, mattresses and a few other things. Usually I don’t manage more than an hour or two a night when on the road. After awhile the stress of being in a new place and no sleep wear on me. My routine is disrupted, I don’t get any time to myself, and I get really edgy and bitchy. I usually end up with at least one migraine during a trip and several after the trip. (Ask poor Kristie. She was my BlogHer roommate.)
Before the trip I was completely stressed. Things only got worse while on the trip. I took on some projects I thought I could finish while on the trip. I vastly overestimated the time I MIGHT have to get these projects done. I barely slept and had a super nasty migraine over the course of the trip. Honestly, I was ready to go home 12 hours after I got there. And no offense to Texas. Ya’ll have great weather but I seem to get this way anywhere I go these days.
During our last day in Texas, my cell phone died in the middle of a conversation with Marc. Our flight got cancelled. I got angry. Because he was trying to make back up arrangements, he was late in picking us up (he dropped us off at a movie while he went to a meeting). And I when my son asked why daddy wasn’t there yet (we’d be waiting almost three hours.) I had no idea and I assumed the worst. I said something very mean and unfair about Marc which Seth repeated within minutes of seeing Marc.
To make matters worse, I felt betrayed by my son for saying this to Marc. I know! He’s five. How stupid. I had no right to badmouth my husband in front of my son, let alone feel hurt by what Seth repeated to his father. The next day I made my son feel guilty for relaying my comment to Marc.
Oh and did I mention that at one point while in the car with Seth and Marc (we ended up driving home. Yes! At least 11 hours in a car — all of those miles covered in about 20 hours.) Seth was talking and I yelled at him to “Shut up.”
God, I can be so ugly and mean. And I’m so horrified and ashamed. I hadn’t packed enough meds for an extra day so that meant no sleep and a raging migraine. I hurt so bad I seriously thought I should go to the hospital. Most of my energy was directed at not throwing up. Turns out I have a nasty sinus infection now which was probably a reason as to why I was feeling so crappy before as well as during the trip.
My husband is really angry and disgusted with me. I patched things up with Seth but my marriage seems as if it might not recover from this. There have been other fights through the years and I think we are both so tired of fighting. I don’t know how to fix this. I fear its a permanent rift between us. And that really scares and saddens me.
My migraines, sinus issues, and insomnia don’t help. Because there are times, after a good week or so of not sleeping and feeling almost constant pain, I start to feel like a raw, exposed nerve. I seriously start to wonder if I’m on the cusps if I’m losing my mind. I start feeling shakey and sick and weak. My husband doesn’t understand what it is like to live with constant pain. (But I can see how it would suck to live with me.) I start to get depressed. I’ve tried all sorts of medications to help. So far what I’m on now has been the best way to stave off migraines but even the meds are no match for all of the triggers that can set off a migraine. (It is better now. But I still get weeks where I’ll have 4-6 migraines in one week.)
But insomnia, sinus issues, and migraines aside, I feel so ashamed of my behavior to the two men I love dearly. When I apologized to Seth again today he said, “Don’t worry mom. You were just having a few bad days.” I feel like I don’t deserve his love. Even now, the whole thing just reduces me to tears. And I’m working on taking some steps that will hopefully prove to be constructive. I feel like I’ve sunk to an all time low. I didn’t control my frustration and got irrationally angry. And I took it out on two people I love the most.
So I’m sorry about not visiting. I’m sorry this is so heavy and depressing. I’m sorry I can be so toxic. Trolls, or anyone for that matter, if you want to tell me what a horrible bitch I am, you are more than welcomed to. Because I deserve it. I did act like a totally selfish, horrible, ugly, hateful person. And I’m so horrified. But I just wanted to let you guys know why I haven’t been around. I felt like I owed ya’ll an explanation.
Oh and I wrote a review for Building Bobland Bay for Parent Bloggers Network. If you are interested click HERE.
By Farrell, March 21, 2008 @ 12:05 pm
OH honey. You are NOT a mean, ugly bitch. You were in pain, exhausted, travelling…we all lose our temper once in a while. Your guilt is enough punishment for yourself. We still love you! *hugs* and more *hugs*
By Linlee, March 21, 2008 @ 1:18 pm
Sending you a big old hug and a chocolate cake…ha ha. You are a wonderful person. Everyone makes mistakes. Please don’t beat yourself up. Love you! Call me if you need to talk.
By Jessica @ A Bushel and a Peck, March 21, 2008 @ 2:01 pm
Beating yourself up over a mistake does not make it better. Don’t, DON’T, convince yourself that you are inherently bad because of how you acted on one particular occasion. Just make every effort not to do it again. I’m sorry things seem desperate, and I know I don’t really know you, but it seems like you need to reach out for help somewhere–sometimes these things are too big to handle on our own.
