His (and hers) homework meltdowns…
Caution: Bitchy rant that will probably make you think less of me ahead.
Most mornings, you can find my son and I in the breakfast nook. His brow is furrowed. My temper is tested. There is alot teeth grinding on both our parts. I’m talking homework.
We sit together for almost an hour each morning. Since his kindergarten session starts in the afternoon, we started doing homework in the mornings, when his brain is fresh. (Next year will be a whole different schedule.) But it doesn’t seem to matter - it is still a constant struggle.
Its not that he’s got an hour of homework — he usually only gets homework a few times a week. These worksheets should only take the child 10-20 minutes. But yet… With all of the lollygagging, singing about poopy butts and weenies, screeching, calling the dog, asking for a drink, going to the bathroom, whining, playing with the eraser, arguing, and fussing, these worksheets take more like 30-40 minutes.
And that’s only IF I’m standing right next to him to say, “Seth. Now you need to write a lowercase ‘r’. No, that’s uppercase. You need to erase that. Write a lowercase ‘r’. Seth! You just wrote another capital ‘r’. You need to write a small ‘r’. (He finally writes the ‘r’.) Ok great. Do you see you’re trying to write the word ‘rat’, what comes after the ‘r’. Yes! Its the ‘at’ sound. How do you think that’s spelled? Yes! ‘a’ and ’t’. Very good. Now write the ‘a’ and ‘t’. No, not on this other line. You need to write the ‘a’ and ‘t’ right next to the ‘r’. We’re writing the word ‘rat’ remember? Ok. Dude, what is that? That doesn’t look like an ‘a’. Remember? An ‘a’ is a circle and a stick, Bunny. No that stick is on the wrong side of the circle.
After 20 minutes of this. (I’m losing patience faster as the school year wears on.) I get frustrated and start talking to him in a very irritated tone. And I wonder… Why can’t the child just write out the freaking ‘r’ and the ‘at’ on the same line? Why can’t he just do it without me standing over him? When I volunteer in his classroom, I see kids doing their work by themselves. Why can’t Seth do that? Is this normal? Is there something wrong with me and my approach? Is there something wrong with him? I see other kids follow directions, why can’t he? (We spend alot of time correcting work he did at school - not that he didn’t know the material - he just didn’t follow directions or finish the project.)
And since his skills aren’t up to par in certain areas we do extra little projects. He brings them in to his teacher — mainly so she can see he’s trying. (And also, because I don’t think she’d believe me otherwise.) He’s come a long way with his fine motor skills since the beginning of the year but… There’s alot more that needs to be done. (The bright-side is that his handwriting is more legible than hubby’s chicken scratch.)
I can tell the homework has taken a toll on our relationship. We aren’t as close as we used to be. What doesn’t help is that I’m the one who has to make sure he does all of those things he hates to do - like shower, brush teeth, enforce bedtimes, eat veggies, do homework and so forth. Hubby takes him ice skating for two hours then out for an cream dinner and HE’s the hero. I’m the big, bad bitch.
When I think of the upcoming years of homework help, I start to wonder if I can talk my doctor into giving me a script for a lifetime supply of Valium. Clearly ONE of us needs some sort of medicine to keep from going crazy and strangling the other.
But I have to wonder… Is all of this “normal”?
P.S. I know that the kitchen isn’t usually the best environment for kids to do homework. But we have no other kids. The breakfast nook is one of the quietest places in the house. With all of the construction and remodeling of neighbor homes as well as trash and delivery trucks driving by, the rooms facing the street are far more distracting than a little room that faces a quiet back yard.
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By Traceytreasure, April 16, 2008 @ 8:28 pm
I’m so sorry for laughing. Yes, this is perfectly normal. Not all days are like this, I hope. I think that we find our way. Communicating with our kids is one of the hardest things that I’ve learned to do. I didn’t learn much in the Public School system. I have a diploma but I slipped through the “cracks.” No one noticed that I didn’t care to learn and no one cared that I didn’t learn much. That’s why I homeschool our kids. They aren’t going to get away with anything. They have to learn and they don’t have a choice. I’ve learned to make it fun for them. Flash cards only worked for half of them. Every kid learns differently. My youngest loves her Bilingual 62 Activity Laptop. We sit and play “games” for hours. She likes typing on the keyboard. My son, who has his driver’s license as of today, does his school work at night because he retains it better if it’s the last thing on his mind before bed. I don’t know if any of this helps you. Just hug him and be glad that he’s not asking you for your car keys!! Good luck!! Hugs!!
