A Buoy in the Sea…
It had come on so slowly that I hadn’t even noticed. It snuck up on me — this thick fog, this black funk, this leaded fatigue.
At first I shrugged it off, thinking it was a series of bad days. Then I thought it was PMS. Then I thought I just needed more sleep. I stopped listening to my body and soul. I just kept making excuses, hoping it would go away.
But it didn’t. It got worse. I was ill-tempered and consistently felt like an exposed nerve. I felt overwhelmed by day-to-day demands. But what made me really start to wonder was when I went to a certain corporate sponsored “baby camp.” At the gathering, I saw a room full of these amazing, talented women – women I respect, admire and adore. (I’m sure I’m forgetting others here.) But I wanted nothing more than to dissipate, to melt into nothingness. I felt painfully self-conscious.
I walked up to someone I knew to say “hi.” She said, “Oh. I didn’t know YOU’D be here.” In my mind she was unhappy to see me. This solidified my thoughts of, “I am nothing and have no right to be here. Someone else should be in my place. Someone who can write.”
I was (and still am) incredibly grateful to warm, wonderful Liz, Jaelithe and Dana. I clung to them like a newly born kitten to its mother. I felt just as blind and vulnerable.
After that, I began to avoid people and social invitations. This anxiety enveloped me even during meetings with family and old friends. My mustered energy was mainly spent on trying not to cry and wishing myself invisible.
I had these heartbreaking thoughts. The “I’m such a shitty wife and mother. My husband and son would be so much better off without me” thought alternated with the “I’m such a fuck-up. I have no value. Me not being on this earth would probably make it a better place” thought.
That was when I knew I needed help. That this thing was bigger than what I could handle on my own. I’d been through this nine years ago. During that time, I got to a point where the only thought that got me out of bed was, “hey, maybe today will be my lucky day and I’ll get hit by a bus!”.
But now there’s a little boy I need to take care of. And a household. And a marriage. And a yard. And other obligations. And I knew I couldn’t afford to slip further.
So I went to the doctor. I starred at the shiney, white-tiled floor and said as little as possible, holding my breath whenever my eyes would well with tears. I told him about the anti-anxiety drugs I’ve been on throughout the years that were supposed to ward off the many migraines. We discussed how the side effects had always overshadowed what little improvement they’d bring. I told him if they were my only option, I didn’t want them. But he had a different medication for me to try.
So its been about a week since I’ve been on “a little something.” I know its still pretty new. But it is keeping me from drowning in depression — my buoy in the sea. I know medicine isn’t the only answer. I need to make some changes. But the horrible thoughts, irritability and heavy numbness is starting to slowly dissipate.
I can’t adequately discribe how precious it is to see Seth’s sweet little smile and feel a bit of joy. Or to appreciate the vivid colors of spring flowers. Or to think about the future and not feel dread. I had forgotten what it felt like to genuinely experience those emotions. And I missed that. I missed feeling like “me.”
Thanks to JJ for writing a post a few weeks ago that really stuck with me. Thanks to a few other bloggers who’ve been very frank about their depression as well as the aspects surrounding it.
44 Comments
Other Links to this Post
RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI
By Lisa, April 28, 2008 @ 4:48 pm
lexapro has done wonders for me. thanks for sharing.
By cagey, April 28, 2008 @ 4:55 pm
Ah, I wish I could give you a hug. I have been struggling with PPD, so I sort of know what you are going through (I say “sort of”, because is the Fog not different for everyone?)
Hang in there and I will be thinking about you.
By Patrick D., April 28, 2008 @ 4:57 pm
Sorry to hear about your fight with depression. As someone who struggled throughout my twenties and early thirties with severe depression and lots of anti-depressant drugs, I can empathize.
But just remember that as a parent, it isn’t about us anymore. It’s about that boy. Growing up without a dad made me realize that having a parent with problems is way better than no parent. The plus side to that is that there is ALWAYS someone who loves you no matter how bad things are. Kids are great for that…until the teens, I hear.
You’ll get through this. Your boy needs you to.
As for your writing skill level (mentioned earlier) and those you think are better than you. F**k them. The Internet is free and everybody gets a turn. Take your turn and write what you want. If they don’t like it, who cares. That’s the beauty of the Internet.
By liz, April 28, 2008 @ 5:07 pm
good for you lisa. good for you.
i think the first step in demystifying and de-stigmatizing depression and other mental illnesses is to talk openly about them. so, thank you for sharing.
as a fellow woman, wife, and mother that struggles with depression herself, i know how hard taking that first step can be.
By mayberry, April 28, 2008 @ 5:28 pm
Big hugs L. — good for you for reaching out and finding that buoy.
