When Seth was around preschool age and he’d get upset, we’d often try to sort out the matter by talking, snuggling and rocking. Once he’d calm down he’d burrow his face into my chest. (I know! Insert your own “motorboat” joke here.) In his words, he was “wipin’ ob-fff da ca-wi-yin.”  (”Wiping off the crying” if you don’t understand the toddler dialect.) Once accomplished, all was fine. It was as if a dried face was the emotional equivalent to a clean slate. He was ready to start anew. 

So last week when I found I had miscarried, I cried. Alot.

I have learned the hard way that when I feel utterly depleted, I just need to be left alone for a few hours. If I try to continue on with the daily chaos of life, that feeling intensifies and it takes longer for me to pull myself out of that pit. Thankfully, I have a very wise husband who understands this and gives me that space when I need it. 

So last Friday night Marc came home and took care of our son while I had my alone time. After a few hours, I decided I had cried enough. I know I’m very fortunate. I’ve got a healthy little boy, wonderful friends and family. I’ve taken quite a bit of solace in those these things. I also realized I need to take better care of myself (less sweets and soda, more water and walks) than I had been before this surprise pregnancy. 

So I took a page out of my little guy’s book. I “wiped ob-ffed da ca-wi-yin” that night and looked at Saturday as a clean slate. There are still moments where my eyes start to water and my heart breaks all over again. I “wipe off the cryin’” when I need to then try to focus on the future. I’m moving forward, slowly, but alas I’m beginning to heal.  

The support I received after this post was amazing. (Thankfully, the scary ordeal is no longer “scary” nor an “ordeal”.) But I wanted to thank everyone who took time to read the post and comment. So I’ll be thanking a group of people as a part of each post until I’ve thanked everyone. So thanks to: Mama Geek, Jo, Jordan, Nicole, Kelli, Jen, Isis23, Jenn, Laurie, Nancy R, Stacie, Amalie, Farrell,Imstell, Nonlinear Girl, Debra, Jessica, Candygirlflies, and Diana.

In hindsight, this surprise pregnancy shouldn’t have been that much of a “surprise” to us. Looking back I realize we were teasing and taunting the fertility gods. They saw what was going on and decided, “Hey, that couple looks like they get at least seven consistent hours of sleep a night. And they seem to have some energy as well. I know! Let’s ensure she gets knocked up this month! That’ll fix THEIR wagon.”

Indeed it has.

I’m going to tell you exactly what happened. (Well, not the conception part.) And how you too can tempt the fertility gods (or avoid tempting the fertility gods).

1.) Lose weight. Get within two pounds of your pre-pregnancy weight. (Don’t recommend losing it the way I did tho. We are STILL triying to pay off the hospital bills. OY!)

2.) Find not one, but TWO perfect pairs of jeans. (That make your butt look good and you feel great.)

3.) Replace sensible shoes with a number of sexy high heeled shoes, strappy sandles and boots.

4.) Since you’ve lost that weight and found some kick ass jeans, you will need some closer fitting tops to show off smaller waistline. Buy many. Feel confident in doing so because you are POSITIVE you’ll never get pregnant again.

5.)While we’re on the clothing subject, get rid of maternity clothes, get rid of a bunch of baby clothes and give away stroller and stuff like that.

6.) Go out with your *feisty girl friends who love to have fun. Start doing this on a regular basis.

7.) Rediscover the hubby. Flirt more. Dance more. Laugh more. Find that your marriage is far healthier now (and more fun) than it has been in ages. 

Viola! You should be pregnant within a few month’s time.

What’s the phrase? “We plan. God laughs.”

The support I received after this post was amazing. (Thankfully, the scary ordeal is no longer “scary” nor an “ordeal”.) But I wanted to thank everyone who took time to read the post and comment. So I’ll be thanking a group of people as a part of each post until I’ve thanked everyone. So thanks to: Sugar, Babybloomr, Xytrex, AMC, Cereal Dieter, qt, Amy in StL, Sugared Harpy, Rachel, Jennifer, Susan, Chris Cactus, Queen of the Mayhem, Jo, Mary, Tori, Maggie, Dammit, Heather, Michelle, WhyMommy, Carmasez, and Adventures in Babywearing,

*Feisty girlfriends (and our fun evenings out) have seen me through a lot of really tough stuff in 2008. Thank you Dana, Chris, Sarah, and Jess. btw- Tina? We miss you!

