Gone baby, gone
I should have known better than to announce a pregnancy in the first trimester. I should have known better than to let the fertility gods know we were thrilled with their decision. And I should have known better than to start cleaning out my office, thinking of it now as “the baby’s room”. Because today some cosmic force decided we were in need of a blind-sided, bitchslap.
The embryo growing within me was more than a developing clump of cells. It was a growing bundle of hope. For a number of reasons, 2008 was a very tough year for my husband and me. Yet we survived. We might not have gotten through it all gracefully, but we withstood the hardships and managed to gain some valuable insights along the way. We saw this delicate, tiny surprise as the cosmos’ ”reward” for surviving the struggle. This baby we’d tried to conceive for years was a result of love recaptured and restored.
An ultrasound from a few weeks ago revealed a strong, beating heart. We were elated and started to refer to the baby as “Roo”. But when today’s ultrasound brought silence and stillness, Marc and I both knew what would come next. This has become a familiar path for us… The experience begins with the ultrasound tech’s awkward silences and after a few minutes, a quiet apology… It ends with numbly scheduling a surgery and driving home only to realize you aren’t coming home the same person you were a mere hour ago…
At some point this week, I will emerge from an artificial sleep and stare into the bright lights of a surgical recovery room. I will hear a nurse cheerfully say, “Its all over. You did fine.” As she helps me get dressed, I’ll know that our little Roo is no longer inside of me. My husband will wheel me out of the center and gently help me in the car. But the grogginess won’t prevent me from noticing the physical feeling of hollowness inside me.
My body will heal. There will be good days. There will be bad days. There will probably be a time or two where I call my mom to cry. But at least we have our Seth. Our sweet, silly, lively, little man. Maybe someday we’ll have more children. Maybe not. For now, we hold our son close. We learn what we can from this experience. We shed tears when we need to. We laugh, cry and wonder aloud, “What else is the universe going to throw our way?”
We keep our hearts open. And we remain thankful for that burst of sunshine we revelled in this winter — as fleeting as it was.
76 Comments
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Miscarriage – Finding the Right Words | Stl Family Life — March 19, 2010 @ 2:27 pm
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By NotAMeanGirl, January 27, 2009 @ 5:17 am
I am so sorry. I’ll say a lil prayer for your “Roo”… and you as well.
By Erin, January 27, 2009 @ 5:27 am
The word ’sorry’ seems futile at the moment. But I am.
I hope that you and your husband can find solace in your beautiful son and in the rekindled love you share as a couple. My thoughts and prayers are most certainly with you.
By Traceytreasure, January 27, 2009 @ 5:31 am
Oh my gosh, Lisa, I am so sorry for you and your family. I’m in tears over here. I wish I could give you a real hug but this one will have to do. You are in my thoughts. I hope that you will try again…..I hope that another child is in your future.
I’m so sorry, hon…
Hugs and love, T
By flutter, January 27, 2009 @ 5:53 am
Oh, babe. I am holding your hand across all of these miles.
By Christine, January 27, 2009 @ 6:01 am
I am so sorry. I wish I knew what to say. My heart is breaking for you guys. {{{{HUGS}}}}
By Kathleen, January 27, 2009 @ 6:06 am
all my words are bound to fail.
I hope you got my text from SF. Call if you need, you know what I do for a living.
By Anissa@hope4peyton, January 27, 2009 @ 6:46 am
Lisa, boy do I wish I had something profound to say that I knew would make you feel better…would lessen the grief you’re feeling.
Just know that I’ve been there and I remember there were people who felt that the depth of my grief was overdone for so early a loss….it’s NOT.
My heart just aches for you right now.
All my love and prayers and I sure wish I could be there to give you a big hug and have a cry with you when you need it.
By Debbie, January 27, 2009 @ 9:53 am
Lisa, I am so sad to hear this news. You are in our thoughts and prayers.