By flutter, April 28, 2008 @ 6:18 pm
meds may not be the only answer, but they can certainly help make the other answers bearable.
((you))
By Zookeeper, April 28, 2008 @ 6:23 pm
Good for you for seeking help. That is never easy to do. I hope that you continue to see the joy in your life everyday. Take care!
By HollowSquirrel, April 28, 2008 @ 6:42 pm
I love you, sweetie. Big hugs from all of the boys (and me, not a boy) here. I’m proud of you for getting help; it’s not easy. I’m glad the “little something” is beginning to work. If you need anything at all, let us know.
By Jen, April 28, 2008 @ 6:42 pm
I too have suffered from various bouts of depression, I have been medicine free for a little under a year now. I have tried them all. It is tough and some days are harder than others. My biggest time was DURING my pregnancy with my 7 y/o. I could not understand. I thought you were supposed to be happy during pregnancy and trust me I was not, I was a royal witch! I also had PPD. I am glad you saw the symptoms and realized you needed help and were not ashamed as so many women can be.
I will be praying for you.
By Rebecca, April 28, 2008 @ 6:44 pm
Ah, Lisa. . . I could write this post as easily as you. I, too, have struggled with depression and am currently on an Rx for maintenance. I constantly struggle with anxiety.
Drugs get a bad rap for being over-prescribed and not often enough used in conjunction with other therapeutic outlets. But as someone who personally knows the heaviness that depression brings, and as someone whose education was in mental health and has provided therapy for countless women, I never hesitate to support people who are brave enough to admit their struggles and take appropriate steps to try to walk out of them. And, for me, drugs were (and are) an important component of that.
As for the self esteem issues, I know those as well. Mine often have to do with appearance and weight issues, which can also leave me feeling undeserving or out-of-place. But you are an excellent writer. Blogs do not attract — and keep— readers without a certain level of proficiency. You have skills, lady; and I’m thankful that you share them with us.
By Michelle, April 28, 2008 @ 7:01 pm
A big hug being sent your way.
Three major hurdles for me….a few months ago.
1) recognizing that I was not myself, and i was being ‘mean’ to everyone I loved.
2) Calling my doctor / blogging about my feelings
3) taking the little blue pill.
It has been almost two months now, and I am glad I got where I am now. I won’t be on it forever, but it is nice to feel somewhat ‘normal’ again. Take it all in stride and know you are not alone.
By Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah, April 28, 2008 @ 7:43 pm
Going on medication is one of the best things I have ever done. I applaud your decision. I know it is hard to suck it up and say “I have a problem”. I think we are so lucky to live in a time where medication is available and there is great support from other people going through it.
(And if I am the one who said I didn’t know you would be there I assure it was just surprise. I went to the thing unprepared. I think I said that same thing to 15 people. So if it was me I am sorry. If it wasn’t me I am sure whoever said it meant nothing by it.)
By Tuesday, April 28, 2008 @ 7:49 pm
I am glad you got help. So many women try and do it on their own and they just can’t!
By abunslife, April 28, 2008 @ 7:58 pm
I’m soooo glad it is starting to lift for you, I’ve been worried. You know that if you EVER need anything, I’m just a few minutes away….
By PunditMom, April 28, 2008 @ 8:20 pm
I wish I had something really wise to say. I know this can be hard, really hard. As for the blogging, you definitely belong here. I think we all do.
By Heather, April 28, 2008 @ 8:25 pm
Depression and bi-polar disorder run in my family. There is no shame or embarrassment in recognizing that you are suffering from an illness and seeking help. I will say prayers for you.
By Farrell, April 28, 2008 @ 8:46 pm
Lisa, I’m so sorry that you have been going through all of that. I struggle with depression, anxiety and OCD and I am on Effexor and will have to be for the rest of my life. And I am OK with that because for me, it is only ON the drug that I feel like myself; off of it I am a monster and can’t recognize my reflection in the mirror. If you ever want to chat about this further, email me.
*hugs*
By Traceytreasure, April 28, 2008 @ 9:29 pm
I think that life would be a lot easier to deal with, without the “I didn’t know that YOU’D be here”, comments. I don’t know why some people just can’t be nice. I’m so tired of other women, who are probably jealous and dealing with their own insecurities, being mean to other women. Those feelings from those types of comments don’t just go away. It’s hard enough being a wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend, etc. etc. I’ll never understand why some people weren’t taught the saying “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.” I wish I could make that a LAW! I hope that your depression goes away with the new meds. When I was suicidal I went for help and I was given Wellbutrin, that made me sick on top of being depressed. Then they gave me Prozac. It made me sick too! You have my email address. I would be more than willing to offer you support through this rough time! Don’t be afraid to ask for help! So many women experience this. Wishing you the best of luck with this! Love and hugs!