As I embark on my 37th year of life, there’s one gift I’d love to have.

I’d love to quit the anxieties and negative thoughts that constantly ping-pong in my mind. I’d love to not feel self-conscious and awkward when I talk to people. I’d like to learn how to accept myself – faults and all.

Like most women, I am my toughest critic. When it comes to the ugly and hateful things I often say to myself, I realize I’d never say those things to someone else. In fact, if someone else were to say the same things to one of my friends or a family member? I’d give that person a verbal ass kicking.

A few days ago, my mother-in-law took me aside. She said she thinks I’m too hard on myself. That I downplay my strengths. I shouldn’t put myself down so much. I don’t know my worth.

That’s true. 

So as I celebrate one more year under my belt. I hope to find inner peace. I hope I’ll learn how to gauge my strengths and accept my weaknesses. I hope to stop berating myself for mistakes everyone makes. I hope to quiet the nasty inner voice that tells me I’m not good enough, attractive enough, smart enough or just plain “enough.”

Life is too short. And I hope that next year, at this time, I can celebrate a rebirth of sorts.

Wish me luck. I’ll need it.

***

(We interrupt this post to pimp the projects I’ve been working on…) Now that the holiday season is upon us, may I recommend Wii’s Littlest Pet Shop game? Or maybe head over to Parent Bloggers Network to find out what’s being said about Hotwheels’ newest toys and three stories about a little fairy named Eve. Oh and a fellow St.L blogger (and friend) is being spotlighted on St. Louis Blogger’s Guild. Check it! And there’s a giveaway for a WordWorld bucket of blocks at my reviews site.

The support I received after this post was amazing. (Thankfully, the scary ordeal is no longer “scary” nor an “ordeal”.) But I wanted to thank everyone who took time to read the post and comment. So I’ll be thanking a group of people as a part of each post until I’ve thanked everyone.

So thanks to: Todd, Sarah and the Goon Squad, Alissa, Baltimore Girl, Veep Veep, Jen, Ruth Dynamite, Ali, Christine, Jess, Ben, Damselfly, Shandon Fowler, Toni, Chris, Josh, All Adither, Issa and Kyla.

The first of the Twilight movies makes its debut today (I say “first” because from what I hear more are planned) for the general public. And there’s many of us eager to to hit the theaters.

I never got into the Harry Potty er uh, Pottery, er uh POTTER (typos but I’m keeping them) books but I remember watching some women rave about the story line. I had no intention of reading the books and no intention of making even a feeble attempt at understanding the ”why” surrouning the hoopla.

So when the Twilight frenzy started I rolled my eyes and thought, “Oh Crap. More of this?” But this time I thought I’d read one of the books, but only so I could tell people exactly WHY I didn’t like it. Yes, I was expecting to find Twilight trite and cliched. I was expecting a headache from all of the eyerolling I’d do.

So I bought a copy and started reading. And I got a headache. But that’s only because my eyes were so strained — I couldn’t put the freakin’ book down! Sure I did do some eye rolling and mumbling at the beginning but it soon sucked me in. Course what didn’t hurt? Was finding out that Robert Pattinson is playing Edward Cullen. So having a beautiful face to put with the character kept me reading. He’s so… dreamy.

After I read the books, I thought about becoming a vampire — if this were an option. I think I’d be interested in taking that step. I mean really, look at the pros!

1.) At the time you are bitten, you no longer age. You could be 19, 25, or 30 forever. No looking old and decrepit for YOU! Think of all of the money you’d save on Botox and Oil of Olay.

2.) You don’t need sleep anymore. Think of all of the time that frees up. You could take on a second job, read lots of books, learn different languages and musical instruments.

