Midwestern Mommy

You find out that your hubby’s ex-girlfriend (aka his high school sweetheart, whom he dated on and off in college then lived with for awhile after college, then dated casually after they broke up, and stopped seeing for good once he started dating you) is a brain surgeon who has helped to develop a brain cancer vaccine.  (So far, the vaccine is still in trial stages but results are promising.)

You think, “holy hell!” And then you… think of the tremendous potential! The lives that might be saved someday. You are really happy and excited for her. You admire her ambition and years of hard work.

And then you do what you’ve done for years… Wonder why in the hell Hubby ever dated/married you because she’s achieved so much! She’s opening up people’s brains! She’s on her way to curing cancer! And she’s pretty! And you? Write a blog and use alot of bathroom humor. (We couldn’t be more different. The only thing we have in common is we’ve both got ovaries, love sushi, and have been driven crazy by the same man - but at different times in our lives. (We should compare hubby’s arguing tactics. Methinks those haven’t changed!)

And then you shrug your shoulders and giggle. Sucker! He could be sitting on his own boat near his super cool summer home wearing shoes with expensive tassels. But nooooo! He’s a suburban-dwelling, working stiff who continually tunes out the screaming woman who bore his spawn. 

And then you silently thank her. Because her motivation and ambition really inspired your hubby all those years ago. She set a great example in finding one’s passion and working tirelessly to achieve a dream.

And then you silently curse her too. Because he inadvertently turned into a work-a-holic.

But overall, you wonder how she’s doing. You hope she’s happy. You want her to know she’ll always have a place in his heart. How could she not? You understand. You’re okay with that.

And then you…kiss your little man’s scrape, scrub the sink, vacuum the steps, feed the dog, field some phone calls and make dinner.

I’m so sorry I haven’t been reading too many (if any) blogs lately. The last few weeks have been crazy. (Like the time I had five writing deadlines, made three trips to the doctor and one trip to the vet in the course of 5 days.) As I look at my day planner, I see things aren’t going to quiet down much for awhile. (Paying gigs take precedence.) I miss you all. I miss your stories and hearing what’s going on. Please don’t “write me off” yet. I haven’t forgotten about you all!  I’m trying the best I can!

The last few days our house has smelled funky. And I don’t mean that in a good, fun way. This foul odor filled our main floor and seemed to radiate within the kitchen/breakfast nook area. So I did what any other slackin’ yet harried mom does.

At first, I blamed the dog, ocassionally muttering swear words under my breath while shooting her dirty looks. (I would have blamed the hubby but he had been out of town.)

The dog had recently been to the vet. Steroids were prescribed. I had assumed the meds were upsetting her digestive track. Sassy dog turned into gassy dog. And she has no shame! She’ll sit on the couch, let them rip and not even give you a sheepish glance. Didn’t she get the memo that we women don’t do things like that?

So yesterday when the stink reached epic proportions, I took out the trash and opened tons of windows. Within a few hours, the smell had vanished. Victory!  That is, until I closed the windows again for the evening and realized the stink had come back.

Late last night (ok, early this morning) as I sat at the kitchen table typing away, engulfed in the smell, I looked over at the bamboo plant that’s kept in a big vase with pretty rocks and lots of water.  Well, duh. Several of the rocks were covered in mold. Ick! Being that mold is one of those 25 things I’m allergic to? That would explain the last two weeks of headaches that wouldn’t go away. Once I put the plant outside, the smell magically disappeared.

I’m feeling really guilty for assuming Abbeydog had that sort of pooting power. So I threw her a piece of deli ham and we agreed to call it “even.”

So the moral of the story is… If there’s a stink in the house you might want to check the bamboo plant before you blame the dog — or any other critters within your home.   

Once upon a time, many years ago, there lived a sweet little pup by the name of Abbey. Abbey was a needy little creature of almost nine months. Being that her daddy traveled quite a bit, Abbey would follow him all over the house whenever he was home.