By candid, April 16, 2008 @ 8:40 pm
I think it’s pretty normal. My darling son (Wise A) while smart as a whip is also huge in distraction. YIKES. Pull my hair out… It’s normal for them, I guess. “No, you can’t have a snack until you’ve done that math”. “Stop playing and do your reading!” I have to stop him and make him re-do many things and he gets mad at me for it. I say too freaking bad. He is happy when he gets praise from his teacher, tho. Some days are much better than others. But it’s always been a pain to get him to do anything that isn’t completely fun for him. I had to threaten him with taking away everything fun so he would slow down on his classwork. He was rushing through and flunking everything miserably. Maybe you can make some time on the weekend when it’s just the two of you doing fun stuff. I took my son rollerskating and darn near killed myself! But he was seriously appreciative. The hubbs shouldn’t get to do ALL the fun (credit)stuff!!
By motomom, April 16, 2008 @ 8:47 pm
I am in the same boat, only mine are in Middle School. As for the normal part, I would suggest having a conversation with his teacher and one with your pediatrician if you are still concerned. My daughter was diagnosed with ADD in 3rd grade, and once I began doing all the reading and research I could see all the signs that we had missed. I’m not suggesting that this is what you are dealing with, but perhaps they could offer some guidance and resources.
For the homework maybe consider making a photocopy of the work. Go over the instructions and let him have a chance to try it himself. You will have the other copy as backup if needed. If he does the work right he earns a sticker, at the end of the week he earns a fun reward with mom if he has earned all the stickers for the week.
By ~JJ!, April 16, 2008 @ 8:58 pm
Oh woman.
Homework sucks.
I can offer you this: (as a teacher who has offered the same advice to other parents)
Don’t force him.
He will experience the consequences eventually of missing homework. Kindergarten is the best place to learn that…I mean, how important is the HW really? (He’ll learn to write with or without it.)
He will learn that HW is the schools idea and not mom’s and because he thinks it’s mom’s idea (you are the one forcing him) he will fight it tooth and nail.
Just give him the choice. You can do your HW either in the Nook or in (another quiet place) and you can do your HW in the AM or in the afternoon….and leave him to it. He may miss a few assignments but after a while, he’ll get the idea.
It’s not your responsibility…it’s his. and the sooner he learns that the better. The more you force it on him, the more it becomes YOUR issue…
Give him the two simple choices and he will get it…
I know it.
Why should you be needing dental work because you grind your teeth to the root?
Let me know what you think.
By feener, April 16, 2008 @ 9:14 pm
ugh homework, not looking forward to those days.
By MammaLoves, April 17, 2008 @ 12:32 am
Oh the battles and tears we’ve had to endure. Now true it turned out that I was dealing with a kid with ADHD and didn’t know it. Now that we have a diagnosis, the world is so much easier.
By MammaLoves, April 17, 2008 @ 12:32 am
Oh and on the dad thing? Don’t get me started…
By Alissa, April 17, 2008 @ 12:47 am
Oh, totally normal! And Drew works better at school than he does at home. Not always up to his potential/abilities, but better.
It got better when I gave up my perfectionist,controlling ways and let the child get an F. It hurt to see him bring that grade home, but I said to him “Drew. This is really disappointing for me. I KNOW you can do better, and it’s really a shame that you’re not doing your best in school.”
He was so upset, after months of A, A, A, B, A, A, to get an F, that he began to try harder.
Now, he sits at the table and completes his homework sheets, calling if he needs assistance. If I see him piddling around I say something, but he does the work on his own. Then I check it, point out where he’s made mistakes, and require him to fix it. This works much better for us.
Something I’ve noticed is that he consistently gets low A’s and high B’s when he does it this way. Before he rarely got less than 100%–I believe I may have been doing his work for him and not realizing it.
It will always be a battle, I imagine, but it’s improving. Hang in there!
By cagey, April 17, 2008 @ 1:40 am
You are WAY too hard on yourself. I do NOT think less of you. I hate being the bad guy around here, too.
One thing I heard about homework that supposedly helps is not making your kid do it, but then they face the consequence at school. I am guessing you have probably heard that one, though. Also, your kid is in kindergarten, so perhaps he is too young?