3.) You don’t gain weight. Ever. Think of how much mental energy that would free up for so many women!

4.) You morph into a supermodel with a rockin’ bod. According to the Twilight books, the transformation gradually changes your features somewhat so you look totally hot — all the more to lure your prey.

5.) No more periods. A menstral cycle is one of constant change. Since your body will no longer change? No cycle. No PMS! No cramps or migraines! No worries about accidents!

6.) You move with grace and fluidity. That a big plus for those of us who can fall UP the stairs. Plus? You are superfast and strong. Carrying that 35 pound bag of dog food to the car is much easier.

Course there are some cons:

1.) You can’t eat real food anymore. You now have to take down people or deer and suck blood. Your beloved chocolate will now taste like dirt.

2.) Since you don’t age, you have to invent some excuse as to why you can’t see your loved ones and friends anymore. Cause when your little sister’s shrunk 4 inches, while sporting blue hair and dentures? Well, she’s gonna wonder why you still look like a 20-year-old unlined, Victoria’s Secret model. She may be the teensiest bit resentful of that.

Um yeah, that seems about it for the cons.

What do yo think? Are you planning to see the movie. (Am very eager to see it because I hear they’ve stayed true to the book and hearing that ALWAYS makes me happy.) What do YOU think of the frenzy?

Served up fresh this week: Buying presents for boys? May I recommend Hot Wheels? Don’t forget a chance to win a Disney dvd for the little ones. And while the kids are engaged, why not browse through Amazing Baby or pamper yourself with Obagi. Oh, and the St. Louis Beacon spotlighted a few of us St. Louis moms and dads. (A big, squishy, puffy pink THANK YOU goes to Kristen for making it sound like I have more than 2 brain cells and know what I’m talking about!)

The support I received after this post was amazing. (Thankfully, the scary ordeal is no longer “scary” nor an “ordeal”.) But I wanted to thank everyone who took time to read the post and comment. So I’ll be thanking a group of people as a part of each post until I’ve thanked everyone.

So thanks to: Kimberly, Atherton Bartleby, Karen Andrews, Amanda, Gina Maria, Mike G, Karen, Maria, Rachel, MamaLiz, Antique Mommy, Kimblahg, Avalon, Kristen, Kateanon, Lisa Milton, Mp, and Suburban Turmoil.

He flits around the room, from one activity to the next. He’s always moving and talking — as if there’s something internally and eternally propelling him noisily onward. Unfinished pages of coloring books fill his art drawer. He is impulsive, often interrupting others’ conversations. He has trouble following directions. He’s easily distracted. And he’s easily frustrated. He wears out other kids his age.

But he’s also a fast learner. He excells in math. He can hyperfocus when he immerses himself into something of great interest. He has an amazing memory. He can quickly grasp some abstract concepts like God and the soul. He has a big heart. He seeks out ways to be helpful. He is eager to please. He’s snuggly. He is kind to his friends and family. He’s charming. He has a generous nature. He has a large number of interests. He has so many wonderful qualities. 

This is my son. And in May, a doctor confirmed what I’d (and a few of his teachers) suspected for awhile — he has ADHD. We had put off going the medication route but we finally agreed to try it out. 

For now, it is working. He’s still the same active little person. His personality and sense of humor hasn’t changed at all. He’s definitely not one of those “over-medicated zombies” you hear about. But at least now he is able to pay attention in class. He is now able to stay on task. When he’s working in a group setting, his classmates don’t have to keep redirecting him. His teacher doesn’t need to keep going over directions and redirecting him either. She’s able to focus on the other kids who need her help.

I’m not saying medicating your child will make all of your problems go away. No way! In fact, he isn’t on the medicine during holidays, weekends or during summer vacation. But it has helped him harness that energy. When he gets older, he will determine whether or not to remain on medication. He will have to learn how to adapt his behaviors, how to channel all of that energy into constructive and positive endeavors without relying as much on medication.

