Midwestern Mommy

So “the boy” wants to be a rock-star when he grows up. He has no other career plans as of late. So we decided that if he wants to “rock the house”? He probably needs to, you know, learn a musical instrument.

He was angling for the drums or the electric guitar. We made a deal. He can have the coveted electric guitar when he turns eight IF he sticks with the guitar lessons. So now he’s learning the strings and notes. Watching him jam out with his itty bitty guitar while making up songs about soccer, Star Wars, cats, the Wii, the dog, and his best friends? Cuteness of legendary proportions. 

But if he ever hits the big time, I’ll probably have to stop calling him “Bunny” – especially in front of his bandmates, manager and groupies. Because, you know, how badass is it when your mom walks into a room and says things like, “Bunny! Wash your hands before you eat anything in Saturday Night Live’s Green Room. And don’t leave crumbs on their sofa” Or, “Bunny! Did you put your dirty underwear in the hamper while you were in the tour bus? I’m not picking it up for you!”

Perhaps I’m over-exaggerating on those points, but I can totally see me saying, “You lost your pic pouch again? Bunny! You’re 24 years old. I’m not always going to be around to keep track of that for you!” Or, “You shouldn’t wear your black leather pants that tight. Everyone’s can see your ‘junk’. Besides, I want grandchildren someday.”

He already gets the “drugs make you do stupid things so don’t ever do them” spiel every now and again. But if he starts performing in front of an audience of non-relatives, I may have to give him the “keep it in your pants and stay away from skanky ho’s” speech.

Don’t think I won’t.

Congrats to Tanyetta for winning the FREE box of My Fruit-Roll Ups.

Oh and if you’re looking for a tropical family vacation idea, click on Midwestern Mommy Reviews .

This afternoon, I have a date with a feisty and funny friend named Dana. (No, not the funny and feisty blogger friend named Dana. Although the two do have lots in common which is probably why I love ‘em both!) It has been decided that we will do a little something called “margarita hair.”

Margarita hair:  Your beloved friend who used to “do hair” (or “hahhhrrr” as some say around these parts) for a living will highligh/color your “hahhhrrr” at her house while you both drink margaritas and your kids run amok and eat junk.

I’m looking foward to the experience, as is “the boy”. (He loves her kids. And her trampoline.)

Being that I’ve been a blondy-girl all my life, the decided color is far different– a warm brunette. Been wanting to do it for awhile now. (Yes!    All     of      you      super     hot      brunettes      have      truly      inspired     me. )

So by 6:30 tonight, I’ll either be laughing, crying, or both. Will I bemoan the color I chose? Is combining alcohol with hair color a bad idea? 

Stay tuned…

Have a little review of The Zula Patrol’s “Explore Space!” dvd on behalf of the Parent Bloggers Network at Midwestern Mommy today. Go ‘head. Have a looky-loo. There’s a virtual margarita in it for you!

(This post is dedicated to Marty, who just gave birth to a little boy as well as Julie, who’s pregnant with a little boy.) 

There are certain things about parenting a little boy that you don’t think about when you’ve got one “in the oven” and are lovingly folding little blue onesies in anticipation.

Like how little boy babies smell so sweet. But that scent wears off as they grow. And soon, you find that sweaty little boy smells alot like wet puppy.

Or how a man’s love for the remote control starts as an infant. See this pic? (Click on it to enlarge.)  That’s how we got Seth to roll over. Put the remote control JUST out of his reach. 

You probably already know that little boys LOVE their wieners. And how as toddlers, if they aren’t playing with it, they are showing it off. A bath for a toddler boy just means quality time with the wiener without impediments. Some little boys, (I won’t mention names) even like to sleep with one hand in their pants. My only guess is that they are trying to ensure their beloved body part isn’t stolen by some hapless creature with penis envy in the thick of night.

And of course there’s that time when those little boys are finally potty trained. A novice mom like me rejoiced thinking this would mean less work. But a mom who’s been down this path knows better.  (She might not tell you this but I will.) Little boys have HORRIBLE aim. Actually, alot of MEN have horrible aim. This just means that instead of changing a diaper? You are wiping down walls, the side of the vanity, natches in the trim, the toilet, underneath the bowl, the sides of the toilet, the wastebasket, and the toilet paper holder and the floor. If your child has some serious “water pressure”? You may even be wiping down the sink or mirror. In this case, hardwood floors aren’t really a good idea.  Oy.

But those little boys sure are cute. And cuddly. And loving. Be prepared for the marriage proposals your young Oedipus will make as well as the countless dandelions he will diligently pick for you on a summer day. Be prepared for the way he will rush to your defense if you’re pretending to the “the queen” and his dad is “the bad guy” trying to kidnap you. Sure, he might mention your “biiiiiigggg butt” now and again, but he’ll also say things like “You are the prettiest mommy eber” then kiss your nose. What woman can resist that?