Good luck–and don’t give up
By Ree, March 21, 2008 @ 3:00 pm
{{hugs}}
No words except I’m so sorry for what you’re going through.
By MammaLoves, March 21, 2008 @ 3:04 pm
What you don’t deserve is the pain.
You are not a horrible person. You are suffering.
How can we make it better?
I’m here.
By Oh, The Joys, March 21, 2008 @ 3:57 pm
I don’t have any right words, friend. I want you to know that I read this and I’m thinking of you… rooting for you.
xo,
Jessica
By Julie, March 21, 2008 @ 4:30 pm
Cut yourself some slack. Your son is right. And as for all of this “I don’t deserve his love” stuff, well that’s total crap. Of course you deserve his love. Whoever has led you to believe that you don’t is the one who’s not deserving.
I do hope you start feeling better soon. I can’t imagine what it is like to live in constant pain.
By Danielle, March 21, 2008 @ 4:55 pm
Hang in there.
We all act like bitches sometimes. I am so grateful when the bitches around me are able to recognize it, verbalize it, and apologize for it. Honesty is a huge step.
‘Acting’ like a bitch and ‘being’ a bitch are different things. If you can recognize what you don’t like, you may be better able to change it…
Hang in there.
By FunnyGal KAT, March 21, 2008 @ 5:03 pm
Hey, just like we’re all here to help you celebrate the good times, we’re here to support you in the bad times. Of course you feel bad about what’s happened, but that doesn’t give anyone else the right to pile it on, so I hope no trolls see this as their chance to attack.
I agree with Seth that you had a couple of bad days and I can tell from your post that you’re doing the best you can, despite a lot of tough stuff going on. Really, that’s all anyone can ask.
I hope you find peace from everything that’s bugging you right now. I’m thinking of you and your family (and try not to be too hard on yourself!)
By Jill, March 21, 2008 @ 6:06 pm
I’m with all the others….don’t be too hard on yourself. We all have our moments. Marriages all have their moments. I hope things get better for you and hope you can find some relief from the migraines.
By snowberrylane, March 21, 2008 @ 6:08 pm
I hope things get better for you. We’ve all said things we’ve wished we could take back, and no one is perfect. Keep your chin up.
By cagey, March 21, 2008 @ 9:09 pm
There is something to be said for giving a heartfelt apology. You showed your son that a person can make mistakes, but can also apologize for them. That is an important lesson, as opposed to putting a perfect front for him all of the time.
Try to be kinder to yourself. You are not a bad person.
By amanda, March 21, 2008 @ 10:00 pm
Oh, you. So sorry. We are not defined by isolated moments. If you can move past this, I am sure those who love you will too.
Warm and understanding thoughts!
By nap warden, March 21, 2008 @ 10:21 pm
Try not to be so hard on yourself. I can’t offer advice, I can only offer support and hope that you can find some peace and sleep:)
By Alissa, March 22, 2008 @ 12:42 am
I am so sorry you had such a rough time. I have done the same and spoken the same to my boys, so please know you’re not alone. I think these children are born with the “unconditional love” gene specifically so that they still love us even when we’re mean. And husbands, well, that’s just something that’s gonna have to be dealt with one way or another. I hope it’s something that you guys can work out.
What can I do? How can I help? Tell me and I’ll do it.
By Suebob, March 22, 2008 @ 2:38 am
If any trolls come around, I will kick their warty butts, and you know that I am qualified to do it.
I am so sorry about the migraines. Have you thought about acupuncture? It might be worth a try.
By mayberry, March 22, 2008 @ 3:14 am
Look how well you raised that boy — he is very wise. You are not mean, heartless, or bitchy; you are going through a lot of physical and emotional pain. You’d have to be a robot to keep it from ever spilling out once in awhile.
Lots of love and I hope you feel better soon.
By Sandra, March 22, 2008 @ 5:16 am
You are not an ugly, horrible, hateful person. You are just the opposite or all this wouldn’t be weighing so heavy on your heart. You are human. Human in physical pain. But I understand what you have described first hand … when you are in so much pain that you snap and say something you wish you hadn’t. And I understand the marriage stuff too. I am hoping this is just a rotten week and the sun will shine brighter for you soon. Hang in there. Big hugs my friend xox
By Dana, March 22, 2008 @ 5:31 am
We ALL have our bad days. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar. Anyone who slams you for it is a hypocrite. You aren’t feeling well - I get bad migraines every spring due to allergies and they can’t always be prevented and/or treated so I know a little bit of that hell. And you were in a car. For ELEVEN hours! Plus, we’re women! Our hormones are in a constant state of fluctuation. You need to cut yourself some slack - don’t punish yourself with fantasy ideals of mommy perfection. It’s great that Seth understands that sometimes moms have it hard and that things can be made right in the end. It’s a great life lesson, really and you are not a villain.