 Earlier on a fateful Saturday, unbeknown to Abbey, her daddy had eaten White Castle on the sly. She had no idea that White Castle + human alpha male = stink of epic proportion. (It was so bad, he was banned from eating the greasy yummies unless he was out of town.) A few hours after his feast, when the daddy felt the urge to “go”, he went to the bathroom.

Needy pup followed only to get the door closed in her face. She whined a bit. Her dad finally relented and let her in. She didn’t realize he’d done so while laughing evilly.

Dogs have an acute sense of smell, yes? 

After a few minutes, the odor got to be too much for the poor pup. At first she started to whine softly. Then she began to paw at the door in desperation. She wanted out. She could take no more! She whined louder. She scratched at the door with more fervor.

 The alpha male laughed manically.

 Just when the poor pup thought she could take no more, he flushed, washed, then let her out of her hell. She shot out the door as if her tail was on fire. She didn’t go near him the rest of the day.

Abbey learned a painful lesson. And to this day, she won’t go into a bathroom with her daddy.

I’m pretty sure that if Abbey could talk she’d tell you herself that being a homeless itty bitty puppy with worms (before we adopted her) was far easier than being stuck in that bathroom with her dad. In fact, even at the ripe ole age of nine, she’d probably still shudder from the memory.

Need some advice? Abbeydog answers all sorts of questions posted by a myriad of mammals.  So if you (or the critters within your household) have a question, ask away in the comment section.

Dear Abbey,

How do I find a stylist that’s right for me?

– N in FL 

Dear N,

This is a tough question indeed. I always say a good stylist is worth their weight in bacon. When I leave the PetCo salon, I am shiny, sassy and ready to take over everyone’s back yard. A good stylist should have some experience caring for your hair type. She should also be able to take your lifestyle into account as well as examine your scalp and make product recommendations.  She should definitely provide a free bandanna afterwards. Nothing makes me feel more prancy than wearing an adorable bandanna.

Love and cold puppy noses — Abbey

Dear Abbey,

My husband and I have decided we don’t want any more children. A vasectomy has just been scheduled. Do you think this is a good idea?

– N in New Jersey 

Dear N,

You know what they say, if you don’t want any more baby critters running around (whether they are of the two or four-legged variety) it is always a good idea to get your “pet” fixed. Plus, according to certain websites, neutering males makes them more affectionate companions. They are less likely to roam, get into fights, or run away with that slutty bitch (who ALWAYS seems to be in heat) a few doors down. But the downside? He may gain some weight afterwards. In that case, you may have to change how often you feed him.

Love and cold puppy noses — Abbey

Dear Abbey,

My teen loves to blast that god-awful rock music. It is horrid. What do you suggest?

–A, Michigan

Dear A,

 I feel you on that one. Some of that stuff is just painful to listen to — especially for those of us with finely-tuned hearing. Have you ever heard that adage, “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em?” The next time you hear all of that loud noise? Start howling along. The louder, the better. And if your beta pup has friends over? Sit outside his door and howl. He might yell at you but don’t be deterred. (But if he throws an old shoe at you, you have every right to leave a nice, steaming present outside his door, if ya know what I’m saying.)  Eventually, he WILL “get” the message.

Love and cold puppy noses — Abbey

Being that Abbey is entering her 60’s (in dog years), she can do that.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Mrs. G has inspired a whole mess of us to do a post on our favorite things. Being that in the past two days “the boy” cut holes in three of his shirts, used a scissors to carve several vertical and even more horizontal lines in the kitchen table, then scratched a 12 inch vertical line in our new stainless steel fridge AND rolled his eyes at me as I punished him (then spit on the carpet later on) he’s on a much different list today. Today, Abbeydog, our sweet yet sassy pup is numero uno on my favorite things list. So is her new column. Even if she does question my intelligence from time to time.

