As I embark on my 37th year of life, there’s one gift I’d love to have.

I’d love to quit the anxieties and negative thoughts that constantly ping-pong in my mind. I’d love to not feel self-conscious and awkward when I talk to people. I’d like to learn how to accept myself – faults and all.

Like most women, I am my toughest critic. When it comes to the ugly and hateful things I often say to myself, I realize I’d never say those things to someone else. In fact, if someone else were to say the same things to one of my friends or a family member? I’d give that person a verbal ass kicking.

A few days ago, my mother-in-law took me aside. She said she thinks I’m too hard on myself. That I downplay my strengths. I shouldn’t put myself down so much. I don’t know my worth.

That’s true. 

So as I celebrate one more year under my belt. I hope to find inner peace. I hope I’ll learn how to gauge my strengths and accept my weaknesses. I hope to stop berating myself for mistakes everyone makes. I hope to quiet the nasty inner voice that tells me I’m not good enough, attractive enough, smart enough or just plain “enough.”

Life is too short. And I hope that next year, at this time, I can celebrate a rebirth of sorts.

Wish me luck. I’ll need it.

***

(We interrupt this post to pimp the projects I’ve been working on…) Now that the holiday season is upon us, may I recommend Wii’s Littlest Pet Shop game? Or maybe head over to Parent Bloggers Network to find out what’s being said about Hotwheels’ newest toys and three stories about a little fairy named Eve. Oh and a fellow St.L blogger (and friend) is being spotlighted on St. Louis Blogger’s Guild. Check it! And there’s a giveaway for a WordWorld bucket of blocks at my reviews site.

The support I received after this post was amazing. (Thankfully, the scary ordeal is no longer “scary” nor an “ordeal”.) But I wanted to thank everyone who took time to read the post and comment. So I’ll be thanking a group of people as a part of each post until I’ve thanked everyone.

So thanks to: Todd, Sarah and the Goon Squad, Alissa, Baltimore Girl, Veep Veep, Jen, Ruth Dynamite, Ali, Christine, Jess, Ben, Damselfly, Shandon Fowler, Toni, Chris, Josh, All Adither, Issa and Kyla.

 My son and I had this conversation this past week.

Me: Hey Seth, Let’s watch Sound of Music.
Seth: Does it have robots?
Me: No. It’s about some mischievous kids and their nanny.
Seth: Does it have light sabers?
Me: No. But it’s a cute movie. Someone plays the guitar. Give it a chance.
Seth: Why doesn’t it have light sabers? Or robots?
Me: Watch it for 10 minutes. You might like it.
Seth: Can I pretend it has light sabers in it?
Me: Sigh… Sure. Why not. I just want to sit down for a minute. I’m tired and I don’t watch to watch Star Wars. Let’s just try something different. There’s a puppet show.
Seth: Are there bad guy puppets?
Me: I don’t think so…
Seth: Can I pretend one of the puppets is really a bad guy and know one knows but me?
Me: Works for me. Let’s sit down.
Seth: We’ll name the bad guy puppet Darth Vader. K?
Sigh….

The support I received after this post was amazing. (Thankfully, the scary ordeal is no longer “scary” nor an “ordeal”.) But I wanted to thank everyone who took time to read the post and comment. So I’ll be thanking a group of people as a part of each post until I’ve thanked everyone.

So thanks to: Ibdawnk, Lisa Marie Mary, Lara, Keri, Schmee, Dana, Lisa S. Kelly of West Coast Girlie Blather, Three Under Two, Melanie, Gwendomama, Carol, Stefania, Laura from the Fringe, Kelley, Liz and Manager Mom.

Served up fresh this week: Win a gift certificate to Target and some Pledge. Enter the giveaway here! And while you’re on Midwestern Mommy Reviews, check out a little gadget that can saw through all kinds of stuff. And while we’re on the subject of new products: PBN reviewers are raving about a cool new book called “Amazing Baby.” Read what they’ve got to say. And? This week the Hot Wheels campaign launched. Check it out.

Everyone has those dirty little secret snacks hiding somewhere in their house. Ok. Maybe you don’t, but we do!

So when Parent Bloggers Network asked bloggers everywhere what’s in the our panties? (er uh, PANTRIES. Typo but I’m keeping it.) I felt compelled to share.

 Now that Seth’s in school and he has to bring a snack each day, we HAVE to have alot of snacks in the house, right? (Ok, so that’s what I tell myself.) So as you can see, there’s no way anyone’s gonna go hungry — Nilla’s, Fruit Roll-Ups, Goldfish crackers, barbecue chips and Cheetos crackers. (You can’t even see the popcorn or the Doritos hidden in the back.) And that’s not counting the “candy box”.