Whatever you figure out, please share so that I can learn. Hang in there!
By Julie @ Letter9, April 17, 2008 @ 12:57 pm
I’m totally with JJ and Alissa — I’d talk with his teacher (who I am sure will reassure you that this is normal) and ask about what strategies might work best. But I’m definitely thinking that backing off and letting him fail a bit is going to help him… so much better to have him learn on his own that homework is important than simply to learn that it’s something he has to do to get you off his back.
You might also find that there are ways to incorporate learning into your days so that he really enjoys learning new things even when they take some effort. You might spend some time doing learning-type things that aren’t just homework… science experiments come to mind but I also just read about a mom who has her sons help her with the grocery list. First they cut out pictures of things they often eat (eggs, milk, etc) and then write the names of the things on index cards and add the pictures. Then each boy gets to take a few index cards to the grocery store and he is in charge of that item… he has to make sure it ends up in the cart. They get to have a lot of responsibility and they’re learning as they go. Stuff like that might help???
By Julie @ Letter9, April 17, 2008 @ 12:58 pm
Also, it sounds like Seth might love learning his letters if sometimes he got to spell things like poop. Our little friend from Big Brothers Big Sisters was TOTALLY into spelling gross words and learned his letters that way.
By VirtualSprite, April 17, 2008 @ 2:03 pm
Homework is a bitch. We go through the same battles at our house, from the middle schoolers down to the preschooler. We’ve always done homework in the kitchen, where it can be supervised and where we are available to assist, so don’t feel bad about that.
I think it’s just hard at this age to focus on anything but fun stuff, but keep trying and maybe try to make it fun. For spelling, we use refrigerator magnets - even with the middle schoolers. There are also great computer games out there.
By jaelithe, April 17, 2008 @ 2:36 pm
Lots of kids hate homework. I hated homework, too. I don’t think Seth is abnormal. Just stubborn. And stubborn isn’t always a bad thing. It might make it hard to get him to do homework now, but maybe when he’s in high school that stubbornness will mean running an extra mile for the track team, or pushing to get an unfair grading policy changed on behalf of a friend.
Also, kids with sensory issues often have poor motor planning skills, which can make learning to write frustrating, because they have to concentrate just a bit more on forming the letters; it takes longer for them to develop the muscle memory that comes to other kids more naturally. And if Seth finds writing frustrating, that could be a big reason why he finds homework in general frustrating.
I am trying to teach Isaac to write right now and he hates it. HATES IT. He can already read first-grade level books (when he’s in the mood, heh), but writing? He runs to his room and slams the door, in tears, sometimes, when he gets frustrated during writing practice. So I don’t push him too hard. It helps that I also had trouble with handwriting when I was younger, so I can tell him I understand, and he knows I mean it.
By Chris, April 17, 2008 @ 6:07 pm
It is perfectly normal!!! (Like you didn’t realize that from all above comments
)
Alex and I had a lot of the same issues. We played around with different times a lot to find one’s that worked for him and me, and our moods. K-1st grade he was best if he did homework while having a snack when he first got home, when his brain was still ‘in’ his work. 2nd grade turned to be better if He did it between 30-45 min. after getting home. 3rd grade has turned out to be better if he does it on the bus, then I check it, and he does corrections after girls go to bed and house is calm so I can help him.
Just play around with it, grit your teeth, and remember that eventually it will all pass!
xoxox
By Susan, April 17, 2008 @ 9:03 pm
Let me just say I totally empathize with you on the homework. Me and the kid would seriously butt heads over it and I’d become a screaming banshee. It was not good. I had to turn it all over to Dad because he for once was more patient than I at something which was a big shock.
By Andrea, April 17, 2008 @ 9:26 pm
I don’t think any less of you. I bet a lot of parents feel that way.
Since mine isn’t in school yet, I don’t have any advice, but I’m definitely watching the conversation with interest.
By quinn, April 17, 2008 @ 10:04 pm
Woman, you (and all the other moms) have the patience of a saint. I’m thinking back to my deep, deep hatred with homework growing up, and wondering if I’d be able to sit through it all again! He’s lucky he has a mom who is so willing to help and encourage him- even if he might not appreciate it until he’s an adult
By Lisa, April 17, 2008 @ 11:52 pm
I HEAR YOU!!! It is torture on some days. We all know if they would just sit and do it, it would be done so much faster but they never think that way.