By Linda, January 27, 2009 @ 12:04 pm
Lisa, I’m so sorry to hear of your loss of little Roo. Cyberhugs to you and hubby and Seth.
By Leigh, January 27, 2009 @ 12:49 pm
Sending warm thoughts and hugs your way.
By Farrell, January 27, 2009 @ 1:07 pm
Oh honey, I’m so so so very sorry. *BIG HUGS*
By Nancy, January 27, 2009 @ 1:07 pm
I am so sorry…..
By Heather G, January 27, 2009 @ 1:50 pm
I know that loss, it hurts so deep. I’m so sorry this is the path you have to walk. Prayers and peace.
By Amy, January 27, 2009 @ 1:50 pm
I am so sorry for your loss.
By liz, January 27, 2009 @ 2:14 pm
oh man, i’m just shouting out a great big “NOOOOO!” into the universe. there simply are no words, but know that i’m thinking of you and marc and seth. and most certainly roo.
i’m so sorry for your loss, but so grateful that your family could see what was possible.
By Sarah, January 27, 2009 @ 2:25 pm
Oh, I know that I’m sorry are not the right words, but I don’t know what they are. I just lost one a few weeks ago too. I’ll be thinking of you and praying for you.
By Shutter Bitch, January 27, 2009 @ 2:41 pm
Dammit. Dammit! I’m so sorry, Lisa. I’m so sorry, Marc. I … don’t know what else to say that would mean enough. I’m heartbroken for you. If you need a good cry, I’ll cry with you.
By Maeve's mom, January 27, 2009 @ 2:41 pm
I am so sorry, that seems such an inadequate response to your loss. But, it’s really all anyone can say. I’m just so, so sorry.
By Mirinda, January 27, 2009 @ 3:05 pm
Lisa, sorry does not even begin to say enough. Though I am truly sorry this happened and will pray for you guys to somehow manage the sorrow.
I’ve been there and it is hard and heart-breaking. Here is a big cyber ((((HUG))) and a ton of prayers going up for you.
By jaKKi, January 27, 2009 @ 3:17 pm
sometimes it feel like what i read on this computer screen hit me harder and touch me more than what people say to me in my ‘real’ life.
my heart goes out to you
By Mrs. Schmitty, January 27, 2009 @ 3:21 pm
I am so very, VERY sorry for you. I will say a prayer for you, your family, and Roo.
By Cagey, January 27, 2009 @ 3:24 pm
I know we already have emailed, but I wanted to express again, how sad I was about this news and that I am still thinking of you.
By Kat, January 27, 2009 @ 3:27 pm
I am so sorry. I know the tears I am crying are not helping you so I am sending you lots of prayers instead.
By Jen, January 27, 2009 @ 4:02 pm
I am so sorry. Don’t know what else to say. Wish there was something I could do/say for/to you other than, I am so sorry.
By Issa, January 27, 2009 @ 5:17 pm
I know the words don’t really help, but I truly am sorry for your loss.
By Monkey's Momma, January 27, 2009 @ 5:20 pm
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
By christina_the_wench, January 27, 2009 @ 6:03 pm
I am very sorry, Lisa, for your loss. You hold on to Marc and Seth and the hope that the Lord will bring you another surprise very soon.
(((big hug from Michigan)))
By The Other Dawn, January 27, 2009 @ 6:27 pm
Everything else I’m coming up with is heavily peppered with cuss words… so forgive me when I say, “not fair, not fair, not fair!”
I’m so sorry. It’s just not fair.
Like someone else said– I know the tears I’m crying aren’t helping you any, but they are here. I’ll be thinking about you.
By Scarlet O'Kara, January 27, 2009 @ 7:23 pm
No words that I say will take away the sorrow, but maybe just letting your know that you’re in my prayers will help…
By Kim, January 27, 2009 @ 7:34 pm
Oh honey I’m so sorry. Many hugs to you and your husband.
