In a few days, hordes of women will descend upon San Francisco for BlogHer. Many will party like rock-stars. (’Specially the women who are away from their children for several days.) There will be laughter, girl shrieks, lots of fun, cool swag, and probably sprinkles of drama/controversy thrown in for good measure. And I’m gonna miss it. I’m bummed.

But I have good reasons for missing it this year. All financial. Exhibit A. The rotting porch/posts that need to be fixed to the tune of several thousand dollars.

And Exhibit B. This is the rotting retaining wall that needs to be fixed. (Along the lines of $11,000-15,000 — if we’re lucky.) OUCH.

Also? Hubby needs a different vehicle. Oh and guess what? We’re in the process of finalizing a will and trust. (Holy Hell!Those are so NOT cheap!)

So financially strapped are we.*** (Ramen noodles for everyone!) But this is probably a good thing for YOU since I get really nervous around people I don’t know and inadvertently pile on the make-up in hopes of making a good impression. (Probably to compensate for my lack of self-esteem and confidence?) And then I end up looking like a tranny clown. Add to this the fact that I’m guaranteed at least one migraine due to the schedule upheaval/flight and wham! I end up looking like a cracked-out tranny clown. Oh yeay!

But you all will bring back great stories and photos, right? RIGHT? Have fun.

*** Please don’t take this post to mean I’m boo-hooing over our financial stuff. I knew we’d have a bunch of big ticket items coming up and have been planning accordingly. 

Oh and there’s a post over at Midwestern Mommy Reviews about yaknow…. Leakage. And how it sucks and is embarrassing. It also includes one woman’s issue and her quest to find a better answer. You know, instead of suffering then letting the doctor blow you off

My heart is so heavy these days. 

I have a difficult enough time sleeping. But when I travel its far worse. I’m really weird about noise, pillows, texture of blankets, mattresses and a few other things. Usually I don’t manage more than an hour or two a night when on the road. After awhile the stress of being in a new place and no sleep wear on me. My routine is disrupted, I don’t get any time to myself, and I get really edgy and bitchy. I usually end up with at least one migraine during a trip and several after the trip. (Ask poor Kristie. She was my BlogHer roommate.)

Before the trip I was completely stressed. Things only got worse while on the trip. I took on some projects I thought I could finish while on the trip. I vastly overestimated the time I MIGHT have to get these projects done. I barely slept and had a super nasty migraine over the course of the trip. Honestly, I was ready to go home 12 hours after I got there. And no offense to Texas. Ya’ll have great weather but I seem to get this way anywhere I go these days.

During our last day in Texas, my cell phone died in the middle of a conversation with Marc. Our flight got cancelled. I got angry. Because he was trying to make back up arrangements, he was late in picking us up (he dropped us off at a movie while he went to a meeting). And I when my son asked why daddy wasn’t there yet (we’d be waiting almost three hours.) I had no idea and I assumed the worst. I said something very mean and unfair about Marc which Seth repeated within minutes of seeing Marc.

To make matters worse, I felt betrayed by my son for saying this to Marc. I know! He’s five. How stupid. I had no right to badmouth my husband in front of my son, let alone feel hurt by what Seth repeated to his father. The next day I made my son feel guilty for relaying my comment to Marc.

Oh and did I mention that at one point while in the car with Seth and Marc (we ended up driving home. Yes! At least 11 hours in a car — all of those miles covered in about 20 hours.) Seth was talking and I yelled at him to “Shut up.”

God, I can be so ugly and mean. And I’m so horrified and ashamed. I hadn’t packed enough meds for an extra day so that meant no sleep and a raging migraine. I hurt so bad I seriously thought I should go to the hospital. Most of my energy was directed at not throwing up. Turns out I have a nasty sinus infection now which was probably a reason as to why I was feeling so crappy before as well as during the trip.

My husband is really angry and disgusted with me. I patched things up with Seth but my marriage seems as if it might not recover from this. There have been other fights through the years and I think we are both so tired of fighting. I don’t know how to fix this. I fear its a permanent rift between us. And that really scares and saddens me.

My migraines, sinus issues, and insomnia don’t help. Because there are times, after a good week or so of not sleeping and feeling almost constant pain, I start to feel like a raw, exposed nerve. I seriously start to wonder if I’m on the cusps if I’m losing my mind. I start feeling shakey and sick and weak. My husband doesn’t understand what it is like to live with constant pain. (But I can see how it would suck to live with me.) I start to get depressed. I’ve tried all sorts of medications to help. So far what I’m on now has been the best way to stave off migraines but even the meds are no match for all of the triggers that can set off a migraine. (It is better now. But I still get weeks where I’ll have 4-6 migraines in one week.)

But insomnia, sinus issues, and migraines aside, I feel so ashamed of my behavior to the two men I love dearly. When I apologized to Seth again today he said, “Don’t worry mom. You were just having a few bad days.” I feel like I don’t deserve his love. Even now, the whole thing just reduces me to tears. And I’m working on taking some steps that will hopefully prove to be constructive. I feel like I’ve sunk to an all time low. I didn’t control my frustration and got irrationally angry. And I took it out on two people I love the most.

So I’m sorry about not visiting. I’m sorry this is so heavy and depressing. I’m sorry I can be so toxic. Trolls, or anyone for that matter, if you want to tell me what a horrible bitch I am, you are more than welcomed to. Because I deserve it. I did act like a totally selfish, horrible, ugly, hateful person. And I’m so horrified. But I just wanted to let you guys know why I haven’t been around. I felt like I owed ya’ll an explanation.

Oh and I wrote a review for Building Bobland Bay for Parent Bloggers Network. If you are interested click HERE.

I was talking to a mom at Seth’s preschool today who gets migraines too. She said hers is related to her sinuses. I felt like the clouds parted and a choir of angles was singing, “Ahhhh-mennnn” because for quite some time I’d insist to my neurologist that my migraine dramas were sinus-related. The good doctor would look at me like I was a moron and tell me there was no connection between the two. Then he’d prescribe some anti-seizure, beta blocker, antidepressant, or anti-anxiety med that would render me dazed and confused (ok, more so than normal) and I’d STILL get a bunch of migraines.

She went on to tell me she’s had some sort of surgery to “roto-root” her sinuses. (The fact that she used the words “roto-root” made me adore her ever the more.) She said they made her migraines a bit better. I’m going to try to get her doctor’s name at some point here and look into that. Cause these days I’m up several times a night just because there’s so much pain and pressure in my face that if I don’t take more Benadryl and ibuprofen I wake up with the monster migraine from hell…

Course my guess is that the only thing our insurance will cover is someone sticking two little firecrackers up my nose and lighting the end… But at this point? I’m thinking that’s not such a bad idea. My ears ring constantly now anyway…

P.S if you have any advice with this sinus stuff, PLEASE let me know!

I need a t-shirt that says “I’m not homeless. And I don’t have a drug problem. I just look this way because I have a MONSTER migraine.”

Better yet, I need three. Just in case I get a monster migraine and the two other shirts are dirty.

Maybe that will alleviate some of the strange looks I get when I drop off/pick up my son at his preschool program. Its sad a day when the thought of getting struck by a garbage truck feels like a much more pleasant option.