Did you know that Albert Einstein, Ansel Adams, Bill Gates, Earnest Hemmingway, Steven Spielberg, Leo Tolstoy, Socrates, Bethoven, Mozart, Abraham Lincoln, Galileo, the Wright Brothers and Virginia Wolff all have (or had) ADHD? When they combined their energy with their passion for their respective fields, they became legendary.

Now as a parent, it is my job to help Seth discover his passion, nurture his strengths and to help him adapt. There’s no doubt in my mind that he has limitless potential to go with that limitless energy.

Someday he may ask me to take down this post. He may feel it an invasion of privacy. But for now it will stay. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. And I want others to see that too. He has ADHD. It is something he’ll have to learn to work around — like so many others have done before him. Having ADHD is not the end of the world.

In may aspects…. it is merely the beginning.

I wrote this post because the more I researched ADHD, the more I realized there’s a stigma there. (Some people don’t believe in ADHD and think it is a matter of crappy parenting.) If you totally disagree with my way of thinking, that’s perfectly ok. Am interested in hearing all points of view. Just please know I don’t consider medicine the “quick fix”. For now its one of the tools we’re using. (Along with teaching him organizational skills and a few other things.)

The support I received after this post was amazing. (Thankfully, the scary ordeal is no longer “scary” nor an “ordeal”.) But I wanted to thank everyone who took time to read the post and comment. So I’ll be thanking a group of people as a part of each post until I’ve thanked everyone.

So thanks to: Anissa, Linsey, Patrick D, Wendi, Julienne, Heidi, Carolyn Bahm, Chelle, Jenny, Kelli, Moosh in Indy, Canape, Sandira, Sheri, Mistie, Califmom, Kim, and Sweetney.

Served up fresh this week: Win a little something cool to keep you warm from Lands’ End. Enter the giveaway here! And speaking of giveaways, Parent Bloggers Network is giving you  a chance to win a free children’s book from Positive Spin. (I’m working on this campaign!) Check out the books and enter here. Also, don’t schedule any gyno surgical procedures before you read this.   

This is one very proud boy. Why? Well, do you see that gap? He lost his first tooth today (literally) at school.  

Apparently when he realized he lost it, (in a hallway) everyone started hunting for the tooth. But there was no success. He was very upset. The burning question of the day? If a tooth falls out but no one can find it, will the tooth fairy still show? Or more importantly to a 6-year-old saving money for a Darth Vader costume, WILL I STILL GET THE MONEY?

He’s pretty confident the tooth fairy will deliver.

Congrats to Lori and Janelle and Carrie. They all won a FREE gift card for a Pizza Hut pasta dish. (A review on their most recent pasta addition can be found HERE.) Ladies, drop me an e-mail at mother of bun at yahoo dot com and give me your address so that Pizza Hut can send you your gift card!

The support I received after this post was amazing. (Thankfully, the scarey ordeal is no longer “scarey” nor an “ordeal”.) But I wanted to thank everyone who took time to read the post and comment. So I’ll be thanking a group of people as a part of each post until I’ve thanked everyone.

So thanks to: Queen of Shake Shake, jj, Quart, Mothergoosemouse, Mama Tulip, Dysfunctional Mom, Alex Year Two, Because I Said So!, Reddy Zoo, Dodo, The New Girl, Phat Mommy, Mamalogues, Dawn’s Diversions, Seeking My Zen Garden, Not Perfect, Working Moms Against Guilt.

Last week, the hubby and I spent a morning at a fine local hospital. The experience included drinking some sort of liquid mixed with 7-Up, waiting around, drinking more of it, then ultimately having a futuristic-looking medical machine, (that looks a lot like a Stargate ) take fancy x-rays of my insides. 

The drink I ingested, called “contrast”, sort of lights up the digestive system so doctors get a super clear view of your digestive track. Oh and to be even more thorough, I was given an IV with a different sort of contrast. I wasn’t expecting a needle so when I found out about this little extra, my fight or flight response took over. 

As usual when I encounter a needle, my entire being wants to jump up and run into a woods, even if my ass is hanging out of a hospital gown. But the logical part of my brain steadfastly commands my body, “STAY! STTTAAAAYYY!” much like the way I yell at my dog when she tries to lunge for a bag of spilled M&M’s .