By Rachel, January 27, 2009 @ 7:40 pm
I’m so very sorry. I know all too well about the ultrasound tech’s awkward silence and the drive home, wondering how people in their cars can just keep going on, like nothing has changed. I am another reader who is thinking of you. I also know, all too well, there’s nothing I can do or say to help you now, but you are not alone.
By Thumper, January 27, 2009 @ 8:01 pm
Aw. man…I am so, so sorry.
By Dawn, January 27, 2009 @ 8:13 pm
Oh, I’m just heartbroken for you. I can only imagine how you must feel.
You are due for some sunshine in your life.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
By Tuesday, January 27, 2009 @ 8:18 pm
We had a tough 2008 also and I know what it is like to get your hopes up, only to have them dashed.
I am so sorry. (((hugs))))
By Cristina, January 27, 2009 @ 8:28 pm
I am so sorry for your loss. May 2009 hold happier times for you.
By zookeeper, January 27, 2009 @ 8:44 pm
I wish I had the right words to say. I feel so sad for you and your family. It’s just not fair!
By raisingz, January 27, 2009 @ 8:45 pm
I am so sorry! I wish there was something I could say that would help with the pain. I too am praying for you and your husband.
By Heather Lessiter, January 27, 2009 @ 8:46 pm
What can I say that hasn’t already been said? I wish I could have a baby and give it to you!!! I can’t beleive it. Know that I’m thinking about you all and praying for you all. Lots of love, Lady!
By Mikaela, January 27, 2009 @ 8:48 pm
I know it sounds trite, but I’m unbelievably sorry for your loss. Congratulations to you to find hope in your son’s eyes. Blessings and prayers to all of you!!
By FunnyGal KAT, January 27, 2009 @ 9:01 pm
Wow, life just keeps throwing you curveballs, doesn’t it? But I have to say I admire your attitude and the hope you express despite the tough times. Hang in there!
By Beck S, January 27, 2009 @ 9:36 pm
i’m thinking about you!
By HollowSquirrel, January 28, 2009 @ 12:24 am
I am so sorry, sweetie. So so sorry. Hugs to you, your husband and Seth. If you need anything, please call or email.
By Tammy, January 28, 2009 @ 12:40 am
I’m so sorry … I’m at a loss for words.
Hang in there!
By pgoodness, January 28, 2009 @ 12:41 am
I’m so sorry for your loss.
By Suebob, January 28, 2009 @ 3:44 am
Ah, sweetie. So so sorry. Big hugs from across cyberspace.
By qt, January 28, 2009 @ 4:26 am
I’m so sorry ~ you are in my thoughts.
By Lisa, January 28, 2009 @ 6:09 am
Oh Lisa. I am so, so sorry.
By amy, January 28, 2009 @ 1:34 pm
so sorry.
By Kirsten, January 28, 2009 @ 3:38 pm
I just want to scream NOT FAIR!!!!! Of course, not a lot is. I am so sorry. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
By Stimey, January 28, 2009 @ 6:42 pm
I’m so sorry to read this. So sorry.
By Liz, January 28, 2009 @ 7:12 pm
Much love, always.
By elismsue, January 28, 2009 @ 7:21 pm
I am so sorry to hear about your baby. It hurts to our very core every time it occurs. Prayers and love sent your way.
Sue
By Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah, January 28, 2009 @ 10:22 pm
I am so sorry.
We lost our first baby at 7 weeks.
By The Other Susan, January 28, 2009 @ 10:22 pm
I am so, so sorry to be reading this Lisa. I totally sympathize and can relate to what you are going through. I’ve been through it twice, and it not something I wish to go through ever again. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. (((HUGS)))
By Rachel, January 28, 2009 @ 11:26 pm
I just started reading your blog, but wanted to leave a comment to let you know how sorry I am. I too have had several m/c and know some of the pain you’re feeling. My thoughts are with you.
By Carrie, January 29, 2009 @ 12:27 am
There is no way to articulate how much I wish this hadn’t happened to you. Please, please know that you are in my thoughts and know that we are all here, lifting you up.