The candy box usually contains the sweets. In this case licorice and Hershey’s Candy Corn Kisses as well as a stray Hostess Ding Dong and as a few lollipops.

And did I mention how we usually have some sort of baked good in the house as well? Last week it was a Cherry Stollen from a local bakery. But earlier this week I made chocolate chip cookies. Next week I’ll probably make brownies…

If you read this blog with regularity, you’ll ask yourself, “Where the hell is the chocolate.” Well… Good question. Last month between a food poisoning and some other stressful event, I stopped eating sweets. Hell, I stopped eating much of anything. I lost 12 pounds! And for some reason now, I just don’t get much pleasure out of eating sweets (or anything in general.) The good thing about this is that its been easy to keep that weight off. So now what I buy is stuff the hubby and the boy will eat, ergo…

Why don’t YOU share your snack time stories too. Post anytime between Sept 5 and 7th. And don’t forget to include links to http://www.brothersallnatural.com/ and http://blog.parentbloggers.com as well as mention, “This post was written for Parent Bloggers Network as an entry for a contest sponsored by Brothers-All-Natural.” Then send the post link to parentbloggers@gmail.com for a little linky-love and a chance to win FREE groceries for a month (a $250 value) as well as some Fruit Crisps and Potato Crisps!

(This post was written as part of a blog blast sponsored by Parent Bloggers Network and Brothers-All-Natural.)

Oh and speaking of FREE. Win a FREE gift card for a Pizza Hut pasta dish. (A review on their most recent pasta addition can be found HERE.) Three winners will be chosen. To enter, just leave a comment by Tuesday evening on this blog or Midwestern Mommy Reviews.

The masterminds behind the Parent Bloggers Network (oh and my super awesome bosses, since I help them with some of their campaigns) have asked a burning question regarding your swimwear. What do YOU wear when you go to the pool or beach?

The answer (for me) is… I try to avoid both places as much as possible. I have body angst to begin with. The mere thought of the beach or pool? Makes me all twitchy. I usually try to avoid either place for as long as possible. But by July, “the boy” has worn me down from the constant pleading, so I relent and buy a damn suit already. The plus is that by then, lots of suits are on clearance. The downside? I have to go out in public wearing a swim suit. (The “bikini days” packed their shit and headed out of dodge once I became pregnant. So I do the one piece or tankini type of swimwear and try to avoid pools or beaches as much as possible.)

What I WISH were more en vogue are THESE. But I know that wearing “wholesome swimwear” would garner me even MORE weird looks and really, the last thing I want while I’m wearing a swimsuit is MORE negative attention. But I was poking around on some sites and you know what is really, really supercute? THIS top. Am thinking of pairing the top with something like THIS.

Its not just a cellulite issue. Its an issue of a skin condition I’ve had most of my life. It was supposed to get better as I age but no dice. That weirds me out far more than the cottage cheese texture of my thighs. (But the upside is that if you and I were in a plane crash in the mountains and you get hungry? Not to be all morbid, but if I were dead, you’ll be able to eat for weeks off of my butt cheeks alone! That’s um, a… good thing…. Right?)

Oh and P.S. I don’t care about anyone else’s thighs or cellulite so if you want to wear that bikini? More power to you!

This little question was answered as part of a sweepstakes sponsored by BOCA for the Parent Bloggers Network. Oh and on behalf of Boca, check out THIS site.

I’ll never forget that first year of Seth’s life. I envisioned us going to the St. Louis zoo, Bontanical Gardens, The Jewel Box, St. Louis Science Center, Laumeier Sculpture Park, and Art Museum so often employees would know us by our first names. I was going to fill his little bunny brain with lots of amazing sights, sounds, textures and tastes.

And then reality gave me a swift kick in the ass.  This little boy had colic. This little boy didn’t sleep. This little boy had alot of ear infections. This little boy wasn’t much of an eater. This little boy screamed. Alot. This little boy proved that he’d inherited his father’s will of steel.

So we spent alot of time in two places — in Target and at various restaurants. (Oh and the grocery story. Excuse me, THREE places. He liked carts for some reason.) Sure there were trips to Maryland, Pennsylvania, Michigan, Wisconsin, and New Orleans. There might have even been a trip or two to the zoo, a museum, and botanical gardens. To be honest, I don’t really remember. He would wake up  four to six times a night. (That first year is hazy.)

But all of those trips to Target worked out. By three years of age, he knew the local store so well he could navigate through the various departments. (He was a like GPS — only full of fuss and poop.)