If you ever need to talk, I’m here.
By mothergoosemouse, March 22, 2008 @ 2:42 pm
I think I’ve had those exact same conversations with Tacy that you had with Seth, and fairly recently too. It still hurts my heart to think about it, being unfair to a child because *I’m* not feeling good.
I hope all three of you feel better soon. I wish it were as easy as that.
By Lisa, March 22, 2008 @ 11:35 pm
oh lis! I am sorry things suck right now. Sending good thoughts your way.
By jaelithe, March 23, 2008 @ 5:54 am
I yelled at my husband today, in public, at a restaurant, because he asked me three times if I wanted to order asparagus soup, after I’d already said I didn’t want it. Why was he asking? Because he knows I love asparagus, but since he hates asparagus, we never have it in the house. So he thought I would really like to eat some while we were out. He was being nice, really. But I yelled at him anyway because the fact that he didn’t listen to me the first time annoyed the heck out of me. Because I’ve been terribly sick for a week and since our son has also been sick, and waking up coughing at night, I’ve been getting almost no sleep.
I am pretty sure every wife gets irrationally angry sometimes.
I DO know what it’s like to live with chronic pain– I’ve had to in the past– and it sounds like your situation is much more disabling than mine was. I really hope you can find the right combination of medial therapies and medicine for those migraines soon.
By Heather, March 24, 2008 @ 12:05 am
I feel terrible that I haven’t been around for you! I feel like I’ve abandoned you lately and here you are needing friends more now than ever.
It’s not your fault. It’s hormones and stress.
I’m sending tons of prayers and good thoughts your way. I hope you’ll all find peace and patience in the days to come and that everything works itself out. I hate to see you and your family hurting like this and I wish I was close enough to give you a hug and tell you everything will be fine. I wish I could call you and give you an ear to bend.
Seth is such a sweet kid and he gets it from the two of you. Give him a big hug from his “Aunt” Heather and tell him to give you one from me, too.
Love you kiddo. Get some rest.
By Rebecca, March 24, 2008 @ 2:59 am
Oh, Lisa, I know there aren’t enough words or hugs from us to heal your heart; you need to grant that to yourself. Because you do deserve that; you have earned that. I’ve migraines myself, and one lasted for two weeks; when I read of your pain, I cannot imagine living those two weeks, consistently, while trying to manage a household and raise your son. That you manage to do it all, under those circumstances, is amazing. That you manage to do it as well as you have, and you continue to do, is inspiring.
You’ve taught Seth a valuable lesson in how to apologize for mistakes made. His response to you shows just how well you are doing raising a thoughtful, considerate, forgiving, and loving man .
My heart always breaks for you when I read these posts and I hear your pain with your marriage. It is a pain that I know well, that I too have experienced, although from a different perspective. You have all of my love, support, friendship, and understanding.
At the very least, please treat yourself kindly.
By Amber, March 24, 2008 @ 3:16 am
Sweetie,
You are ANYTHING but toxic. You are a ray of sunshine who, like your son wisely said, is going through rough times. We all do. Couple in migraines and everything else and it is no wonder you feel like a wreck.
Trust me, I grew up with parents who fought a whole lot. Though you may feel badly and have had your differences with your hubby, they will be worked through. You have two men who love you deeply and just want your happiness.
As do we all!
By AbsolutelyBananas, March 24, 2008 @ 4:50 am
I’m so sorry you’re going through a rough time right now. We’ve all been there and it sucks. But you’ll pull through, really. Hang in there!!!
By slackermommy, March 24, 2008 @ 1:42 pm
Oh girl you are being way too hard on yourself. You can’t help that you have sinus and migraine issues. (And I loved being your roomie and would do it again and again.) At least you have a medical excuse. I’m bitchy a lot for no other reason than that’s just how I am. But you know what? I don’t apologize for it. I apologize if I yell or say something I shouldn’t but I am human and if the people I love can’t see past my irritability and continue to love the good parts of me then they don’t deserve my love. No one is perfect and we all have our faults and deserve the same kind of tolerance that we show others. You have tolerated a lot from Marc and the fact that he would let your comment that you said to Seth out of frustration (and later apologized for) be a breaking point saddens me. It seems he’s looking for an excuse. Being “disgusted” with you seems a bit extreme for this situation and I know you pretty well. You are such a kind and caring person. You tend to put other’s needs before your own. I know that your “ugly and disgusting” behavior is not you but your lack of sleep and a weekend of pain taking a toll on you. It would anyone. Most people get irritable when they don’t feel well and it saddens me that Marc is being so hard on you. But I also think he knows he can come down on you and convince you that everything is your fault and you end up depressed and feeling bad about yourself. Shame on him.