By Jacquie, January 29, 2009 @ 5:56 am
It’s been a long while since I commented, so sorry that this had to be the post to bring me out.
Many hugs coming to you all, it’s not an easy time and it’s just so not fair.
After my own m/c someone said to me “bad things happen to good people” and it took me quite a while to realize that it was true. I/we am/are a good person/people and why it had to happen I don’t know.
I hope you take no offense in that statement, I apologize if it does.
By Michelle, January 29, 2009 @ 7:40 pm
Somehow, I am sorry does not seem like enough.
I am without words……..
By Norma, January 30, 2009 @ 2:23 am
This post made me cry. My heart goes out to you, Lisa.
By Grim Reality Girl, January 30, 2009 @ 5:21 am
My heart is broken… I wish there were something I could do to lift this pain from you. Lisa you are never alone in your loss (nor in the joys of this life). I wish your more joys… you are good and deserve them. My prayers go up that you will find comfort. I am so very sorry for your loss.
By mayberry, January 30, 2009 @ 3:11 pm
Oh, Lisa, I have been behind on reading due to some similar crappy news of my own. I know you how long you have been waiting for this little one, and I am so very sorry.
By becky, January 30, 2009 @ 4:33 pm
omg i’m so very sorry. i’ve not been to your blog in a month or more and i had no idea about any of this. ((HUGS))
By Heather @boy, girl, pug, January 30, 2009 @ 4:40 pm
So sorry honey. Been there done that-twice. It sucks and everyone says, well there must have been a reason. Who cares? It still sucks!
Big, huge hugs to all of you.
By Ranger Tom, January 31, 2009 @ 7:07 am
I don’t know what to say…
I’ll say a few prayers for you and your family.
By tubelessinstl, January 31, 2009 @ 7:16 am
the empty feeling after waking up from surgery is the worst. You want to cry, yet the drugs have you unable to so loudly as you need to. silent tears fall. I am sorry you are having to go through this. my heart breaks for you all.
By Annmarie, January 31, 2009 @ 1:01 pm
I am so very sorry for your loss. Please accept my condolences.
By Heather A., January 31, 2009 @ 10:25 pm
I am so sorry to hear that. I have been down that road many times myself, and each time seems to get harder and harder. You are in my prayers.
By HollowSquirrel, February 1, 2009 @ 2:03 am
I hope you’re doing as well as possible. You’ve been in my thoughts.
By Jenna, February 2, 2009 @ 12:17 am
I am so, so sorry… I can’t imagine the pain you and your husband are going through.
By autumn, February 2, 2009 @ 5:10 pm
i don’t know why things like this happen to women like you, or any woman for that matter. but i want to thank you for your hope and optimism. it would be so easy just to give up but then we might miss the next big thing. my sweet, sweet mother-in-law had eight miscarriages but ended up with 13 beautiful children. blessings do await you, i promise.
By Chefdruck, February 3, 2009 @ 9:50 pm
Lisa,
I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I can really relate as I’ve been where you are three times. The pain never gets any easier as you grieve for that bundle of hope. I always hang on to a shred of hope, even after the procedure, that somehow, miraculously, all the tests were wrong. Your post was so beautifully written.
If it brings you any consolation, I have had three miscarriages but have carried three children to term.
Vanessa
By j, February 5, 2009 @ 3:03 am
I’m so, so sorry - my thoughts and prayers are with you.
By Sarah, February 12, 2009 @ 3:55 am
Lisa, I am so, so sorry. Although I can relate, I honestly wish that I could erase this loss for you. *hugs* I’ll be saying a prayer for you and your family.
By Jill, February 16, 2009 @ 6:48 pm
Sorry seems so inadequate, I know. But I’m sorry and I feel so bad to hear your sad news.
By Ree, March 3, 2009 @ 1:57 am
I’m so sorry.