The needle phobia is not helped when the dye is so thick you can feel your vein quiver as the gunk is injected. But just as the nurse predicted, my whole body soon grew warm and I got to experience the “pee in your pants” sensation, only without coldness and mess.

This past Friday I had a follow-up with a final specialist for “The Cancer that wasn’t Cancer“.  He gave me the “offical” news. In a nutshell? I’m fine. Completely healthy, even. The doctor gave me permission to go back to my boozing, brawling, drug-filled lifestyle. (”Boozing” if you mean an occasional drink. “Brawling” if you mean fighting with a boy to do his homework. And “drug-filled” if you mean taking a daily dose of Zyrtek.) 

Early cat scans weren’t very clear so when doctors saw a big white blob in and around the colon they assumed it was cancer. (But clearer tests done later that week showed a very, very inflammed and irritated colon. Actually a colon so inflammed parts of it weren’t getting enough blood flow. Yikes!) At one point, doctors still weren’t sure what was going on so they pumped me with antibiotics and waited. In that time at home and on antibiotics, the big white blob cleared up. The recent specialist is convinced it was a really just a nasty case of food poisoning.

Food poisoning. Sort of anti-climatic, yes? But I’m totally fine with that.

The support I received after this post was amazing. (Thankfully, the scarey ordeal is no longer “scarey” nor an “ordeal”.) But I wanted to thank everyone who took time to read the post and comment. So I’ll be thanking a group of people as a part of each post until I’ve thanked everyone.

So thanks to: Jennifer, Carrie, Suebob, Motherbumper, Melissa, Alissa, Nancy, Vdog, Assertagirl, Angie, Morning Light Mama, Maeve’s mom, Kel, Debbie, and Her Bad Mother.

Wow, what a difference two weeks makes. Am feeling back to my old self and ready to tackle anything. Learned alot the past few weeks. Here’s some tidbits I’d like to (over) share.

*A cancer scare puts alot of things into perspective. And it makes you and your spouse appreciate each other all the more.

*Is my colon is “cleaner” than yours? Unless you got a colonoscopy on or before last week Wednesday? I’m guessing “yeah.” 

*If you happen to get a little Morphine, ask for some Zofran first. Takes the nausea out of the experience. But if I had the choice to stockpile something, I’d choose Zofran over Morphine. Fall and winter months bring stomach viruses and flu bugs. Ick.

*Need a t-shirt that says, “I’m not a junkie, I was just really dehydrated when the nurses tried to put in an IV. They couldn’t get a vein.” Seriously. If you look at my arms, you might wonder… On that note, sometimes a nurse can strike a nerve. And holy hell! Now I have an idea of what it feels like if you stuck a knife in a toaster.

*Don’t let little boys near a motorized bed. Seriously. They can’t resist the buttons on hospital beds and will try to turn you into a taco - JUST BECAUSE THEY CAN. The boy now wants a motorized bed for Christmas.

*Want to lost 7 pounds in a matter of two weeks? Refer to previous posts. (But eating ice cream with complete abandon for a few days once you DO feel better is probably not a good idea if you want to keep that weight off. That being said, banana-split flavored ice cream? Come to mama!)

*Oh and radioactive dye goes better with 7-Up. And if you have to drink that salty motor oil nastiness to clean out your colon? 7-Up helps that stuff go down a bit better too. (Am so sick of drinking 7-Up!)

*Even if your little boy spends several days with his best friend, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, eventually he will miss that bossy woman who makes him shower, brush his teeth and work on his handwriting. Because although she’s “never ever any fun”, she does tuck him in at night and snuggles him. He will also miss his bed, antagonizing the dog, and his “boring” routine after awhile.  

THANK YOU to everyone who’s been reading and sending prayers/happy vibes my way. They have been working!

And speaking of “routine”, school is starting soon. That means new supplies, clothes, shoes and underwear, right? Check out this review for Hanes Comfort Fit Boxers on behalf of Parent Bloggers.