And should your son become interested Star Wars? I’m telling you right now… There’s no such thing as “too many” light sabers.

Apparently some art school student is selling off her school project on Craigslist. Wow. Craigslist really DOES have everything. (To see various pics go HERE.) Here’s the ad write-up. Don’t know if she’s found a buyer.

“For Sale - beautiful pink “vagina couch” that I made in art school and no longer have space for. The couch is large: measures 5′ 3 long, 3′ 3 wide at the middle, and stands 2′ 3 tall (and is heavy like a couch). The pics are from my portfolio and are several years old; as a result, the couch has some scuffmarks and stains around the bottom from being moved, but otherwise is in excellent shape. A professional upholsterer helped me build the couch, so it is also functional and durable as a piece of furniture. The couch must be picked up in Mendocino, a 3-hour drive north of SF. I am asking for $600 and a loving home!”

Wow, that vagina couch would go GREAT in our living room. Now, to find a penis-shaped entertainment center and end tables shaped like testicles! (I would buy it just to make my parents and siblings squirm.) But alas, San Fran is a bit too far… (Maybe Fog City Mommy will buy it? Suebob, are you a few hour’s drive away? What about you? heehee.)

I can’t wait to hear what everyone has to say on this! No pressure er nothin’.

Need some advice? Abbeydog answers all sorts of questions posted by a myriad of mammals.  So if you (or the critters within your household) have a question, ask away in the comment section.

Dear Abbey,

How do I find a stylist that’s right for me?

– N in FL 

Dear N,

This is a tough question indeed. I always say a good stylist is worth their weight in bacon. When I leave the PetCo salon, I am shiny, sassy and ready to take over everyone’s back yard. A good stylist should have some experience caring for your hair type. She should also be able to take your lifestyle into account as well as examine your scalp and make product recommendations.  She should definitely provide a free bandanna afterwards. Nothing makes me feel more prancy than wearing an adorable bandanna.

Love and cold puppy noses — Abbey

Dear Abbey,

My husband and I have decided we don’t want any more children. A vasectomy has just been scheduled. Do you think this is a good idea?

– N in New Jersey 

Dear N,

You know what they say, if you don’t want any more baby critters running around (whether they are of the two or four-legged variety) it is always a good idea to get your “pet” fixed. Plus, according to certain websites, neutering males makes them more affectionate companions. They are less likely to roam, get into fights, or run away with that slutty bitch (who ALWAYS seems to be in heat) a few doors down. But the downside? He may gain some weight afterwards. In that case, you may have to change how often you feed him.

Love and cold puppy noses — Abbey

Dear Abbey,

My teen loves to blast that god-awful rock music. It is horrid. What do you suggest?

–A, Michigan

Dear A,

 I feel you on that one. Some of that stuff is just painful to listen to — especially for those of us with finely-tuned hearing. Have you ever heard that adage, “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em?” The next time you hear all of that loud noise? Start howling along. The louder, the better. And if your beta pup has friends over? Sit outside his door and howl. He might yell at you but don’t be deterred. (But if he throws an old shoe at you, you have every right to leave a nice, steaming present outside his door, if ya know what I’m saying.)  Eventually, he WILL “get” the message.

Love and cold puppy noses — Abbey

This morning as Seth was filling Abbeydog’s food dish, I happened upon quite a little scene.

Seth was bent over. I could tell he was “going commando” by the way his jeans hung. Those jeans revealed at least two inches of  what we like to call “little bunny buttcrack.” Nestled in between those little cheeks was a giant Pixie Stick we’d gotten a few days ago when we gave some spare change to a man soliciting donations for his church.

That big ole’ Pixie Stick, still packed with sugary goodness, has seen alot of action these past few days. It has mostly been a used as a Star Wars light saber and wand, ala Harry Potter. That is, until this morning.

“Bun,” I said. (And yes, he still lets me call him “Bun” or “Bunny”.)  “Why do you have a Pixie Stick down the back of your pants?”

“Because,” he said emphatically. “That’s my TAIL.”

Oh…

Later on he told me he was a Jedi Knight — with a tail.

Needless to stay that’s one Pixie Stick that’s definitely not going to be ingested.

(And yes, I really did keep track this week.)

“I don’t care what kind of a bad guy you are. My underwear does NOT belong on your head.”

“Abbeydog is not interested in wearing your underwear. Stop trying to put it on her head too.”

“Stop chasing the dog with your light saber.”

“Stop trying to touch the dog’s butt with the light saber.”

(While watching Star Wars) “That’s not Darth Vader — that’s his twin brother Garth Vader. Garth is the nice guy. He rides a unicorn and is friends with all of the flower people on the planet “Sissy Pants” (It really makes him angry when I say this, but I do it anyway… Just to mess with him.)