 Dear Abbey,

You’re my last hope. for the past seven months my humans have coo’d and swooned over my yellowy deliciousness. They have curled on my sofa with me, fed me delicious things, taken me for outings in the car, showed me off to all their friends. I live in doggy heaven. But all that changed today. They brought a puppy into my kitchen. it licked my bone toy. it stood in my water bowl. they picked is up and snuggled it and marvelled at it’s honeycomb glow. They laughed when it jumped up and bit my lip. It followed me into my garden. It snuffled my guinea pig. My life is over. Please help.

Rose (dog of this blogger)

Dear Rose,

I feel your pain. One day AlphaBitch (I say that with love, people. I love my mom. So I let her be the Alpha bitch.) came home with the UGLIEST little puppy I’d ever seen! It was pink and hairless and screamed alot. (Things only got worse once it could crawl.) It is NOT fun when some other critter steals YOUR spotlight.

I keep waiting for AlphaMale and AlphaBitch to change their minds, but its been FIVE YEARS. So I guess this Seth pup, ain’t leavin’. But the newest critter in the clan can bring some unexpected benefits. Like if you’re in a room with him or her? You can fart then nonchallantly walk away. And when one of your Alphas come into the room, they will blame some other critter.

Also? An extra pup around means more food! And extra treats too!

Hopefully this new pup at your house will learn his/her place — unlike the hairless one at mine!

Dear Abbey,

You are such a wise dog. Please tell me - why does Lisa’s site load so slowly? And what can I do about it?

Thanks!

Heidi

Dear Heidi,

I don’t know anything about computers. But my guess is — between you and me? Alphabitch is… well, not the quickest digger in the pack.

One night, I got bored sitting in her office while she was typing. I went into the very dark hallway and sprawled out to make myself comfortable. When she finished her work, she turned off the office light, walked out and tripped over me. Geez! I mean, really… How could she not see me in the dark? What’s wrong with her night vision?

She’s revamped her site, photos, and has taken certain thingees off of her site in an effort to get things to “load” faster. She may be dumb as a cat but unlike a feline, she’s really sorry for the aggravation.

Dear Abbey,

Is it ok to beat my teen daughters with a newspaper if they yelp too much?

Signed,

Tired of the bitches

Dear Tired,

I see what you’re getting at here. Your an Alpha who’s getting tired of trying to keep the pups in line. This is one of those times where I’m thankful I’m I fixed.

You know what I like to do? I take one of Alpha bitch’s favorite shoes out of the closet. And I bring it downstairs into the middle of the living room for her to see as soon as she gets home. The boot is always unharmed. I wouldn’t call this a, ah, threat, per say. I like to think of it more as friendly message. You keep me cooped up in this house any longer? The boot gets it.

Try that with THEIR shoes. Course if they don’t get the message? You can get them one of those lines and tether them outside. Its best to ensure they have enough slack so that they can sit under a nearby tree for shade. Don’t forget the water.

Or if they “bark” too much and too loudly? There’s always those shock collars…

Are you having trouble keeping track of your pack of critters?  DayRunner’s Family Matters organizational system might be just the thing you’re looking for. Check out this site for a review. Or you can even check Parent Bloggers Network for more opinions and insights.

*Sorry the page was taking so long to load. Tis’ fixed. Thank you to this lovely lady and this lovely lady for letting me know.

Abbeydog has decided to take a break from her busy schedule of being antagonized by “the boy”, laying on the couch and chasing squirrels in the backyard. In her almost 9 years on this earth, she’s learned lots. And she’d like to pass her wisdom along to others. So if you are in need of beauty, fashion, love, relationship or etiquette advice, leave a comment. She’ll get back to you later.

Dear Abbey,

I have tried EVERYTHING I can think of to lose weight. I eat right. I exercise. But still those stubborn extra pounds remain. Help!

– S. in St. Louis

Dear S.

I feel your pain. I gained a few pounds after the family and I moved to this new ‘hood. But I have to tell you, the only time I lose weight is when I stop eating people food. Seriously. When the fam stops sharing the leftovers, I am forced to eat that nasty crap they call kibble. Do you KNOW how that’s stuff is made? Blech. Just one sniff is enough to keep my munchies at bay. The only time I eat it is if I’m positively starving. It definitely prevents me from snacking in-between meals. Maybe substituting your people food with kibble will shrink your bits, if ya know what I mean.