To make a long story short - On Monday I went to the ER. I had experienced intense stomach pain (and burning) for days. I couldn’t eat, hardly slept, felt nauseous and was miserable. Cat scans revealed a large mass in the colon area that doctors interpreted as a tumor. They told me to summon my family. They admitted me to the oncology ward. They told me I’d need more tests because they couldn’t figure out whether I had colon cancer or lymphoma.

That was five days ago. In that time, a number of tests were done. Many prayers were said, tears shed, cards sent, well wishes expressed and morphine taken. Another cat scan (this time with contrast) was taken on Thursday. This one, along with a different test done on Wednesday, showed no tumors. In other words, NO COLON CANCER NOR LYMPHOMA.

They have no clue what the hell is wrong with me but I DON’T HAVE CANCER.

They found thickness and inflammation along the colon walls. They found a part of the colon wasn’t getting enough blood flow. They think my appendix has been oozing gunk and the colon built a wall to protect itself and the body from infection. They think that’s the reason a part of the colon wasn’t getting enough blood flow.

This would explain why I’ve been so tired all summer.

They started intravenous antibiotics at the hospital. The plan, for now, is to continue with the antibiotics. To let all of the inflammation and infection settle down. Then in about 10 days, have more tests done. And there will probably be a surgery to remove the appendix or to get a biopsy. But overall? Whatever I have IS FIXABLE!  NO CANCER!

Words can not express how relieved I am. In fact, I’m so relieved it takes my breath away. I’m still tired. I still have some stomach pain but NOTHING like earlier this week.

I’m a quiet person (except around people I know really well.) When I’m not feeling good or upset about stuff, I retreat into myself. I was shocked and scared when I heard the diagnosis. But at the same time, I felt so alone. A part of me wanted to just re-treat but I also felt compelled to write about the diagnosis. Writing helps me make sense of things. And I needed to make sense of it all. I didn’t think about the reaction I’d get. I rarely check my stats. So I rarely have an idea of who’s reading or if anyone really IS reading. My blog is what I call the “under the radar” type”

So the reaction from family, friends, neighbors, husband’s colleagues (and even a few of his clients) and fellow bloggers has been overwhelming - to know so many people care. I wasn’t expecting anything from anyone. I was too busy wondering how we’d pay for the treatment and how it would affect my little boy. But I am amazed and touched.There is tremendous power in prayer and I could feel that prayer all week. I could feel it physically, mentally and even in my marriage and in the amazing health professionals who took care of me. Thank you for your good vibes, kind words, e-mails, flowers, candy, cards, calls, and messages of support. It has been a scary, wild ride — one I hope to never repeat. But I’m thinking we’ve gotten through the worst of it (NO CANCER!) and I couldn’t have done it all without each and every one of you. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

*Updated update (Thursday) - another cat scan scheduled for today. This time to look into the chest at lymph nodes. Possible surgery for another biopsy depending on cat scan. There is a part of the colon that hasn’t been getting enough blood flow. There is also a mass around that part of the colon. They don’t know if the mass was preventing a certain part of the colon from getting enough blood or vise versa.

A little more than 48 hours ago, an emergency room doctor showed me two cat scans of my colon and told me I had cancer.*** In the same breath, he told me he was admitting me to the oncology ward of the hospital and appointments with an oncologist, gi-specialist, another internal medicine guy (I can’t remember the name of), and surgeon were being set up.

Over that time much as happened. Aside from tears shed, IV’s changed, and multitude of nurse/doctor visits, there have also been tests conducted to find out exactly what we’re up against. 

From the previous cat scans it looked as if a chunk of colon was obstructed by a large mass. But today, the doctor performing the colonoscopy found no such mass. The colon is very, very inflammed, but no mass. The biopsy results are still out, but the doctor thinks the odds of cancer in the colon are very small.

The doctor who conducted that test then spoke with the oncologist afterward. And so far, while the oncologist hasn’t ruled out lymphoma completely, he says my chances of having that are small based on what results are coming in.

I’ll take “small chance.” 