Yeah, for us the first year was rough. It would have been wonderful to have known back then that there was a huge and amazing community of moms only a click away. Course it would also have been very helpful to know about the book, The Rookie Mom’s Handbag too. (And just so you know, we did visit all of those places and tons of parks during his second and third years. You know, when we were both sleeping better.)

The book is the brilliant idea of the busy chicks behind Rookie Moms. Plus there’s more than 250 activities that moms can do with their babies. How cool is that? Oh and if you want to get a shower gift that’s different and cool and useful, this is a great book!

The Rookie Mom bloggers in conjunction with Parent Bloggers Network would like to know how you spent your first year of motherhood. Post anytime this weekend - Friday, May 9 through Sunday, May 11. Within your post, make sure to link http://www.rookiemoms.com and http://blog.parentbloggers.com then email parentbloggers@gmail.com. with the link to your post. Feel free to get creative with your title!

According to PBN, “you could win one of two fantastic gift bags filled with more than $250 worth of goodies for moms, including the brand new BABYBJÖRN^®Baby Carrier Synergy, a child’s gardening kit from Smith & Hawken, a baby tshirt from Scout Organic Baby, and of course, a copy of The Rookie Mom’s Handbook.  Two winners will be drawn at random. Plus, Heather and Whitney will choose their three favorite posts and feature them on their website!”

That little ole holiday called “Mother’s Day” is just around the corner. Julie and Kristen, the masterminds behind Parent Blogging Network, are asking moms everywhere how we’d like to be recognized this Mother’s Day. Ladies? So glad you asked!

First off, the hubby can skip the flowers. The easiest way to get to my heart is to bring me a fountain soda from Quik Trip. Nothing says “I love you” like waking up to find a QT soda waiting in the fridge. (Yeah, I’m cheap.)

And then, he could hang up the blinds we bought last fall then finish up a certain long-suffering administrative project. (Yeah, he knows what that is.) Oh and the icing on the cake would be for him, on Monday, to call Satan’s helpers (insurance company) and battle with them over coverage of his surgery from last year instead of me. (The home admin tasks = not easy.)

I know the man works hard so the boy can be up to his elbows in Star Wars stuff and I can stay home/pursue writing opportunities. I appreciate this greatly. (He’s a corporate rock star, he is. And I’m very proud of him.) I know that when the weekend rolls around, the last thing he wants to do is dive into chores around the house. He’s tired. Watching a few movies or taking Seth to breakfast sounds far more appetizing. But when he does work around the house, in my mind, he’s telling me that he cares about our home and household. It makes me feel valued and taken care of. It is lovely to feel that way, yes?

(Course I should probably add that this weekend he’s taking care of Seth while I’m at “Memphis in May” with some fun peeps for a few days. So right, now I’m feeling pretty valued.)

So I guess this year I just want the loose ends tied up from a few old projects. And a soda.

********** 

In an effort to promote their new charitable giving site, Johnson’s Baby Cause, powered by Global Giving, Johnson & Johnson are combining energies with PBN to launch a new blog blast. And this particular blog blast? Prizes galore! All you have to do is write a post on your blog about how you’d like to be recognized this Mother’s Day. Post anytime between now and next Thursday, May 8 and include links to http://www.babycause.com and http://blog.parentbloggers.com. Then, send your blog post link to parentbloggers@gmail.com. The posts will be listed on the PBN blog Thursday, May 8. (And don’t forget to give your post a unique title.)

Both Johnson’s and PBN are chipping in for the prizes. Ten winners will receive a Johnson’s Mom and Baby product gift basket (thanks to Johnson’s) and $25 credit to donate to the charities of their choice at Johnson’s Baby Cause (thanks to PBN).

Oh and don’t forget to check out the celebrity-sponsored eBay auction benefiting Johnson’s Baby Cause where you can bid on baby gear that been “gently used” by celebrities like Julianne Moore and Matt Damon.

**********

P.S. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU to the kind and supportive people who read my last post and commented.  Reading your comments of ”me too!” and “hang in there” made me all tear-eyed (in a good way). Thank you for passing along some of your strength. That means so much! 

S: “Mom, I’ve been thinking alot lately.”

Me: “What about?”

S: “Well, I just don’t know how anyone could not like me.”

Me: “Well, I don’t know how anyone could not like you either.”

S: “I know! Its like….Its IMPOSSIBLE to not like me!”

Me: “You’re right. You’re cute, cuddly, fun and you’re very kind to other people. You’re also very good at sharing and you’re a good friend. What’s not to like about that?”

S: “I know! And I’m good looking and I have LOTS of cool super powers!”