By MommyTime, April 28, 2008 @ 9:35 pm
This is very touching, and I am so glad to know that you are getting the help you needed. As someone who had pretty bad post-partum depression and didn’t recognize it for what it was until I was coming out of it months later, I know how much of a relief it is even to feel you’re making baby steps forward. Good for you, and may it continue to improve every day!
By Alissa, April 28, 2008 @ 10:32 pm
Reading this helps me more than you will ever know. Your timing is incredible.
Thank you.
By Linlee, April 29, 2008 @ 3:06 am
Your not alone, I’ve been on “a little something” for a long time. I increased “a little something” when Hope was born. I’m ALWAYS here for you ( I mean it)
Hugs!
By Suebob, April 29, 2008 @ 3:49 am
I’m so glad that you decided to take care of yourself. You deserve a happy life. Hug.
By Dana, April 29, 2008 @ 4:26 am
Ditto on the timing. We should talk offline more.
All healthy self-perceptions are infused with some self-doubt. That being said, I love you to bits and don’t believe that you’re any of those negative things you’ve said about yourself.
I’m always here if you need me.
xoxo
By jaelithe, April 29, 2008 @ 5:32 am
I think being a stay-at-home mother is one of the hardest jobs on the planet, these days. It’s so isolating, because we don’t live in villages or with extended families anymore– I often go entire days or even weeks without speaking in person to a single adult besides my husband.
And then there is the feeling that you aren’t really accomplishing anything, that is reinforced by our society’s blatant disrespect for domestic (i.e. traditional “women’s” work). In the 21st century, I think most of today’s housewives feel inadequate, that they are somehow failing to live up to their potential, and failing also to be an equal contributor to the household because they are not working full-time outside the home (even if they are working part-time, and even if, in terms of childcare and housework, they are actually working harder than their husbands). I think this feeling is especially difficult to deal with if you have a college education and had a bit of a career outside the home before you became a mother.
And then of course if you’re a full-time working mother these days, you really have two jobs, and everyone makes you feel guilty for not staying home . . .
Really I’m surprised we’re not all on a little something. Heck, the women of our mothers’ generation were pretty much all on valium, bourbon, amphetamine diet pills or some combination thereof.
I hope this medicine keeps working for you, and more importantly, I hope you remember that you ARE important, and you ARE doing a good job, and the world DOES need you.
By ~JJ!, April 29, 2008 @ 3:11 pm
Now I’m crying.
I’m so happy you are taking some steps.
hugs.
By Andrea, April 29, 2008 @ 6:43 pm
Oh Lisa. I am glad your little something is working! I’m glad you had the strength to see what you needed to do when it got too big for you. I’ve been thinking something along those lines for a little while now. I hate it when I feel this way, so I can definitely sympathize with your emotions. Hang in there.
And drop me a line with the name of your little something. I have the same migraine issues you have, so could use a little information.
By Lisa, April 30, 2008 @ 12:07 am
I am tagging you for a 6 quirky things meme…see my site for details!
By Amber, April 30, 2008 @ 11:43 am
Sweetie,
Hopefully you will start to see through all the negativity you have been feeling. Know that NO ONE can fathom the self-doubt you are feeling. All we see is a beautiful, sweet woman who has so much to offer. You are on track to start having the same realization!
By Chicky Chicky Baby, April 30, 2008 @ 2:37 pm
It was me, wasn’t it? I said that. I have a history of saying stupid things. Stupid, stupid, stupid…
If it’s any consolation I had no idea you were feeling that way. And I admire you for knowing when to ask for help. So many people out there aren’t that brave. Ahem.
By Jakki, April 30, 2008 @ 2:40 pm
I’ve lurked here for a minute and decided to stop stalking…LOL. My heart goes out to you but it takes a lot of strength to admit that you know something’s wrong and then actually step out and do something about it. Always remember that…you are a lot stronger than you think.
By Believer in Balance, April 30, 2008 @ 10:10 pm
You expressed beautifully what so many go through. While I can still remember how beautiful, confident and outgoing you were at BlogHer last year, your perception of yourself is all that matters. I’m thrilled to hear you are beginning to feel like your old self again. I’m very much looking forward to seeing you this summer and will be bummed if you’re NOT there!
By Candid, April 30, 2008 @ 11:01 pm
I’m so glad you’re having better, genuine, feelings with that extra ‘little something’.
I can say without hesitation that the right medications can be a Godsend with depression. My whole family is blanketed in various forms of depression and/or chemical balance issues.
I’m also so glad you recognized your issues and WENT to the doctor as soon as you could drag yourself. I’m hugging you from here…you’ll do just fine, I can tell!