Now they think it might be that at some point my appendix became so inflamed that the gunk inside of it started to ooze out but the body has been building some sort of wall against it. Or they think it might be some weird colon thing I’ve yet to research.  Or some sort of abscess.  They are pumping me up with antibiotics and fluids. I think an exploratory surgery is planned. One more doctor still needs to review the case and test results in greater detail. He still needs to consult with the other ones. But for now, the outlook is much more positive.

Thank you, thank you THANK YOU all a thousand times for your comments of support, love and cheer. I cried as I read them. And for once it wasn’t the “Oh God, what’s going to happen to my little boy. He may grow up without his mom” cry. It was the “All of these people are cheering me on. And that’s so moving.” cry.

Thank you for the e-mails and visits, cards, everything. Am not sure when I’ll get to go home. Hopefully by Friday or Saturday. (5-6 days in the hospital. Hope they send me home with extra morphine. I’ll need it when I open this bill.)

 OK. I need to sign off now. Am all woozy from Ambien. So I guess that means its time to sleep. But just wanted to post an update. More will be written in future…. Thank you so much.

***The ER doctor had consulted with the radiologist so please don’t think he just threw out that diagnosis to scare the hell out of us. The cat scan looks really scarey. 

Cancer. That word scares the hell out of most people — especially those who’ve watched loved ones battle such an evil, unyielding force. The mere mention of the word has always made me shiver. But yesterday one of my biggest fears were realized. Yesterday I found out that I have cancer too.

I’d gone to an Urgent care facility Monday morning with severe stomach pains and diarrhea. Since Friday night, my digestive system was forcefully pushing everything I ate or drank out of my body. I could hardly walk from the stomach pains. I felt weak. But still, when I’d hobbled into the Urgent care facility, it was with embarrassment. I assumed they’d check me out only to roll their eyes and tell me I had gas. I figured they’d prescribe some industrial strength Gas-X product then send me home. I assumed I’d go to bed, wake up the next day and get on with life. I assumed that today, I’d be happily back to doing all of the mundane chores I do each day that keeps our home running smoothly.

But I was wrong. The doctor at the Urgent Care sent me to the ER.

After several unsuccessful IV attempts (because I was really, really dehydrated) my arms and hands were sore. A nurse was finally able to eek out a bit of blood to test. A saline IV was started. I was given Morphine, Zofran and something to relax me. 

Then they took me for a cat scan. They found something troubling. They discussed it with me. They told me I needed another cat scan. They asked me if they could call any friends or family for me. I called my parents and brother, asking them to come up. By the time my parents arrived, the doctor had stopped by to tell my husband and me the news. 

I have cancer. I still can’t believe I just typed that sentence. I have cancer. The words, despite the machines connected to me, despite knowing I’m now in the oncology ward, despite the long and chaotic succession of nurses and doctors I’ve seen, just don’t seem real. 

They aren’t sure if its Colon cancer or lymphoma. I cried, my parents cried, and my husband cried as he started making arrangements for my son to spend the night at a friend’s house. He stumbled through his words as he tried to tell my dear friend Kathy what was going on. It was the third time I’ve ever seen him cry - the first and second times being when he learned about the death of his grandmother and cousin Amanda.

My brother and sister-in-law came by a bit later. Everyone kept reassuring me, even the doctors, that my odds of survival are good. They kept telling me I’m a “fighter” and I’ll get through this. I never considered myself a fighter. But maybe that’s the lesson I need to learn from this experience?

So here I am. I have my own room, a cup of ice chips at my side, a bag if saline to keep my hydrated, and a bit of morphine for when the pain gets bad.

I don’t know what to say…. I am still in shock. At some point today, the doctors will do a little exploring to find out what cancer I have. While they think its an fast-growing tumor, hey are hopeful that it will be the kind that hasn’t spread. They are hopeful we’ve found it fast enough. I just want to get it over with because I’m starting to get kind of hungry…

If I don’t give updates, I’m assuming one of my dear friends will be doing so.

But the upside is that when you do see me? I’ll definitely be leaner.