“Yes, really. Would I lie to you?” (The unspoken answer to that would be, “Yes. I would lie to you. I’m your mom. I can do that.”)

“Of course Wookies exist.”

“I see you left your homework folder AND your listening ears at school.”

“I’m sorry but I can’t in good conscious call you “Speed” when it takes you five whole minutes to put on your seat belt.”

“Its not Ollie Whine Cannoli - Its Obe Wan Cannelloni” (Yeah, I know its wrong.)

“If you use a scissor to put one more hole in any of your shirts, I’m going to start sending you to school naked.”

“No, its not funny when you pee in the trashcan, on the wall or on the trim behind the toilet.”

So what are some of the things YOU have found yourself saying this past week?

P.S. My lovely sis-in-law, Nic sent me a link to this blog. Highly amusing. Check it out.

Mrs. G has inspired a whole mess of us to do a post on our favorite things. Being that in the past two days “the boy” cut holes in three of his shirts, used a scissors to carve several vertical and even more horizontal lines in the kitchen table, then scratched a 12 inch vertical line in our new stainless steel fridge AND rolled his eyes at me as I punished him (then spit on the carpet later on) he’s on a much different list today. Today, Abbeydog, our sweet yet sassy pup is numero uno on my favorite things list. So is her new column. Even if she does question my intelligence from time to time.

 Dear Abbey,

You’re my last hope. for the past seven months my humans have coo’d and swooned over my yellowy deliciousness. They have curled on my sofa with me, fed me delicious things, taken me for outings in the car, showed me off to all their friends. I live in doggy heaven. But all that changed today. They brought a puppy into my kitchen. it licked my bone toy. it stood in my water bowl. they picked is up and snuggled it and marvelled at it’s honeycomb glow. They laughed when it jumped up and bit my lip. It followed me into my garden. It snuffled my guinea pig. My life is over. Please help.

Rose (dog of this blogger)

Dear Rose,

I feel your pain. One day AlphaBitch (I say that with love, people. I love my mom. So I let her be the Alpha bitch.) came home with the UGLIEST little puppy I’d ever seen! It was pink and hairless and screamed alot. (Things only got worse once it could crawl.) It is NOT fun when some other critter steals YOUR spotlight.

I keep waiting for AlphaMale and AlphaBitch to change their minds, but its been FIVE YEARS. So I guess this Seth pup, ain’t leavin’. But the newest critter in the clan can bring some unexpected benefits. Like if you’re in a room with him or her? You can fart then nonchallantly walk away. And when one of your Alphas come into the room, they will blame some other critter.

Also? An extra pup around means more food! And extra treats too!

Hopefully this new pup at your house will learn his/her place — unlike the hairless one at mine!

Dear Abbey,

You are such a wise dog. Please tell me - why does Lisa’s site load so slowly? And what can I do about it?

Thanks!

Heidi

Dear Heidi,

I don’t know anything about computers. But my guess is — between you and me? Alphabitch is… well, not the quickest digger in the pack.

One night, I got bored sitting in her office while she was typing. I went into the very dark hallway and sprawled out to make myself comfortable. When she finished her work, she turned off the office light, walked out and tripped over me. Geez! I mean, really… How could she not see me in the dark? What’s wrong with her night vision?

She’s revamped her site, photos, and has taken certain thingees off of her site in an effort to get things to “load” faster. She may be dumb as a cat but unlike a feline, she’s really sorry for the aggravation.

Dear Abbey,

Is it ok to beat my teen daughters with a newspaper if they yelp too much?

Signed,

Tired of the bitches

Dear Tired,

I see what you’re getting at here. Your an Alpha who’s getting tired of trying to keep the pups in line. This is one of those times where I’m thankful I’m I fixed.

You know what I like to do? I take one of Alpha bitch’s favorite shoes out of the closet. And I bring it downstairs into the middle of the living room for her to see as soon as she gets home. The boot is always unharmed. I wouldn’t call this a, ah, threat, per say. I like to think of it more as friendly message. You keep me cooped up in this house any longer? The boot gets it.

Try that with THEIR shoes. Course if they don’t get the message? You can get them one of those lines and tether them outside. Its best to ensure they have enough slack so that they can sit under a nearby tree for shade. Don’t forget the water.

Or if they “bark” too much and too loudly? There’s always those shock collars…

Are you having trouble keeping track of your pack of critters?  DayRunner’s Family Matters organizational system might be just the thing you’re looking for. Check out this site for a review. Or you can even check Parent Bloggers Network for more opinions and insights.

About a year ago, during Seth’s playdate with an adorable little girl, the two decided to play a new game. The young lass, who loved all things Disney Princess, wanted to be “Ariel”, from The Little Mermaid. Seth was to be her honey, “Eric”.