I worry about you and how often you have migraines. There just seems to be more that can help you. Have you tried a chiropractor? Even biofeedback with a therapist is worth a try and you can talk about your marital woes while you are there. Marriage counseling would also be a good next stop. Even though I think Marc is out of line on this one I do believe than in a marriage each person has their 50% in a breakdown of a marriage. Counseling can save a marriage. It did mine although we should be going in for a check up every now and then.
I’ve hijacked your comments so let’s just talk later. Hang in there. You are so far from ugly and disgusting. You have no idea how wonderful you really are.
By Susan, March 24, 2008 @ 4:05 pm
I hope you can see by now that you aren’t a bitch. You’ve had some rough, painful days. Day after day of that is bound to get to a person. The fact that you recognized that you didn’t act very nice is proof that you aren’t a bitch. A true bitch wouldn’t care how her words/actions/behavior affects those around her. I hope that your husband will come to realize that if your sweet little man has the ability to forgive you, he should to. (((HUGS)))
By Andrea, March 24, 2008 @ 4:47 pm
“I did act like a totally selfish, horrible, ugly, hateful person. And I’m so horrified.”
I think a truly selfish, horrible, ugly, hateful person wouldn’t feel horrified at their behavior. You’re a human being, and anyone would feel raw and exposed after having the kind of week you described.
I hope things work out between you and Mark. If there were a way to get him to understand your painful days, kind of like those demonstrations in high schools where they have kids dress in all black to represent victims of DUIs to illustrate in a visual manner the sheer numbers that DUIs can affect, maybe he’d catch on to what you feel like, a little bit. I wish I could think of a meaningful way to pull off such an experiment, but I’m drawing a blank. Anyway, I do get it. I snapped at my men this weekend a little bit as well because I’ve had an ear problem for the last week and cannot hear out of my right ear, and the pain involved in it is taking over my entire head.
You’re not a horrible person. You love them, and they know it.
By Carrie, March 27, 2008 @ 10:41 pm
You are soooo not alone. We all have to have those bad days once in awhile, so that we can recognize the truly exceptional ones when they come our way.
And you apologized to those that matter, that is important and a most admirable thing to do. Kids need to know that their parents are human, vulnerable to bad days and headaches, just like anyone else.
By Linda, March 28, 2008 @ 12:38 pm
I’ve been lurking but have been thinking of you since your 3/17 post. Life and marriage sure have their peaks and valleys, and I hope things begin to look up for you and your family soon.
Hang in there and be gentle with yourself. You deserve that!
By Kathy, March 30, 2008 @ 8:07 pm
Lisa,
It saddens me to see you in so much pain. We all say things from time to time we wish we hadn’t. It’s part of being human. Our children will always forgive us, as we will always forgive them for the, “I hate you mommy” comment.
The phyiscal pain from the migraines sound horrible. Have you ever consulted a pain management specialist? I’ve heard great things from those who have. They not only prescribe meds but can also help with non pharmaceutical forms of treatment. I also have a friend who swears a chiropractor has helped her become migraine free. Hang in there and if there is anything I can do to help, let me know.
Kathy
By Nancy R, April 9, 2008 @ 11:40 pm
(((Lisa)))
Not much more I can add to what’s already been said.
By rg, August 23, 2008 @ 12:15 am
i hope you fucking die bitch your a horrible person and I hope hope someone comes and rapes torrtutres and kills you tonight you fucking bitch i want you to feel pain!!
By Bill, January 13, 2009 @ 4:42 pm
You sound like a rotten horrible Israli Bitch With Aspergers. Why dont you get yourself some cotten sheets, quit the pills and start talking to your husband. Being a beautiful person on the inside mean letting Gods love shine through you. Oh yeah and leave the nice people alone before you get stabbed and thrown in a dumpster.
By Nickie Clinebell, June 24, 2011 @ 9:04 pm
Hey there! This post couldn’t be written any better! Reading this post reminds me of my previous room mate! He always kept chatting about this. I will forward this article to him. Fairly certain he will have a good read. Many thanks for sharing!