Me: (trying not to giggle.) “Oh and you’re very humble too.”

S: “Yeah. I sure am.”

Uh-huh.

P. S. Speaking of kids… There’s a review (on behalf of Parent Bloggers Network) of Hip Hop Harry’s “Move Those Feet” on Midwestern Mommy Reviews today. If you take care of tiny dancers, you might want to think about this dvd.

P.S.S.Did you know that your uterus can fall out? Yup. And when it does, it apparently looks like a scrotum. Oy! But you know what can go a long way in preventing that? Kegels. (You’ve just freaked out a little after reading that and you’re TOTALLY doing Kegels right now, aren’t ya? Me too! But that’s one of the nuggets we learned during that little campy-camp thingee in New Jersey. Plan to give you the lowdown very, very soon.)

Mamma Loves has always known she was adopted.

What she didn’t know was her ethnicity. Where did her blue eyes and freckles come from? People typically assume she’s Irish.  Is she or isn’t she? That’s one of the question about her heritage that she’s been dying to know for a multitude of years.

And that’s why I nominated her a Perfect Post.  What many people (who aren’t adopted) often take for granted is the fact that they know their genetic background (or at least a good part of it). Whether a person is African American, Asian, German, Scottish or a mixture? Most people have an idea.  But there’s so much more to that question.

What she also discusses is not just the wondering but the longing to be a part of a culture. So she makes a decision. She writes about it HERE. To me, this post captures Amie’s personality perfectly — insightful, smart, and spirited.

The Perfect Post Awards are sponsored by Petroville and Suburban Turmoil.  Visit them for a list of other winners.

Also, if you’ve got some Thomas the Tank Engine fans in your house, you don’t want to miss this review (sponsored by Parent Bloggers Network) on Engines and Escapades.

My heart is so heavy these days. 

I have a difficult enough time sleeping. But when I travel its far worse. I’m really weird about noise, pillows, texture of blankets, mattresses and a few other things. Usually I don’t manage more than an hour or two a night when on the road. After awhile the stress of being in a new place and no sleep wear on me. My routine is disrupted, I don’t get any time to myself, and I get really edgy and bitchy. I usually end up with at least one migraine during a trip and several after the trip. (Ask poor Kristie. She was my BlogHer roommate.)

Before the trip I was completely stressed. Things only got worse while on the trip. I took on some projects I thought I could finish while on the trip. I vastly overestimated the time I MIGHT have to get these projects done. I barely slept and had a super nasty migraine over the course of the trip. Honestly, I was ready to go home 12 hours after I got there. And no offense to Texas. Ya’ll have great weather but I seem to get this way anywhere I go these days.

During our last day in Texas, my cell phone died in the middle of a conversation with Marc. Our flight got cancelled. I got angry. Because he was trying to make back up arrangements, he was late in picking us up (he dropped us off at a movie while he went to a meeting). And I when my son asked why daddy wasn’t there yet (we’d be waiting almost three hours.) I had no idea and I assumed the worst. I said something very mean and unfair about Marc which Seth repeated within minutes of seeing Marc.

To make matters worse, I felt betrayed by my son for saying this to Marc. I know! He’s five. How stupid. I had no right to badmouth my husband in front of my son, let alone feel hurt by what Seth repeated to his father. The next day I made my son feel guilty for relaying my comment to Marc.

Oh and did I mention that at one point while in the car with Seth and Marc (we ended up driving home. Yes! At least 11 hours in a car — all of those miles covered in about 20 hours.) Seth was talking and I yelled at him to “Shut up.”

God, I can be so ugly and mean. And I’m so horrified and ashamed. I hadn’t packed enough meds for an extra day so that meant no sleep and a raging migraine. I hurt so bad I seriously thought I should go to the hospital. Most of my energy was directed at not throwing up. Turns out I have a nasty sinus infection now which was probably a reason as to why I was feeling so crappy before as well as during the trip.

My husband is really angry and disgusted with me. I patched things up with Seth but my marriage seems as if it might not recover from this. There have been other fights through the years and I think we are both so tired of fighting. I don’t know how to fix this. I fear its a permanent rift between us. And that really scares and saddens me.

My migraines, sinus issues, and insomnia don’t help. Because there are times, after a good week or so of not sleeping and feeling almost constant pain, I start to feel like a raw, exposed nerve. I seriously start to wonder if I’m on the cusps if I’m losing my mind. I start feeling shakey and sick and weak. My husband doesn’t understand what it is like to live with constant pain. (But I can see how it would suck to live with me.) I start to get depressed. I’ve tried all sorts of medications to help. So far what I’m on now has been the best way to stave off migraines but even the meds are no match for all of the triggers that can set off a migraine. (It is better now. But I still get weeks where I’ll have 4-6 migraines in one week.)