At some point, there was a communication glitch. For some reason, Seth began calling his friend ”Areola.”

At one point, she realized he wasn’t calling her the correct name. But apparently, she liked the new name better. I guess it seemed more exotic or something. Because whenever she came over, she continued to be “Areola, the little mermaid”.

And I continued to fluctuate between, “Should I tell her that’s a name for a boobie body part or should I just let it go because that makes me laugh out loud every time.” To be honest, I let it go for awhile. Basically because I needed a good laugh. But at one point, I told her that “Ariel” was a much prettier name for a princess and that ”Areola” was really the name of Ariel’s stinky pet hamster. And no one really knows about the hamster because it farted so much, they couldn’t include the hamster in the movie. 

God only knows what she told her parents that night at the dinner table. But after that, “Ariel” returned. We never heard about “Areola” again.

Because we are easily amused and have no lives, (Ok. Ok. Because I’m easily amused and have no life) we (as in “me”) coordinate the dog’s Halloween costume with the boy’s each year.

May I present the Jedi (He’s Obi Wan) and Princess Leia. Why yes, she IS wearing the famous double buns sported by Leia back in the day. They are very difficult to see.

Happy Halloween and hope you get lots of candy and have a ton of fun.

P.S. If you’ve got kids that need school uniforms, check out the Head of the Class. Being that the owners have three boys, they understand the need for quality clothing (that holds up to wear and tear) at affordable prices. They’ve poured lots of love and energy into this business. No doubt in my mind that they will take fabulous care of you. (And no, I’m not being paid for the ad nor am I being paid to say this. I’m doing it because they are friends of ours — they are amazing people offering a great product.) Plus? A portion of your purchase goes toward your school! How cool is that?

(First off? Some background.)

You know how baby experts love to say, “Sing to your baby. Even if you are off key, its ok. Your baby will LOVE the sound of your voice?” Well, when I sang to my baby. He’d cry harder. When he was old enough to speak, he’d scream, “Noooooo, Maaa-eee. Noooooo”. (In fact if the boy is meandering around and I’m running low on patience? All I have to say is, “If you don’t get going, I’m gonna start singing…” And it always makes him pick up his pace.)

In other words, I am a sucky singer. And the last thing I want to do is subject society to me croaking along to “Barbie Girl.” SO without further ado…

 Things I would do before I EVER sing Karaoke

1.) Attend six back-to-back catholic wedding masses without a bathroom break.

2.) Have sex with our creepy mailman.

3.) Package, produce and distribute my own homemade sex tape (with creepy, old mailman).

4.) Give said sex tape as a Christmas gift to my husband, parents, siblings and in-laws.  

5.) Make it my life’s work to convince every person on the planet that Tom Cruise is, indeed, straight.

6.) Become Ann Colture’s presidential campaign manager consequently, spending our life savings trying to get her elected.

7.) Lick my dog’s butt (Oh wait. Let’s rethink that… Nope. I’d lick my dog’s but before I’d sing karaoke or even become Ann Colture’s campaign manager, now that I think about it.)

8.) Pick someone else’s nose.

9.) Swallow the clumps of used chewing tobacco my husband likes to occasionally leave in various cups around the house. (Gag.)

10. Become a proctologist and offer free exams to close relatives.

Dear Viola Trash Service,

Although our account is up-to-date, you haven’t been picking up our trash for weeks now. You haven’t been returning my phone calls either. But you DID make time to send me a bill for the next three months of service. Are you f*cking kidding me?

A hex upon thee: May your air-conditioning system fail while clogged toilets spew sewage all over the floors thereby causing a noxious stink that, due to the heat, bakes into every porous surface. And? May everyone violently gag when entering said workplace (for at least five minutes at a time) for no less than SIX MONTHS.

Other that? Love and cold puppy noses, 

Lisa

Dear Quest Labs,

A few weeks ago you drew FIVE vials of my blood.  I made an appointment for 4:50 p.m. because one of the tests required I have my blood drawn after 5 p.m. You close then. So I scheduled it as late as I could. I got there on time. One of your employees was so quick to get out of there, she gave me slews of dirty looks. I was easily out by 5 p.m. But apparently, in her haste to get her drink on, the vials were lost.

 You apparently have “no record” of my tests, vials of blood, or that I was even there, according to my doctor’s office. So please explain to me… WHY did I just get a bill for the supposed testing of that blood today? WTF!

A hex upon thee: May you get an unexpected, enormously heavy period while wearing white pants and no undies early into a hot date with a new guy. And may you be in that place without a tampon.

Love and cold puppy noses, 

Lisa

P.S. Are you or any of your fellow blog buds sending your kiddos off to kindergarten in a few weeks? Please let me know.