Love and cold puppy noses,

Abbey.

Dear Abbey,

I met this guy who works at Starbucks. I come in for coffee each day just so I can talk to him. He seems to like me. But he still hasn’t asked me out on a date. And since I’m 18 and Starbucks is expensive, I’m running out of money. What can I do to get him to ask me out? Or at the very least get a free coffee?

 – A in Illinois

Dear A,

This one is simple. Young male pups (whether they are of the canine or humane variety) sometimes fear rejection. The next time you talk to him, look at his tail. Is it tucked between his legs or wagging furiously? If he’s the shy type, you should let him know of your friendly interest by giving him a nice long butt sniffing. Course this might also be the way you get yourself that free coffee.

Love and cold puppy noses.

Abbey

Because we are easily amused and have no lives, (Ok. Ok. Because I’m easily amused and have no life) we (as in “me”) coordinate the dog’s Halloween costume with the boy’s each year.

May I present the Jedi (He’s Obi Wan) and Princess Leia. Why yes, she IS wearing the famous double buns sported by Leia back in the day. They are very difficult to see.

Happy Halloween and hope you get lots of candy and have a ton of fun.

P.S. If you’ve got kids that need school uniforms, check out the Head of the Class. Being that the owners have three boys, they understand the need for quality clothing (that holds up to wear and tear) at affordable prices. They’ve poured lots of love and energy into this business. No doubt in my mind that they will take fabulous care of you. (And no, I’m not being paid for the ad nor am I being paid to say this. I’m doing it because they are friends of ours — they are amazing people offering a great product.) Plus? A portion of your purchase goes toward your school! How cool is that?

Watch out my love,” Seth whispers softly as he maneuvers past, carrying a large cardboard box.

 Touched by his kind words I reply, “Oh, that’s a very sweet way to…”

 ”I wasn’t talking to YOU,” he interrupts, visibly irritated. “I was talking to ABBEY.”

 I make a beeline to the computer to document this moment. (Because my first thought of course is, “I am SO blogging about this.”) As I do so, this five-year-old brings his sleeping bag into my office. Not wanting to miss out on any action, Abbeydog follows. Seth drops the sleeping bag down then smooths it out. The dog plops down next to him.

“Sit here my love,” he says.

I stifle a giggle. 

Clearly he’s forgotten exactly WHO is in charge of the candy buying and cookie-making at our house.

Hopefully Abbeydog lapped up this kindness because when tomorrow morning beckons, she’ll find the boy playing with his light saber and bored. And she will get poked and antagonized — just like any other day.

Fergie watch out. There’s a new bitch in town. She’s hot, has never had a meth addiction and? She has a song of her own… But just a little FYI to you squirrels and bunnies out there. Watch your back cause this ‘ho can eff you up! I’m talking ’bout the one and only Abbeydog, aka “Doodles”, or “Abbalicous“. So without further ado…

Listen up ya’ll, Cuz this is it
The beat that I’m barking is not vicious [Abbey]
Abbalicious definition make them boy dogs go loco
They want my treasure so they get their kicks from sniffin’ my butthole
You can lick me, you can sniff me
But I ain’t easy, I ain’t sleazy
I got reasons why I tease ‘em
Boy dogs in heat and for no reason
[Hook] Abbalicious (so delicious)
But I ain’t promiscuous
I’ll be your friend if ya got biscuits.
My spots are real and not fictitious
Where’s my treats? (mmmwwahhh)
I might sniff your crotch, crotch
Give me a bellyrub, I’ll show you what I got

[Chorus] So delicious (It’s hot, hot)
Doodle-icious (I put them boys on rock, rock)
So delicious (they wanna sniff of what I got)
I’m Abbalicious (Got black spots on my tongue check, it, check it out)