But insomnia, sinus issues, and migraines aside, I feel so ashamed of my behavior to the two men I love dearly. When I apologized to Seth again today he said, “Don’t worry mom. You were just having a few bad days.” I feel like I don’t deserve his love. Even now, the whole thing just reduces me to tears. And I’m working on taking some steps that will hopefully prove to be constructive. I feel like I’ve sunk to an all time low. I didn’t control my frustration and got irrationally angry. And I took it out on two people I love the most.

So I’m sorry about not visiting. I’m sorry this is so heavy and depressing. I’m sorry I can be so toxic. Trolls, or anyone for that matter, if you want to tell me what a horrible bitch I am, you are more than welcomed to. Because I deserve it. I did act like a totally selfish, horrible, ugly, hateful person. And I’m so horrified. But I just wanted to let you guys know why I haven’t been around. I felt like I owed ya’ll an explanation.

Oh and I wrote a review for Building Bobland Bay for Parent Bloggers Network. If you are interested click HERE.

Hi Ya’ll!

How are ya? I haven’t visited too many blogs last week (if any actually). Life is happening at an even MORE insane pace than usual. The winds of change keep swirling around. Some of the change is good. Some of the change is sad. And some of the change can’t really be talked about just yet. (In fact, I’m not even in St. Louis right now. I’m in Texas.) I’ve had the stressed/insomnia induced headaches to prove it that yup, all of this change is feeling a mite overwhelming right now.

I hope to get a chance later this week to visit you guys. Gosh, I MISS visiting ya’ll and reading up on what everyone has been doing. (Withdrawals? Definitely.) Hope to catch up later on this week.

Oh and if you’ve got an itty-bitty Barney fan and no clue as to what to give him or her for Easter (or any upcoming occasion) think about this new dvd, Animal ABC’s I reviewed on behalf of Parent Bloggers Network, k? You can find it at www.MidwesternMommyReviews.blogspot.com .

The hubby has many fond childhood memories of bonding with his dad while conducting various science experiments. Need to make a battery out of a lemon or a clock made out of potatoes? Marc can tell you how to do that and why it works.  He and his dad tackled all kinds of projects. (Who needs MacGyver when you’ve got a chemistry professor in the family?)

Now both Marc and his father are starting to share their passion for science with Seth. As Seth grows, I can see he’s definitely taking after his paternal grandfather’s side of the family. He’s very interested in various science fields – from chemistry to physics to biology.

But how do you foster a love of science when you, yourself, flunked high school chemistry? Well, you have two choices. You can marry a person who’s very strong in science (like I did) or you can start checking lots of websites like Hobby Science or Zoom for project ideas as well as simple explanations. (I do this too.)

Identifying concepts your child will find of most interest can sometimes be tricky. But for the most part,  just follow their lead. (Of course you’ll have to adjust your vocabulary and explanation of concepts depending on age.) Seth is a Star Wars fanatic. So what better time to introduce astronomy? When his passion for all things transportation was at its peak, we introduced the concept of energy and how the parts of the vehicle interact with each other in order to make that vehicle stop and go. When he eats, we discuss food choices, nutrients found in various foods, as well as how the body uses those nutrients. When I’ve vacuumed, we’ve discussed how the vacuum cleaner works. When he’s gotten a cold, we’ve discussed germs, how they get into the body, why we cough, and that lovely byproduct — snot.

When it is too cold for a trip to the Missouri Botanical Garden,  St. Louis Science Center, The Magic House or the St. Louis Zoo we check YouTube. Want to watch a solar eclipse? Want to watch a tornado form and wreak some havoc? Want to see how rattlesnakes mate? It is there.

But it is always good for kiddos to get some hands-on experience, yes? And for that, there are also some supa cool offerings at Target for kids of varying age ranges and interest. The Discovery Channel Store also has a plethora of products. 

Although Seth has been begging for this FOREVER he recently got this for Valentine’s Day. This totally appealed to the hubby too - being he’s an electrical/computer engineer.

This blog post is was written on behalf of Parent Bloggers Network as part of the Zula Intergalactic Inquirer blog blast.

And wants to let others know (in a brightly colored way) their behavior is quite borish. http://www.glarkware.com/productcart/pc/viewPrd.asp?idcategory=&idproduct=2096

 Also, speaking of links… And stuff… Do your kids love Barney? Well, he’s got a new dvd out. Click HERE for the deets. (The review is written on behalf of Parents Blogger Network.)