Can I say, it has gotten a little easier lately for us? And his reading? That used to be the worst thing ever to sit through and now, nto so bad. But it will get worse again. You are not alone!! Frustrating.
But when he is giving his commencement speech, in 13 years he might say:
“Mom, I know I was a pain in the ass but I always remember you and I in the nook, when you were encouraging and praising my efforts.”
Someday. Thank God for short term memory!!
By abunslife, April 18, 2008 @ 2:13 am
Jacob doesn’t not like to do his writing assignments AT ALL. Or anything to do with drawing or anything to do with fine motor skills at all now that I think about it….when he does do it, he only wants to write in upper case because that is what he feels the most comfortable with of course. He has the most difficult time with lower case a’s and r’s. Drives me nutso….we go over the same thing time and time and time again. But I will say it is amazing how motivated he is do it all and get it done when he can’t watch tv, or play the Wii until it is done.
I’m worried about sticking with it over the summer. Hang in there. If spelling the innocent “potty” words will work, I say go for it, or see if spelling/writing Star Wars characters would interest him….anything just to get him to physically write. You are doing great!
By Farrell, April 18, 2008 @ 12:05 pm
I don’t know; we’re not there yet and I’m not looking forward to it. Already, I call mine “Sophie the snail” sometimes because she can move. so. sloooowly. Always when I need to get out the dor NOW.
In middle school, my mom eventually made a house rule that my step-dad was no longer able to help me with homework because we would fight about it so much.
I don’t think we had homework when I was in kindergarten.
By Dana, April 18, 2008 @ 4:56 pm
He’s totally normal. And a strong-willed child is something to value. Just means that he won’t be led so easily when he’s older.
I started Liam on cursive this year and he hated it at first. (I value the art of it, plus I think the extra effort helps his reading comprehension.) I put him in charge of things like writing the grocery lists (copying really, from my notes), placecards for holiday table settings, etc. It put an importance on his writing and helped motivate him to do it better. I had to hover over him too, at times in kindergarten. Stick with it. As per my experience homeschooling, there comes a struggle before the little lightbulb flicks on. It just takes repetition and patience, which can be difficult.
Also, second the motion that he should take responsibility for it. When Liam goofs around and doesn’t finish his Spanish homework, I make him go to class and face the music. Afterwards, I tell him that since he used up his homework time playing, he now has to use his play time to do his homework. Otherwise he’ll get another mark against him in class. Bummer. But it’s his responsibility. Part of teaching your child is to let him fail when HE chooses to do so. It’s the only way they learn to WANT to succeed. My 2c.
By becky, April 18, 2008 @ 9:05 pm
omg i cant tell you how much i can relate to this. me and matt both struggle with hannah and her PRESCHOOL homework. our main issue is that she’s so lazy and while she has the motor skills…she lacks the motivation. so we sit there and argue with her for the whole 30 mins of doing these worksheets because she too is singing…talking…chewing on her pencil. its so frustrating and i dread the future with her homework!
By flybunny, April 19, 2008 @ 9:18 pm
Agreeing with everyone else that this is totally normal but it is still frustrating even if it is normal. My middle child struggles with homework every.single.night without exception. It has caused more tears and fights in our house than I can count. We don’t make her do it and she faces consequences at school and you know sometimes that doesn’t even matter.
I am going to go out on a limb here (based on some of your previous postings about your love bunny) and suggest this book that is starting (we just got it and are starting to implement some of the techniques) to help us change the way we approach struggles with our daughter. The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child. I am in no way suggesting that Seth is defiant but I can attest that this book is a lifesaver for these types of situations and this book can really be applied to ANY child regardless of disposition. The author is Alan Kazdin who is the president of the American Psychological Association and it is hands down the best book I have ever read on parenting - and believe me I have a shelf full of parenting books to help me manage my beloved daughter.
Anyway, I hope things get better soon as I know how wearing they can be!
By Daisy, April 20, 2008 @ 12:51 am
Related to another tangent on this post — have you gotten advice on strengthening his fingers and hands? Playdough, clay, stressballs, certain cushy pillows, and even silly putty are all really good for strengthening fingers. This eventually helps with handwriting and other fine motor skills. A lot of kids struggle with legible handwriting and (essential when it comes to place value in math) staying between the lines. Sometimes they simply need stronger fingers.