((More hugs))
By debra, April 30, 2008 @ 11:41 pm
{{hugs}}
Thanks for sharing your story. We all need to remember to reach out for help when things start to get a little more than we can handle. You’re so smart and brave to realize it was a time to make a change and then do it.
I wish we lived closer but I’m still here for you any time! If I can listen or send more virtual hugs, just email.
By Stimey, May 1, 2008 @ 3:52 am
I’m so sorry to hear this. I have also suffered from depression and anxiety. It is so hard to see any light when you’re in the thick of it. I hope things improve before too long. Thinking of you…
By Sugared Harpy, May 1, 2008 @ 3:12 pm
I’m so sorry, and I’m so happy you are getting the help you deserve. It’s difficult to say and even more so to actually go, but I am so proud of you. You are a gorgeous, bright, hilarious woman…go getcha some happy.
By Liz, May 1, 2008 @ 8:34 pm
You know, I didn’t see it. Not one moment, did I feel (or see) your pain. And that, my dear, sweet woman, makes me a totally shitty friend. I am comforted to know that you’ve seeked and are getting “a little something” to help you through. You are so worth the effort. I hope to see you, again, soon and give you the biggest hug (you know, I’m a hugger) and don’t be surprised if I throw in a big old sloppy kiss, for good measure.
By Carrie, May 2, 2008 @ 2:37 am
Oh Lisa, I had no idea. I can’t imagine you NOT shining in a room. You are so talented and worthy and have so much to give.
I hope the new stuff works and please, please if it doesn’t, go back to the Doc.
Hugs, friend. Hugs to you.
By Karianna, May 2, 2008 @ 3:01 am
I’m late commenting, but believe me, I would have come right over if I knew this is what you had posted about.
I have definitely been there. Definitely.
I once got an “A” on an essay about a book I didn’t read because I was depressed - I could stick myself in the depressed-main-character’s shoes and spew out descriptions about what must have been described in the book.
I loved and valued seeing you at Camp Baby. I would have given you an extra hug if I knew you were uncomfortable; but to me, you looked confident with your own circle of friends.
By Classy Mommy, May 5, 2008 @ 3:16 am
Lisa - Wish I saw this post sooner, I”m kind of late commenting. Anyhow I’m so happy you asked for help and hopefully your days will be brighter. We sat next to each other at Camp Baby and I thought you were so friendly and nice - and to me it seemed like knew so many people - who were actually friends too! I never ever would have thought you were uncomfortable - honestly I didn’t know 1 person there and I was so happy to sit next to you. I’ve been visiting your site ever since. Hang in there. Colleen
By Grim Reality Girl, May 5, 2008 @ 2:51 pm
I fight depression too. I hate that it takes so long to realize we are in this place… and that it then takes a while to come back to being ourselves. For me just admitting I’m depressed helps to lighten the load. Hang in there. Isn’t it funny how certain situations can make us feel like we are in middle school again? The amazing thing is that nobody realizes your discomfort — they are too busy noticing how cool YOU are!!! If only we could see ourselves the way our friends see us! You are beautiful!
By Christina, May 7, 2008 @ 2:45 am
I say ditto to much of what everyone else has said.
It takes a lot of guts to admit that something isn’t right and seek help, and I’m glad you had the strength to do that. I’ve been there before, more than once, and often feel that another fight with those dark shadows is right around the corner. I’ve been on medication, too, and it has helped me a lot.
Of course I didn’t see any discomfort from you at all. You seemed happy and I wish I could have spent more time with you, especially knowing you felt self-conscious. (I always feel self-conscious, so I hate to hear others feel that way, and want to make them feel as comfortable as possible.)
You’re coming to BlogHer, right? I’m giving you a big hug the next time I see you.
By becky, May 7, 2008 @ 5:03 pm
i’m glad to hear you sought help for how you were feeling. sorry to hear it’s been rough for you. ((HUGS))
By Jennifer, June 2, 2008 @ 5:21 am
I am very late commenting because I just started reading your blog! I went through some major stress a while back which brought on anxiety and depression and the medication I took made a huge difference. Once things settled down, I weaned myself off and have been fine, except for every now and then I feel like I could use a little something. Especially today; I was so out-of-sorts. Reading your post made me feel so much better. I know there are tons of people with the same problem, but it was nice to read about it and I appreciate you sharing.
By Kia, June 22, 2008 @ 4:46 pm
Ok, I know it’s kind of late, but this is the first time I’ve read your blog. I’d like to add one more “me too” to the equation. The feelings of inadequacy in everything I do are horrid, but it does help to know that others sometimes feel this way, too.
I found your blog thanks to Jaelithe. She referred me here because I’ve just started a new blog about my dealings with my son’s SPD/SID. I look forward to reading more of your experiences.